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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want DP to take my name

24 replies

mojito55 · 09/02/2018 13:23

My DP has not seen his biological F in over 10 years and actively dislikes him. Both paternal DGPs are dead, and his DM has remarried and changed her surname. He literally has no reason to be attached to his. Additionally, his last name does not sound good with my first name (think Harriet Higgins style weird alliteration). Therefore, I raised the idea yesterday that, upon marriage, I would prefer him to take my surname. He seemed horrified at the idea and suggested that we both take his DSF's surname instead. AIBU to think that, in 2018, it should not be automatically assumed that the man's surname becomes the 'family name'? I wouldn't even have an issue with us both retaining our own surnames, but that would make things complicated when we have children. I don't know whether he feels it would be emasculating or what, but suggesting we both change our names seems ridiculous.

OP posts:

FissionChips · 09/02/2018 13:26

Why not just have a new family name? Just pick one you both like.

blackberryfairy · 09/02/2018 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SometimesMaybe · 09/02/2018 13:31

I’ve kept my own name and after 15 years or marriage it’s never been a problem. DH sometimes gets called Mr Maybe and I sometimes get called Mrs DH name and it’s never been a problem for the kids. It’s normal for them for mum to have a different surname. Both keep your own name and double barrel any kids names.

HildaZelda · 09/02/2018 19:12

Why do either of you have to change your name? I didn't 'take' DH's name when I got married and he didn't change his either.

SharronNeedles · 09/02/2018 19:18

You may not understand why but he is attached to his name and that is that!
If you don't want to take it, don't. If he doesn't want yours, then you can't force him.

WitchesHatRim · 09/02/2018 19:20

You can't make him change his just he can't you.

His name is his name.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2018 19:23

He literally has no reason to be attached to his.

Apart from the fact that it is his.

I changed mine as I wasn’t attached to it. If I had been fond of it then I wouldn’t.

ElephantsYeah · 09/02/2018 19:23

I kept my name, dh kept his and ds has a double-barrelled name (mine-dhs - because other way round sounded wrong). It works for us!

hopsalong · 09/02/2018 19:24

You don’t want his name. He doesn’t want your name. So keep your own names!

There’s no rule that says that married people have to have the same name. (Among my friends it is the exception.)

TwoBlueFish · 09/02/2018 19:55

Either chose a brand new name for you both or keep your own names. My DH & I weren’t married when our kids were born. I’m very attached to my surname and have a big family and he wasn’t attached to his at all, the kids have my surname. When we married I kept my name and DH kept him. It’s not confusing we both respond to Mr/Mrs other persons surname. The only difficulty was a few of my elderly relatives who would send cheques in what they thought was my married name.

steff13 · 09/02/2018 20:20

He literally has no reason to be attached to his.

It's his name and has been for his entire life. Is that not reason enough to be attached to it?

You're not unreasonable to want him to take your name, and he's not unreasonable to decline.

Original poster

mojito55 · 09/02/2018 20:35

It's more because when we have children I'd prefer us all to have one name. Our names sound a bit weird double barrelled, but I guess it may come to that. Changing both our surnames to something else seems silly as then neither of us are happy

OP posts:

nocake · 09/02/2018 20:38

Just keep your own names. Anyone changing name is a complete pita. Someone I work with changed hers recently and it took weeks for all of the IT systems to get changed. Her telephone conferencing didn't work for 3 weeks.

As for the children thing, why would it be a problem. DW and I don't have the same surname so we just picked one of them for our kids. It's no big deal.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2018 20:44

Retain your own names and double barrel the kids surname with both.

Im not surprised he doesn't want your surname...you saying he has no reason to be attached to it is very insensitive.

Dozer · 09/02/2018 20:47

Just both use your own names and call the DC one of them, or both. It really doesn’t matter if the DC have a different surname name to you, or DP.

“He literally has no reason to be attached to his (name)”. That is dismissive and incorrect: he obviously has his reasons, YOU just don’t agree with or respect them. His name, his choice!

SandyY2K · 09/02/2018 21:05

AIBU to think that, in 2018, it should not be automatically assumed that the man's surname becomes the 'family name'?

No...but you are being unreasonable to assume he'll take your surname.

An observation...You seem traditional in wanting the family to have one surname.... yet you don't want to follow tradition in taking his surname.

Try not to carry certain unreasonable traits into your marriage or it will become a source of contention.

Original poster

mojito55 · 09/02/2018 21:12

SandyY2K what a weird assumption. It's nothing to do with tradition, I've read posts where parents have said that having different surnames to their children is inconvenient at airports etc, I don't want any doubt that my children are mine. As I previously stated, I'm not bothered about me and DP sharing a surname, it's purely for when it comes to children.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2018 21:20

Best way is to double barrel the kids then. Yes it's not exactly what you want, but then we can't always get that, can we?

Incidentally I have a different surname to
DC and when travelling with them it wasn't a problem.

blackberryfairy · 09/02/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 21:34

Even if you are stopped at the air port it's no big deal. That's more of a problem for single parents as they are technically suppose to get the other parents permission to travel which can be difficult if you have a bitter ex who refuses. He's your husband it's not going to be a problem.

wisterialanes · 09/02/2018 21:36

YABVU OP. It really isn't up to you to decide that the surname that he has had his whole life is meaningless to him. If a woman came on and said that her DP said this everyone would be saying LTB.

SilverySurfer · 09/02/2018 21:45

He literally has no reason to be attached to his.

YABVU. This is a rather presumptuous thing for you to say. He has as much right to keep his name as you have to keep yours.

Original poster

mojito55 · 09/02/2018 21:53

Actually, you're right. That was harsh. No one's forcing me to change my name so I shouldn't force him to change his. Double barrel for the nonexistent kids it is then!

OP posts:

Nydj · 09/02/2018 22:13

I didn’t change my name and our child has the same surname as me and it hasn’t caused a problem but if you want all of you that have the same surname then, yes, there will need to be concession made by one person or the double barrel for everyone

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