Bored with life...when does it get better?

[melt71]

I am so bored with my life as it is at the moment and know that I need to make some drastic changes, but I don't know where to start. I never thought it was possible to feel so stressed that you have pains in your chest AND bored at the same time. But apparently, it is possible.

Life is OK, I know there are people much worse off than me. Not everything is bad and I know I should be grateful. I have spent the last 20+ years feeling grateful for everything that I have, but now I'm getting to the point where I regularly feel like 'is this it?'. What next? I thought this would be the time of life that things would get easier and I could start enjoying my life and my interests again after dedicating all my time to the family. But that's not happening. It's just more boring crap everyday. I used to think that the weeks/months went by quickly, now it is YEARS that go by quickly.

I've been doing the same (very emotionally draining) job for almost 15 years and when I go home, instead of relaxing and having time to do what I want, I then have a 2nd job - the school runs, all of the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, childcare issues etc and anything else that is thrown at me. I'm sure this sounds familiar to some of you. This has only really escalated to this point over the past 2.5 years since my partner changed his job. Before that, we worked opposite shifts and he did his share of the housework, cooking etc. He didn't do as much as me, but he did about 30-40%. Recently, I haven't seen him with a hoover in hand for over 6 months, he rarely cooks, never washes any clothes, doesn't do anything at all to do with the school, homework or school runs. I could go on, but you get the picture.

He seems to leave everything to me these days, except for the odd night when it suits him to get involved, he may cook dinner, but I am still left to do everything else. His only responsibility is to walk the dog, I do pretty much everything else.

Last night, he had promised to cook dinner and he'd also promised to take our daughter swimming even though he clearly had no intention of taking her - but he came home with his mate from work, disappeared into the mancave for about 2 hours, came into the house after 7pm ate dinner (that I'd cooked - he seemed surprised but our daughter goes to bed at 8 and she was starving!!) and sat and watched TV for over 2.5 hours. He then announced that he didn't want the dog because he was too tired!!! I was fuming. I ended up walking her at 10pm, after being on the go since 7.30am.

I feel so fed up. I have nobody that I am close to anymore. I've even grown apart from my mum and sister. All of my friends and family live far away (I moved to the south coast 20 years ago) and I never see my friends anymore, but I don't know how to make new friends when all I do is work or clean the * house!

When you want to make BIG changes, where do you start? Who do you talk to? I am starting to feel depressed it is all getting me down so much, but I don't know how to get out of this very deep hole. I know that I need to make some new friends and get out of the house more often, but I don't know how to make friends in my mid 40's!

I also know that I need to change my job to a less demanding one, possibly even retrain, but again, I don't know where to start. My OH doesn't ever seem to want to talk about me changing my job, despite me supporting him with 2 career changes (1 which involved completely retraining) over the past 13 years. So we plod on. Pretending everything is going great.

Help me :(

I know this might sound impossible, but the first thing I would do is book a holiday. Alone. Any way you could do this? Time to recoup, time to think and see what you're feeling, without distractions.

Sounds like you've got a whole lot of things going on including a rather useless partner. Is it possible for you to go part-time or at least reduce hours so you can carve out some time for yourself? I do most of the housework but I don't mind as my DH does his share by ferrying the kids around to activities (I don't drive) and working from home whenever they are sick or have appointments. My work is quite boring and not very fulfilling but I only do it 3.5 days a week so have time to do things which make me happy like running, going to the cinema and meeting people for coffee.

Glitter Unicorns; Yes, I was thinking that! I've been trying to do it for about 2 years, but OH buggered off to see his mate last weekend and is also talking about going away in March. He leaves me to cope, so I think it's about time I did the same for a few days. I will book something today. Thank you.

NickEcave: Unfortunately that isn't an option for me in this particular job as I already work the minimum hours that it will realistically allow (30hrs at work, plus working from home in the evenings when busy, plus on call occasionally as well :o I do a full time job in part time hours as I have more responsibility/workload than my full time colleagues.) This is actually one of the reasons I want to leave. It's too much with everything else I have going on.

