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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do now

20 replies

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 14:56

Currently separating from H. My choice. He has always been a bit controlling, not liking me going out, never doing housework, hobbies that leave me alone with kids all day on a weekend. This progressed into aggressive behaviour during and after my last pregnancy. I'm no longer in love with him although we get on well enough for the most part, usually down to me walking on eggshells and picking up the slack.

He's been very up and down since I told him a month ago. He refused to leave, wants 50:50 shared parenting and wants to be the 'main carer' so he can claim universal credit (I earn double what he does and don't qualify).

I agreed to all of this and found a place to move to. He has given me money to buy me out (it's a small amount as we're in shared ownership and haven't been here that long).

Last night I was a bit upset and overwhelmed by it all, and sad that I hate being at home right now and sad that my memories of my home will be sad and sad to leave my home which wouldn't be my ideal outcome.

He has now said he will move to his dad's for a 6 month trial separation and I can stay here. This will mean the kids with me 100% of the time as they cannot stay at his dads. Lots of his stuff will stay here and he will have to come round here to see the kids etc. I'm not completely averse to a trial separation, but nor do I want to feel he could turn up whenever and it still be his home. My heart wants to stay in my house but my head is saying I should stick with the original plan. (fwiw rented house I would go to is smaller and dearer but nicer than my house).

Aibu to not have a clue what to do?

OP posts:

needmysleep75 · 08/02/2018 15:02

Make sure there are rules in place, if he moves out does he need his key? Is there room to pack up his stuff that he doesn't take an store it?
Have set times where he can come and see the kids, could you go out whilst he is there?
Do not let him become main carer to the kids for financial reasons, that isn't fair on anyone.

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 15:02

Are you emotionally checked out of the relationship or do you think it can be worked on?

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 15:12

The main carer thing is just in name and was agreed when he was going to do 50:50 childcare as he couldn't afford to live alone without UC. Its kind of necessary from that perspective and not about who has the kids or when, and it's already done because until last night I was definitely leaving.

We could set rules but I don't trust he would stick to them. He's convinced I'm going to run off with someone else, terrified of it in fact. I've been with him since I was a teenager (mid 30s) so he thinks I'm thinking the grass is greener.

I was very definitely emotionally checked out, the longer we're in the same house the harder it is because I feel guilty for hurting him so badly, but also angry that it's his treatment of me that got us here. He has been to the gp re his anger and anxiety and is now getting help. At the moment he's on 'best behaviour' but there are still times when the smothering starts, following me room to room, not letting me be when I don't want to talk. So it's up and down. I can't honestly say whether separation will be the end or if there can be a reconciliation. I can't even consider it until he gets proper help. I can't imagine being intimate again, but could see us as friends (although I doubt that would really work)

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 15:17

Then I wouldn't stay at the house.

I think it would be better to leave so he doesn't see it as a sign that things might be back to normal in a month or so.

mickeysminnie · 08/02/2018 15:36

So officially he would be the main carer and have the kids 50/50. Now he is proposing to still officially be the main carer but practically he will just call around and visit?

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 15:39

No, he wouldn't be the main carer if he was at his dads. Although all that really is about is who claims the child benefit, which currently goes into a joint bank account

OP posts:

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 15:40

We've agreed the financials for either eventuality. It's what that outcome is going to be that I'm struggling with

OP posts:

sonjadog · 08/02/2018 15:40

I would stick to the original plan. It sounds like he is thinking that this new plan will mean he is in the house more often than not and that he will be able to smoothly move back in after a while. He isn´t giving you space to find out what you want. Also, like the poster above says, he seems to have moved from 50-50 to you doing all the childcare, but with him getting money for doing it.

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 15:46

He wouldn't get any money at his dads that's only in the original plan

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/02/2018 15:54

You could get into hot water over maintenance etc if he is declared main carer but not. What if you become unemployed then can't claim housing benefit be cause you aren't the main carer of the DC??

If he moves out to his Dads he can have the DC during the day there or take them out otherwise he'll just come and go as he pleases and continue to control you...

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 15:59

His dad's a miserable, angry, alcoholic who smokes all day so I'm loathe for the dc to go there, it's not an appropriate place for young children. There's a reason H has ended up how he has (not to diminish his own responsibility). The main carer thing isn't really the issue, I'm already aware of the implications. Either of us could get made unemployed, I'd have to cross that bridge if I got to it.

But you're right, he would still control me here.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/02/2018 16:13

If you have more than one child consider
Splitting the CB into one each. Otherwise he can start claiming maintenance off you.

He doesn't want the relationship to end, he is controlling, he may do anything he can to punish you.

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 16:16

Wouldn't he only get half the tax credits and help towards nursery then? Honestly, it's not the finances I'm concerned about.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 08/02/2018 16:19

Stick to orginal plan otherwise he will always be at the house anyway to see the kids as they can't go to his dads. Tbh I think that's his plan - he can keep an eye on you and still be a very big impact on yoir life

RandomMess · 08/02/2018 16:21

What if he took you to court to get resident parent status and used CB as proof of being main carer?

Also why should the tax payer subsidise his lifestyle???

Seriously do it properly and split if he can't afford the house either he moved out or sell it but don't complicate things with him because he's a contract bully and it will come back to bite you...

Travis1 · 08/02/2018 16:23

Don;t stay, it muddies the waters too much, stick with the original plan and go.

Allthewaves · 08/02/2018 16:23

I may be wrong but pretty sure he can claim tc/uc even with 50:50 custody

www.entitledto.co.uk/help/children

APerfectSky · 08/02/2018 16:36

I'm confused, you wanted to split, agreed to move out, he buys you out, then you get cold feet, say you'll miss your home (that you haven't been in long) and so he arranged alternative accommodation and now you're still not happy? What exactly do you want? You've not really said what your ideal outcome is (kids and financial implications aside)? Do you want him to move out but into a separate accommodation? Can he afford to do that if you earn twice what he does?

Original poster

AmpleRaspberries · 08/02/2018 17:11

He can Allthewaves but hmrc have said they check who is the main carer via child benefit.

Perfect I'm confused too. Hence the post. I agreed to move out because he wouldn't. Yeah, I got upset about it, we have a mortgage here, it feels like giving up a lot, don't know if/when I can get on the property ladder again. I'm OK about being upset, we've been together a long time, it's upheaval, it is upsetting. He has now offered to move to his dad's (obviously he wouldn't be buying me out then) on a trial separation basis. I am trying to decide what's best.

My ideal is he moves to alternative accommodation, I would give him a lump sum to buy him out which would enable him to set up and then he would be entitled to tc/uc which would mean he could afford to do that. I appreciate I can't just have my own way, I'm ok with that. I'm just trying to work out what's best for me and the kids

OP posts:

G120810 · 09/02/2018 21:53

Well done the both of u are helping each other out yes he has major issues he needs to deal with you have been through alot together and u have something there as he you don't want to hurt him and he moved out u myt think this is so he knows we're u are is it so bad if comes round and use hang out as friend and u are both going through the same thing and eventually talk about what has happened I would give him 1 more chance to see if he can work on his issue he has been brought up like this it's not always a simple case of he's evil never talk to him again but if he can see it and improve it get ure friend back and help each other be happy u probably have some things that u would like to change as well but live apart for long time use can start dating again gd luck cc

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