4 year old bad behaviour advice required please!

[Badgoushk]

My 4 year old DD is playing up a lot at the moment, by which I mean:

• shouting at me and her Dad
• occasionally hitting me or her 2 year old sister
• getting very angry and throwing things around
• being rude to me and her Dad
• acting up at bedtime

She has recently recovered from croup but her nursery school tells me she behaves well there although sometimes doesn't like to take 'adult instruction', for example when writing her name.

I try to give her and her little sister equal attention.

I'm currently staying very calm but telling her that it's not acceptable. If she hits me or her sister, or says something rude like 'shut up' to me, then I take away something she values immediately. Like her favourite book or toy of the moment. This causes her to be upset but stops the behaviour. I felt like I was making progress but this afternoon she had another meltdown as she wanted a story but we needed to go out. She hit me (I removed her doll) and then she told me to shut up (I removed her book).

Things have calmed down now but I'm feeling like a bad mother.

Do I just need to persevere with this and it will work?

Before the last fortnight, she was generally reasonably good. She's a very headstrong character, strong willed, etc, but is a sensitive soul at heart.

Help please!

Ground rules are a must I would do time out even if she does have a tantrum let her kids have plenty of toys she will get over that punishment quick as she has more toys and the sibling hitting is not right you don't become ill and turn into the devil child get siblings doing things together and once she has done time out tell her that behaviour is not acceptable it's hard doing it but it gets easier kids act out as aeay to get attention remove her from room then she doesn't get attention she will see when u behave you do xx

Now's the time to love bomb. Continue keeping the boundaries and consistant consequences - if she does x, she knows y will happen. But focus on catching her being good, find at least three things (no matter how small or obvious ) to praise her on and make a fuss over for every time you have to take something away/tell her off.
That way more of your interactions are positive then negative and you don't go further into the downward spiral of negative attention. It reminds both of you that she's good (and it can sometimes be hard to remember that with a kid going through a challenging phase).

Try and show her you identify with her feelings while not changing your mind. So holding her and saying Oh l know sweetheart you are disappointed not to get another story but we have to go now. Let her know it is tough for her and that you understand. So you are showing her how to express her disappointment in a more acceptable way. She is only learning. Maybe return the toy when you catch her doing something well. Like thanks for putting all your toys away..lets go and get your doll back. Then leave it. I don't believe in punishing too much as really its our job to teach them and we need to be patient while they learn.
Starting nursery can cause outbursts too as they use up all their good behaviour there and are exhausted.

What does she get for good behaviour?
What's the motivation for playing nicely . Sitting nicely at dinner. Brushing teeth etc.
It s all very negative.
Start some reward charts.

We have a reward chart which seems to work. When a toy gets taken away for being naughty she only gets it back when she has a whole day of good stickers. Seems to be working so far...

Question

If she was angry with her 2 year old sister and as a result, took her sisters favourite toy from her and put it out of her reach, would you be angry with her? Would you support the 2yo in feeling upset at this?

Taking things does work here. It just makes them angry at me, and very hard done by, and does nothing to make them feel remorseful about their own behaviour, in fact it takes the focus off it completely and on to what I have done to them.

Doesn’t work

Kids are different, you just do what works.

I have taken toys before and it has worked. I now need to do it rarely.

Naughty step or time out doesn't work here. It just prompts a feeling of abandonment and a massive distressed screaming fit. So I don't do it.

I agree with your final sentence Penggwyn.

I'm a teacher so we have a very firm teacher voice here.

I rarely lose my rag (I do sometimes) but we'll have a countdown, then a request, then a reminder, then it's firm teacher voice, then punishment.

Repeating myself fucks me right off so I refuse to do it.

Thanks everyone. Some really good suggestions that I have taken on board.