Hi op,

Well your dh sounds useless!I think sorting things out with him would be a good start. He needs to pull his weight and act like a father and husband, not a teenage boy. Man cave?! Do you have a room for you where you get to do your thing?

Do you enjoy your job? If not, is there any particular area you are interested in? Could you look at retraining? Or if you're happy in your work could you look at local courses you might enjoy? I work from home but go to a painting class but there are tonnes of courses around in all sorts of things, maybe taking up a new interest would help?

Do you have many friends or speak to your family much? I find even a 10 minute phone call with my mum or a friend can lift my mood.

Do you and your husband ever get to go out together?

That's great OP, just do it. Where are you thinking?

Yy to holiday

Book a cottage for a weekend and go with all those friends you’ve lost touch with

Also book some nights out - with your mum, with your sister. Arrange it, tell your OH and then remind him again. Make sure you go. Regularly

And YOU take the dog for a walk. He can do the boring house shit. Take the dog for a walk, listen to a podcast or audiobook, or even better find a friend to walk with and stop by the pub too

You need to take charge, do stuff for you and tell your OH he’s looking after the DC whilst you do it

Wellfuckmeinbothears I don't want to make out that all of my problems are because of him not doing housework, because I actually don't think I would feel any less bored if we split up. We've been having problems for almost 2 years that started when his mum died, he has never been the same since. He doesn't have much family left except a sister and brother that he hardly ever sees. The mancave is a midlife crisis I think, we needed a new shed and he spent a few grand of his inheritance on buying what is essentially a posh shed!! lol

We do get on well when we spend time together as a couple and yes, we do occasionally go out when we can get a babysitter. It's the day to day humdrum that is killing me. I feel like I am dying inside, in fact I feel like the old me has gone and I'm worried I will never get her back now!

I can't really talk to my family about how I feel, I don't want to burden them with my shit. My mum is a full time carer and is stuck looking after my dad all the time, the last thing she needs is me moaning about life being boring. My sister has a new baby and life is great for her at the mo, she is completely high on life as a new mum so I don't want to bring her down with my crap, it's not fair. She's waited years to be this happy. My friends are no longer friends that i can phone up and chat to about my problems, we keep in touch via facebook and text occasionally, but that's it. They've all moved on. So I don't really have anyone to talk to about problems.

I did enjoy my job, but I don't anymore. I need a change but I'm not sure how to go about it. I need flexible working hours and decent pay and jobs like that are like rocking horse shit in Dorset, I have been looking on and off for over 4 years! :) A part time course could be an option, I will look into the options locally. Thanks for replying.

The holiday is a great idea. Definitely do that.

Then see about divorcing that useless hunk of meat that's hanging off you and dragging you down.

Taffeta: regular nights out with my mum or sister sounds amazing, but they live 280 miles away! :) I moved to the south coast many moons ago, they still live up north.

I will start taking charge of my time though and telling him he's sorting out what needs to be sorted, I do recognise that I am letting him off way too lightly and just getting on with it, but that is my nature. He knows this and I think that he is using that to duck out of family life, knowing I'll be there to pick up the pieces. :( Basically he is being a knob.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz: somewhere with a hot tub preferably! I am looking at the moment on snaptrip :)

Your second to last post is full of how other people feel and about not burdening them. I think most caring family members would much rather you talked than keep it to yourself and if you're going to shut yourself away then very little is going to get better - you do need to talk to someone, perhaps a counsellor?

Have you told him how pissed off you are? Is he bothered?

If he isn't then he might as well go and take the dog with him. Two fewer chores. Also school age kids can step up and do stuff.

Melt - life sound tough for you right now. You're caught up in the daily grind and it can be soul destroying, especially without a good support network around you. Which area of your life do you think you want to tackle as a priority? Husband, work, having fun, friends?

