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AIBU?

AIBU - DH gives DD chocolate at 7.30am

131 replies

Nquartz · 08/02/2018 17:01

DH drops DD off at breakfast club 4 days a week and they leave about 10 minutes after I go to work. Apparently after I have left it is so hard to get DD out the door without a meltdown that DH gives her some chocolate.

I have asked him repeatedly not to (and I get her out of the house on the 5th day without any kind of meltdown) but he says I'm not there so it isn't up to me.

I think giving a 6 year old chocolate 4 days a week at 7.30am is fucking disgraceful but is he right that as I'm not there it isn't up to me?

OP posts:

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Quartz2208 · 08/02/2018 18:05

Yeah I do kind of think you have overreacted then if its just a chocolate coin

I think leaving at the same time is the best way forward - my suspicion is that its that which causes the need for chocolate (and why its not an issue on the day you are there)

VioletCharlotte · 08/02/2018 18:06

Seriously? I chocolate coin won't kill her and if it makes life easier in the morning, then so be it.

There'll come a day, when your DD reaches secondary school, that she'll be consuming fizzy drinks, crisps and bags of sweets on the way to school. You'll look back and realise what a fuss about nothing this was.

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:08

Actually I suspect it's more a case of the dd knows they wouldn't get away with having a tantrum with mum but have learned dad's a soft touch. That's a worrying situation all round. Not just in terms of discipline but it sets mum up to be "the bad guy".

mustbemad17 · 08/02/2018 18:09

The fact it's chocolate doesn't bother me whatsoever. Won't kill her. The issue I would have - and this would be what caused ructions between me & OH - is the fact that she is being rewarded for kicking off. She has to leave the house, no choice on that. Her choice is do it calmly as she does with you, or do it kicking & screaming; she is being rewarded for refusing to do something without a fuss.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 08/02/2018 18:10

Are you insecure about the relationship he has or is building with your daughter?

Snacktimonious · 08/02/2018 18:24

Personally I’m a bit shock at the idea of giving one of my kids a kitkat at 7:30am but that’s just me

It was me that brought up the kit-kat. Nobody gave it to me, I bought it myself on the way to school. There was nobody up at home to give me breakfast. I could have made myself toast, or had cereal but I preferred to buy a kit-kat. Which 8 year old wouldn't? (ok there are maybe some - not me though!)

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:25

Snack you weren't the only person to mention Kitkats (anyone getting hungry? )

Nquartz · 08/02/2018 18:50

Graphista gets a gold star, you have summed it up lerfectly. I'm always the disciplinarian, bad guy, one who says no whereas DH is the fun one who takes her to McDonalds.

mustbemad also spot on, she knows that with him if she has a paddy she gets her way.

I think it is that which bothers me most but I also don't like the idea of using sweets/chocolAte etc as a reward (she gets a magazine from me for a treat) and I don't want DD to get in the habit of having chocolate every day.

OP posts:

Snacktimonious · 08/02/2018 18:52

Snack you weren't the only person to mention Kitkats

Oh! I did notice someone else did but I didn't think it was in relation to parents giving kids them for breakfast. And it followed hot on my post. At least I thought it did.

I don't even like kit kats now.

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:52

Yep thought so. That's not on him getting to be the "fun nice" parent and you the "bad guy" all the time. That's poisoning your relationship with your dd. Definitely requires a serious discussion.

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:53

"I don't even like kit kats now." Haha did you eat yourself sick of them? I did that with mars bars

Beamur · 08/02/2018 19:00

The fun parent (Dad) less fun (Mum) I'd agree is more of an issue. It does rather smack of a degree of spinelessness from your DH.
I used to bribe my DD with either raisins or when she got smarter, chocolate buttons to get in the car seat. But, there wasn't really a big problem if the bribe wasn't forthcoming. No meltdown. It became more like a bit of a game between us.

Snacktimonious · 08/02/2018 19:04

Haha did you eat yourself sick of them?

Yup. Those and tinned mandarin oranges.

floriad · 08/02/2018 19:36

I don't have children yet (also my due date is approaching soon), so please take this with a grain of salt:

I think giving a 6 year old chocolate 4 days a week at 7.30am is fucking disgraceful but is he right that as I'm not there it isn't up to me?

That's imo obviously wrong. I'm not even sure how someone could come up with this!

