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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a stupid thing to do right?!...

27 replies

Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 08/02/2018 17:17

DD is taking part in an event after school hours today to do with a activity she does in school...

There was a bit of confusion on how DD would be getting to said event, we had filled in a consent form, however they were looking for parents to help with transport and it wasn't until she had left for school this morning I realised there wasn't actually a collection time or place (i.e. back at school or event) DD is a bit of a worrier so I had asked DH (on a half day today) to pop into school and ask what the plan was, he came back saying he was none the wiser and would find DD at the end of school day and make sure she got to meeting point for them all to leave so we could be sure of details.

I can tell DH is dying to get involved with transport (half day wasn't planned so we hadn't said we could help on consent form) however we had a discussion about how it was good for DD to go with her friends and not have us watching over her.

DH went to pick DC up at the end of school day as per and returned home to shout out to me that he was helping with transport and had DD and class mate in car and was taking them to even (shocker!!)

Let it go, DH's job involves him working away a lot and it's nice for him to attend/help with things when he can.

However he has just phoned me and we have proceeded to have an argument (all be of passive aggressive texts as still at event) to say that he will be stopping at supermarket on the way home to pick up dinner while he is in care of DD and her classmate...

I genuinely think this is a really, really stupid idea, we do not know the child or her parents, yes she has signed a consent form to be transported too and from a school event but I doubt school policy includes a trip round Asda as well...

DH is furious at me for not telling what I want for dinner (getting onboard with this plan) and furthermore having a go at him about it, his claim, "I'm doing the child/family a favour and therefore I'm sure they won't mind me stopping at a shop that is on way back home" (although wasn't said as nicely to me as that!!!)

DH is the nicest guy in the world and I'm I'm honest it wouldn't bother me if it was the other way round and DD was getting a lift from another parent but AIBU to worry that all parents might not be on board with this and not only find it fairly unethical and complain but for it to have a negative impact on DD and any future events/friends/play dates..

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 08/02/2018 17:21

I'm surprised at school allowing any child other than your DD to leave or be transported by anyone except the designated member of staff; surely they're the ones in the wrong for allowing your DH to transport an unknown child in his car to anywhere without that child's parents permission?

Your DH doesn't sound U, but I think you're right to be worried about it, too. Nipping into Asda sounds harmless enough but not knowing the other child's parents, I wouldn't.

SharronNeedles · 08/02/2018 17:34

You're furious?
I think it's nice that he is so involved and has saved the day by transporting your DD and friend. I'm assuming the other child's parents were also non the wiser as to how she was getting from A to B? Can your DH just lend her his phone to call them?

Pittcuecothecookbook · 08/02/2018 17:36

How old are the kids?

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 08/02/2018 17:40

Weird.

Tink2007 · 08/02/2018 17:42

No offence to your DH at all but there’s some massive safeguarding issues at the school to let another child ride home with another parent.

Motoko · 08/02/2018 17:43

Don't volunteers for that sort of thing need to be DBS checked?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 17:43

Sorry but I think you're being a bit OTT. He wants to be involved and help with transport AND do the shopping...a lot of people would love their dh to be that attentive! If you or your dh didn't know when or where pick up was will the parents of the other child? Do you have a contact number for them to inform them your dh wil drop her home after he pops into asda? If not once dh has collected dd and school friend could she use his mobile to call her mum or dad (most kids know their landline number I think....I certainly did from age 6ish) and if not surely the teachers in charge will have a list of contacts?

I think so long as there is some way of letting the school friends parents know that she is with your dh and dd and he will be bringing her home this is a bit of a non issue.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/02/2018 17:44

I wouldn't be happy that my dc was being transported by a parent, unless the school had okay'd with me. I would certainly expect them to go directly back to school. Maybe the other parent has placws they need to be, so cannot wait aroubd ehile your dh goes via asda.

Spartaca · 08/02/2018 17:45

The whole scenario is weird. Will the parents not be waiting at the school while he does this trip to Asda?

No school should be letting a child go in an un checked and DBSd parent's car.

Tink2007 · 08/02/2018 17:46

Motoko Yes they do.

GrockleBocs · 08/02/2018 17:47

I have done transporting of children to and from a local event for school. I had to sign a form etc. But we drove directly from school to the event and back. I'm not sure going via Asda and shopping there would have been OK. He needs to check that with a teacher.

XiCi · 08/02/2018 17:48

I would be really pissed off if I expected my dd to be transported back to school after an event and I found out someone had taken her shopping to Asda.

kyrenialady · 08/02/2018 17:51

Is he allowed without being DBS checked. I wouldn't be happy with my child in a strangers car.

