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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family making me uncomfortable with breastfeedingas

31 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 08/02/2018 21:07

Spent some time with both my family and DH's siblings last weekend.

Firstly my dad asked me if I wanted to go to the toilet to feed DD (4 months) I just said breezily no thanks and fed her. He's in his early 80's so I just thought best to ignore it really. I've fed many times in front of my mum and brothers but don't always spend very long with my dad.

We then went to see my DH's sisters who are 13 and 22. The whole time I was with them I got endless inane comments. I was asked twice if I was embarrassed feeding in public. First time I said no and carried on getting the latch right etc. Second time baby was overtired and was crying and fussing and I said 'I'm not embarrassed as it's the most natural thing in the world'. I was probably a bit snappy as I was stressed.

I often feed DD to sleep or just stick a boob in for comfort and I was constantly asked 'Youre feeding AGAIN?!'

It was so fucking dull and for the first time made me feel really self conscious. The 13 year old I can understand but the 22 year old works in a nursery so should know a bit about infant feeding?!

I guess they haven't been exposed to breastfeeding with their own family but it made me feel really uncomfortable being bombarded with questions all the time. That coupled with them asking every nano second to hold her when she was moany.

AIBU to have a generous gap before our next meet up or leave DH to it?

OP posts:

chequeplease · 08/02/2018 21:10

Well done for carrying on regardless. You'll get used to it, and so will they. It's difficult when people don't understand feeding on demand. But sounds like you're doing a good job.
At the end of the day it's all about your baby.

Frouby · 08/02/2018 21:21

Just think that you are doing your bit by normalising bfing to them both.

I bf ds to 18 months. I am the oldest dd out of 5 of us. We have various dcs between us and did a combination of ff, bf and mix feeding. Ds was the 12th grandchild. I still got stupid comments from my family. Particularly my mother. Who having had 6 dcs should have known better.

I just practiced a bored and disinterested look when faced with stupid comments. It was particularly tricky one point as my dsis baby is a few months younger than my ds and she had struggled with bfing so while I wanted to sit and explain all the reasons I was still bfing I didn't want to appear to be critical of dsis.

I said 'it's fine, he is growing' a lot. And 'I am doing it to lose weight more than anything' and also 'he has refused bottles so far so it's boob or he starves to death'. And also hid my face in a scarf/muslin/blanket and made cooing noises at ds to avoid answering some really stupid questions.

I generally found everyone else to be really supportive of bfing. Or at least had the manners to not share their thoughts. Family are a bit more rude tho.

Kannet · 08/02/2018 21:32

My husbands seven year old niece was watching me beast feed. She seemed interest so I answered some questions for her. She then looked at me and said "I think it's disgusting". It really shocked me. At seven she has heard that from someone else

Casmama · 08/02/2018 21:35

If the 22 year old works in a nursery then she is probably used to older babies and maybe also bottle fed babies who might only have milk every 4 hours. I think you should carry on regardless.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 09/02/2018 07:01

Surely feeding to sleep isn't a good idea? How is the child ever going to learn to sleep by themselves?

LuxuryMilk · 09/02/2018 07:05

I fed mine to sleep and they are great sleepers. It was never an issue.

Well done on getting through that, it must have been tough. Not much you can do except persevere, or just don't go visiting again!

howthelightgetsin · 09/02/2018 07:07

Surely feeding to sleep isn't a good idea? How is the child ever going to learn to sleep by themselves

I think this is a very normal thing to do..? (In that, I can’t think of anyone I know who breastfed and didn’t do this.) And the most natural and loving thing to do to your child.

My toddler always feeds to sleep with me. He can go to sleep perfectly easily for someone else.

Anyway, well done on carrying on.

outofmydepth45 · 09/02/2018 07:11

Still BF my DS at 18 months, at night now so less comments but since he was 8 months I've had 'he's not a baby' ignore and continue (I go with it lets me eat biscuits, which is annoying but people seem to accept that more than he's not ready and it's best for him)

Some people are ignorant

Waffles80 · 09/02/2018 07:12

whatshallido yeah, I imagine it’ll be super tricky when the child leaves home and still needs to feed to sleep

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 09/02/2018 07:12

My inlaws used to make me feed ds in a spare bedroom as not to embarrass my sister in laws boyfriend. I did it to keep the peace but it made me feel horrible and as if I was doing something wrong. It was fine of course for my sister in law to sit there ff her babies.
I'm glad they arn't my parents as their attitude would have really put me off as I wasn't very confident doing it anyway. I lasted to a year with many, many comments of when will you stop, you're not feeding again etc etc etc.

TheChildrensPresenter · 09/02/2018 07:12

I fed my child to sleep and he has slept every night in his own bed straight through (except when Ill) since 18 months, and he stopped breastfeeding at 9 months old! I hate when people say oh your breeding bad habits - babies need comfort.

