Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Flatmate's FWB

45 replies

Flatprob · 08/02/2018 22:44

As a 21-year-old non-mum mumsnet lurker I hope you won't find it too odd that I'm posting on here. AIBU has been the best/worst deep hole to jump down whenever final year procrastination has struck.

I would really love your opinions on my situation. And if I am being unreasonable then please feel free to tell me so (would even enjoy a few harsh/rude comments).

I am currently living in a two bedroom flat with a course mate. We got on well for the most part, but I feel this can mostly be attributed to the fact that I will do almost anything to avoid conflict/tension. Yesterday she emailed me asking if her FWB could stay with us for a week whilst he is in between flats. The situation is quite odd because I have actually never met him but have heard him moving around our flat over the past few weeks since she's met him (we don't have a living room and our schedules don't really align). My initial response was that I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm experiencing quite a lot of anxiety with university/masters applications and really enjoy coming home and not having to concern myself with small talk, tiptoeing around and just generally not feeling at ease. Also, the walls are INCREDIBLY thin and I can pretty much make out word for word what they are saying (and doing). However, when I shared my feelings she was incredibly dismissive/combative and expressed how she felt his staying here wouldn't really affect me as he would mostly be staying her room and how it's her room and she can do what she wants etc. I am an extremely passive and easygoing person (euphemism for doormat) and I also get flustered in moments like these. I'm annoyed that I didn't express myself and that she didn't appreciate where I was coming from.

My flatmate is an incredibly intelligent and complex person. Having lived with her I also think it is likely she has narcissistic personality disorder (just my opinion). She often has guys over and I'm pretty ok with this. I can hear her crying as we speak.

Also, she literally just had her sister from America staying with us for three weeks also.

AIBU even if I can't explicitly state why I don't want him here for a week?

OP posts:

FucksBizz · 09/02/2018 13:33

To be honest you both sound annoying and self involved. Diagnosing your flatmate with 'narcissistic personality disorder' really isn't your business and it doesn't come across well.

But, in this instance I think flatmate is pushing the boundaries. Don't pay for him to be there. Which is essentially what you would be doing if you don't insist the bills are split are 3 ways. Either you pay 1/3 each or flatmate pays 2/3 to cover both her and FWB.

allertse · 09/02/2018 13:41

Going against the grain but as a student this wouldnt have bothered me at all. There were always random people in and out our house and someone kipping on the sofa for a week when they were in a pinch wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

That said, your flatmate sounds very rude and inconsiderate. Check your tenancy as they often have clauses about time limits on people staying (I think ours was no more than 3 weeks in 3 months) and this might give you some leverage.

Hissy · 09/02/2018 13:41

You can tell her NO actually. She has no right to 'inform' you of anything.

This is a stranger to you both, and you don't want to share space you pay for with him.

Unless he wants to take over your tenancy so you can go and find someone normal to live with?

Deedee248 · 09/02/2018 14:13

What's an FWB?

Sorry - quite new here!

tafftum · 09/02/2018 15:19

@Deedee248 friends with benefits

Aridane · 09/02/2018 15:26

Time for a new flat mate?

Deedee248 · 09/02/2018 15:31

Thanks Tafftum. I've worked out most of the abbreviations but couldn't think what that was!

tafftum · 09/02/2018 15:33

No worries @Deedee248 I'm the same, I'll admit I usually google a lot of them

G120810 · 09/02/2018 16:21

I get both views here it's a shared flat and she isn't your lodger she can have people stay and not mention it as it's her home but in saying that she is rude and puts u down makes you upset and saying things that aren't true use are not compatible flat mates and not friends as she would understand your stress for exams and see you have major projects to do and you need peice to do it can you not move out and get a flat or room to do what you need to do to achieve what you need to do with out all her stress also I don't think it's right she reflects stuff on you she doesn't care and has problems tell her you need to be not disturbed at night like you won't her and you don't need to hear her sex life and she needs to respect that as it's your home to and stand up for your self she is in control u are very stressed and don't need this it's going to be a long week for you but if you're not happy with noise complain don't just put up with it did u agree on her being flat mate or was it set up like that you need to put your foot down as you have a life that u are trying to improve xx

specialsubject · 09/02/2018 18:06

There isn't a lounge so presumably no sofa. Random shaggers passing through are not for shared flats.

Whocansay · 09/02/2018 18:14

I would be pissed off with this too. Can you move out? If you can, I would. She's taking the piss, knows she is and couldn't give a fuck.

Rosielily · 09/02/2018 18:17

This is a very upsetting situation for you to say the least, and I agree with what other posters have said. Do you have a personal tutor at university who you could talk to about this situation, who could possibly help you secure a place in halls/other accommodation? Or is there a mentor/parent scheme in operation? This final year is crucial for you and it would be very sad if your flat mate's behaviour impacted on your results. I hope you find a solution soon.

Original poster

Flatprob · 09/02/2018 20:55

Unfortunately I don't have much leverage re bills as they're included in rent (excluding electricity)

My financial situation is incredibly precarious so my options in terms of moving out are very limited. Think I will talk to someone from my department and see if there is the possibility of moving into halls. It's just unfortunate timing cause we have reading week now and in a perfect world I would've studied in my room from dawn to dusk. I think the best thing to do is just keep myself to myself and get as much work done in the library.

Thanks for your opinions. It's reassuring to know that I'm not being totally unreasonable.

Also, the only reason I mentioned the fact that I suspect my flat mate has Narcissistic Personaliy Deisorder was to try and convey the sort of issues I often encounter.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2018 05:24

Please do see if you can get out of there, via halls or even sleeping on a friend's sofa/ floor for a while. Anything really!

Your flatmate sounds an utter bloody nightmare and I couldn't stand living in that atmosphere for anything like as long as you have. Use your time (that you're not in the library/quiet coffee shop/anywhere than your flat) to find somewhere new to live. It has to be worth it to reduce your anxiety!

DarkPeakScouter · 10/02/2018 05:43

It sounds awful. Looking for a new place sounds like a good idea.

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 10/02/2018 05:44

G120810 I'm totally out of breath and confused after reading your post!

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 07:52

Why are you still sharing a flat with her? She sounds horrible by attacking your character as she did.

UnsuspectedItem · 10/02/2018 07:56

Sounds like you need a new flat mate

olympicsrock · 10/02/2018 08:57

You need to move out. This will do you no good at all.

SharonMott · 10/02/2018 09:06

Get out of this situation for your own wellbeing OP. A lot of your anxiety is stemming from trying to keep her sweet and she is a bit abusive so you are on to a non starter. I would be immensely anxious in your shoes. Move into halls and put it down to experience. Let someone else have the 'pleasure' of her.

Flip

1 2