Original poster
Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 08/02/2018 20:09

I wasn't furious...just concerned at safe guarding issues as well as gossip/talk (small village school) that would have my DH and then indirectly my DD being spoken about and classes as irresponsible. My husband was furious at me for questioning his decision...

The form did say that the school were relying on parent helpers for transportation and you had to sign to a) say you were happy with this b) could those with transport help.

Due to the nature of the activity and the size of the school, most parents know each other (we are fairly new to the area and DD's 1st week at extended activity) It's ongoing so I guess it always the same, I didn't have a problem with my husband helping (though I suspect that he wanted to rather than he needed to) more that the consent form the child's parent's had filled in would have been given for transport to and from and a school event rather than stopping and Asda for a steak and bottle of red wine!! However to clarify both my DC and her friend would have been transported and taken part whether DH had involved himself or not!!

DD is 9 (10 in September) so suspect friend is same age.

As an update he didn't actually stop at shops and took classmate back to school (after school club) but he is still puzzled as to why I would be worried about any consequences!!

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 08/02/2018 20:46

Couldn't he have gone to asda while the kids were at their event?

Original poster
Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 08/02/2018 21:39

He could have but it was a competitive event which he chose to stay and watch for DD's benefit.

OP posts:
translationAndRotation · 09/02/2018 03:10

"The form did say that the school were relying on parent helpers for transportation and you had to sign to a) say you were happy with this"

In that case I can't see the problem at all.

Original poster
Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 09/02/2018 07:21

My issue wasn't with DH helping out, far from it, it was him stoping with child who neither of us knew at a supermarket for a mini shop on the way home from a school event!!

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 09/02/2018 08:16

I'd think the other child's parents would be delighted their child got a lift from another parent with her friend/ classmate and the stopping for shopping is a non issue. I think you're massively over reacting tbh.

saoirse31 · 09/02/2018 08:18

What's the issue with stopping tho? Seriously? She was with your dd too, stopping briefly for shopping is a normal thing to do.

Nousernameforme · 09/02/2018 08:26

I can see where you are coming from OP.

Imagine you are sat waiting at school to pick your child up everyone else comes back and goes home your child isn't there. You ask a teacher who doesn't know and can just say they left the event with everyone else so you start to worry.

Up pops cheerful dh who says sorry we are late had to nip in to asda would that really not piss anyone here off?

And popping in to asda isnt a 2 minute deal is it. Those places are huge so its finding a parking spot walking to the shop finding what you want waiting in the que walking back to the car etc. Thats at least 20 mins.

Original poster
Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 09/02/2018 09:16

Exactly...

That's just one of the scenarios that ran through my head.

Others included if he left them both in the car, which with my eldest two being nearly 10 and 11 we often do...(so he wouldn't think twice)

Or an instance where my DH is left alone with classmate for example if DD went to the toilet or to an aisle to pick something up...where would he stand if they had been spotted or further more child had viewed/worded the situation in non-innocent way..

I may be coming across as OTT and admitidly I am a worrier however for the protection of my DH and DD I just didn't think it was a very good idea for the sake of it being more convenient.

Just to clarify, I never hugely overreacted, there was no shouting on my part, I just voiced that I didn't think it was a very sensible thing to do!

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 09/02/2018 09:21

So giving a friend / classmate of your dd , with your dd there also, is now not a sensible thing to do?

I'm actually speechless

Original poster
Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 09/02/2018 09:31

Read the post!!!

This was never about my DH helping with a school event...I realise we are very lucky that he is around to help and furthermore wants to...

My concern was the stop on the way back with a child that neither of us knew, DD isn't particularly friendly with for a mid week mini-shop...

Each parent, like us would have filled in a consent form stating we were happy for our DC to be transported to a school event and back again not a field trip round Asda...

The fact that there is more than one person/parent on this small post that agrees that yes they wouldn't have been happy with this shows my worry of any backlash/complaints aren't unfounded!!

We are new to the area, it's a small village school and all 3 DC are just settling in as are we with an already established group of parents/community. Yes I may be overly cautious but imo worth it to avoid any drama, gossip or trouble for my DC.

OP posts:
Talith · 09/02/2018 09:36

I think the fact that he wanted to is nice. You seem to be implying that he was muscling in unnecessarily. Given the circs I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. It wasn't a coach trip where everyone else would have arrived together and your daughter and friend would have been conspicuously separate. A quick stop at a shop is not a big deal really. They aren't tiny toddlers. He sounds like a involved and thoughtful dad.