On the actual point - well done for keeping going, there is 2 girls who will gain knowledge and comfort from you for when it's their turn. You are normalising it for them which is fantastic and their questions will subside.
Massive hi-five for you! 🤗

lanbro · 09/02/2018 07:12

Feeding to sleep is fine, both mine fed to sleep and both mine slept 8-10 hrs at 12 weeks and continue to be great sleepers

Ignore idiots, I'm pleased to say I never came across any negativity and fed both dd for a year each, absolutely no choice with dd2 as she never took a bottle

stuffstuffeverywhere · 09/02/2018 07:14

@Whatshallidonowpeople

Surely feeding to sleep isn't a good idea? How is the child ever going to learn to sleep by themselves?

They just do. Sleeping through is a milestone- like talking or sleeping through. I don't think you can force it so feeding to sleep is fine.

sirlee66 · 09/02/2018 07:15

I wish so much that you said to your Dad, when it was dinner time, would he like to go eat in the toilet!!

flumpybear · 09/02/2018 07:18

This is why I hated feeding in front of anyone except my husband

blackberryfairy · 09/02/2018 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondThePage · 09/02/2018 07:30

I didn't feed mine to sleep - and they both slept through from 8 weeks - no trouble here either. (just to give the opposite side since people on here seem to think feeding to sleep is the only way)

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/02/2018 07:31

For many, BF is natural but for many it's uncomfortable to watch. Not everybody subscribes to it and many do push the agenda.

They could have left whilst you fed though given it was uncomfortable for them or excused themselves for a few minutes.

The feeding for sleep or comfort seems strange though, I fed mine when hungry. If they needed comfort I never equated that with food.

cordeliavorkosigan · 09/02/2018 07:35

You obviously should not have to do this but I really liked the bebe au lait cloth I used, which had a rigid semicircle keeping the cloth off the baby’s head and letting me see in. For me that was nicer than feeling exposed where people were hostile, as it’s intimate and I liked that it also took the baby out of view, so she could sleep or feed without relatives trying to touch her or engage her. Worked really well for us.

NerrSnerr · 09/02/2018 07:37

I had this a lot with my eldest, lots of comments- especially from my inlaws. They're better now but they're masters at small talk when I'm feeding. I have always fed to sleep, it's fine- they figure it out in the end.

Original poster

Cheekylittlenumber · 09/02/2018 07:57

Thanks for all the comments. I thought feeding to sleep was very normal? She's going through the 4th month regression and day time naps are a nightmare so I do whatever I need to to get her to nap.

But thank you for all the kind words. Their comments have not put me off feeding, and towards the end of the day the 22 year old was asking me more questions about it (asking if my milk would run out with the baby feeding so much etc) so I answered her questions and told her about the benefits for baby and her if she chose to breastfeed.

I couldn't manage to breastfeed my first DD (undiagnosed severe posterior tongue tie) and I ended up exclusively pumping for 7 months. It was a huge faff to put it mildly but I wanted Breast milk in her. So basically I'm not used to comments about bfing. Nothing will put me off feeding her and luckily my friends are super supportive and family are generally supportive and used to it. We're the first to have grand kids so the first time they would have seen it aside from themselves if they did breastfeed.

It was just a generally stressful day with lots of driving and they both are a bit daft and annoying and my sleep deprived self was especially cranky with them. When I was pregnant all they wanted to do was stroke and prod my bloody bump!

OP posts:

Jaxtellerswife · 09/02/2018 07:59

Yes, the world is full of adults that never learned how to sleep without boob. They are wandering around like zombies, it's very sad
I get you op, my brother in law won't come in the room even though I use a cover and don't get the whole breast out. Less cleavage on show than normal. It's whatever. Some people just don't get it

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 09/02/2018 08:03

Feeding to sleep IS totally normal and fine. I really missed it when it stopped being an option.

Not everybody subscribes to it and many do push the agenda.

it's not an "agenda", it's our basic biology. It's how babies eat, period. People grow up with inherited hang ups, fine, but no breastfeeding woman is obliged to cater to them.

Ven83 · 09/02/2018 08:12

Absolutely amazing of you to express for 7 months! You're such a good role model. And how sad about the 22 year old who works with babies to be so uninformed about the basic facts about breastfeeding. It just goes to show we need so much more education and public awareness about breastfeeding. It's definitely not 'pushing the agenda'.

Original poster

Cheekylittlenumber · 09/02/2018 09:25

Yes the pushing the 'agenda' thing is weird imo. It's not my agenda it's my choice as a mum to feed me baby how I want!

Thank you for all the kind comments. I'm definitely the 'fake it till you make it' when it comes to feeding in public but generally feel more comfortable in public than I do in front of family. But I'm very discreet, do the vest pull down with jumper thing.

OP posts:

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