The idea that he can't just carry a 2,5 yo out of the house seems a bit strange as well. Does he have back issues?

I'm not sure whether bribing children with food - especially for a regular activity - is a good idea, tbh.

I can see how you being the "bad" parent and he being the fun one is a really aweful position to be in.

Could you try to not participate in this / refuse to stay in your assigned role? Have you tried talking to your DH about this? If yes and it continues... maybe couple / family therapy?

mumeeee · 08/02/2018 22:23

Your DH is your DD's parent too. You don't get to decide what happens when he is looking after her. It's only a chocolate coin so a very small piece of chocolate. I think you are over reacting.
However if it really bothers you that much your should sit down with him and discuss it

Worldsworstcook · 08/02/2018 22:28

I would hardly see a chocolate football as a route to evil, or a half of a kit Kat crunchy.

Keep your battles for battles worth fighting. YABU

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/02/2018 22:34

It’s a small amount of chocolate, it’s neither here nor there. However, she’s 6, ask him what he’s going to bribe her with when she’s 16. It’s the bribery that’s the issue, not the chocolate. He’s being lazy, tell him to think of her, not himself.

Fruitbat1980 · 08/02/2018 22:47

I can see why you are annoyed at good cop/bad cop, but meh, I have a bag of Percy pigs in my glovebox formprecisely this reason as my 3 year old is like painnof death to get out the house in morning. I’ve long since learnt to keep treat on car and he gets at destination not start.
So three mornings a week he has a Percy at 8am and we both have a cuddle with no tears. There are worse things....

CakeNinja · 09/02/2018 00:53

Having very young type 1 diabetics in the family I am perhaps more sensitive to witnessing the physical effect sugar has on you, as in the mood changes, sugar highs and then lows. Even non diabetics will go through this. It’s the similar theory to the post carb crash after lunch.
As I said, you do what you want with your kids, but yes, I wouldn’t be making a habit of giving my (school aged kids) a kitkat essentially for breakfast.
That’s my choice, you can make yours! I hardly think I’m alone in my shock at giving a kitkat at 7:30 - i don’t think it’s the norm, but I don’t really care how other people feed their kids. I’m only responsible for the health of my own. *shrug

Taytotots · 09/02/2018 01:22

Might she be getting 'hangry' ? Is there any way to feed her something else earlier? My daughter has complete morning meltdowns if we don't get some food into her first thing. If not I don't really see the issue with a small piece of chocolate. How many adults will be clutching a tea/coffee - similar effect.

Nquartz · 09/02/2018 06:01

She always has something to eat between getting up & leaving for school, usually a yoghurt & banana so she can't really be that hungry.

We had a chat about it last night & his reasoning is she usually asks when they are rushing out of the house & he starts to 'spiral' so gives in to prevent further delay/tears/drama.

We've decided we'll all leave at the same time for a few days to see if that helps.

To the PP who've said it's lazy parenting I think I agree, and it does worry me what she'll try on him when she's older

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 09/02/2018 06:29

" Children need a little sugar. A cavity or two is not child abuse! What is this obsession with teeth?"
Seriously?

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JingsMahBucket · 09/02/2018 06:56

YANBU, OP. I’m quite shocked at most of the responses saying it’s okay. No wonder so many kids and adults are addicted to sugar or are obese so early on. Wow.

Tarraleaha · 09/02/2018 07:28

No, giving a bit of chocolate is not going to make anyone obese. You should look at the diet over a full day, and an entire week. Bad diet is terrible for everybody, but being unreasonable and banning one type of food has never been recommended.

If you feed your kids porridge,toasts for snacks, sandwich for lunch, biscuits for afternoon snacks, crisps and potatoes for diner, you are not doing them any favour. It's about healthy balance and portion size. A piece of chocolate in the morning is not the issue. It's not like the child is surviving on chocolate, plastic cheese, pots of sugar called "kids yogurts".

PatsysPyjamas · 09/02/2018 07:43

I'm also surprised by the number of people saying 'whatever makes it easier'. This does not make it easier! A six-year old will be going to school 5 days a week for the next 12 years, it's a completely routine thing to do and she needs to get used to it. If you start giving out bribes for that, what will you have left in reserve for the actual inconveniences of life (when you really need the bribes)?

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