Reach out to your old friends, they’ll be happy to hear from you. Call your mum and your sister, try and reignite your old relationships.
Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, explain you need a break. Tell him he needs to help you more. Tell him you are unhappy.
Do something for you, try a new hobby, join a gym, even just get outdoors more. Something that you enjoy and is just for you. Once a week for an hour is a good place to start.

Ah sorry!

I think dog walking is a great place to start

Gets you out in the fresh air and more than likely meeting people

You may meet someone local who can tell you about something you could do locally in a regular basis to get you out and meeting people eg a book club, a walking group. Is your DD at primary? Have you connected with any of the mums at the school gate?

How old is your daughter? Should she be doing more to help as well as your husband?

Can I ask what you’ve done to make it less boring?

Sometimes you just have to put up with these bad patches. I don't mean your DP not doing his share. That should be tackled. You need a friend or somebody that you can talk to about this. What about trying to meet new people I agree with joining a bookgroup to start with.

I also think a system of who does what on which nights avoids all these arguments about whose turn it is to cook tea and so on. If you can afford it get a cleaner. It does help. But if you can't then don't.

You have to sit down with him and make him listen. Tell him he has to do more or else you see no other option apart from leaving him. At the rate your going your going to end up ill. Also like the person above says get the kids to do chores as well. Theres no reason they cant be clearing the table, washing up, tidying up, doing their lunches etc.
I'd also be having at least 2 nights out a week, go to the sports center, choose a class or go swimming. It doesnt matter if your not keen your getting out and doing things. It will make you feel better.

Stop all this stuff about how you can't talk to family/friends because they're so unhappy/so happy right now. Is that how little you think of them? They won't feel burdened. If they care they want to hear it. You can't form real relationships with other people unless you can be honest and emotionally intimate with them.

Take that holiday, definitely, and while you're on it, think about what you want to be different at home. YY to walking the dog yourself (good way to meet people too) and H picking up other things.

Think about finding something that gets you in contact with people and out of the house regularly that's just for you. Doesn't matter what - Zumba, pottery class, volunteering for Rape Crisis, whatever. Start doing that every week.

Agree you just need to plan time for yourself. You don't ask. You plan it and tell your dh. I travel for work a few times a year, so I get that sort of time away anyway, but since my dd has been maybe 2, I plan one weekend a year for myself (or sometimes longer if it's combined with work travel). I went to San Francisco a couple years ago (this was for work, but I took some time for myself to). Last year I went to Barcelona for 3 days. The year before I went to Ireland and met up with a friend for a weekend. I do approve the dates with my dh before I finalise the booking as obviously he needs to be available for childcare and he does sometimes work on weekends. I don't think holidays are necessarily the solution, but they do make me feel alive again and like my old self pre-kids and I find them really refreshing. I enjoy my own company and am happy to travel alone. Similarly, I also schedule in days to myself closer to home too. My family don't live close either and my friends all have busy work schedules and small children, so meeting up with them can be tricky. But that's fine. I take myself on the train with a book or magazine and go somewhere for the day I want to see, have a nice lunch, relax, have a few glasses of wine and take the train back in the evening. It's wonderful. I do that several times a year.

But I think you're right about being more assertive and not letting him duck out of things. Plan to sit down and talk through where you need more help. Set different expectations. My dh would never dream of showing up home late with a friend and hiding out somewhere and coming to dinner late. Because we have firm expectations of when each of us comes home from work and the jobs we each have to do in the evening. That doesn't mean we don't sometimes see friends or work late or do something different, but we let the other know and we ask if it's okay and if the other is free to do the school run/cook dinner/whatever. Life doesn't run smoothly if things don't get done and we each have our things to do every day, because we sat down and planned it like that, and so we both have to turn up and do them. We've both arranged our work so we have the flexibility to do that, even though we both work full-time. I think you just have to be pushy about it.

Thank you for all of your responses. I can't reply to them all individually but I have read them and I am taking on board what you are saying. Some of you have helped me more than you can imagine (especially the questions, it's helping me to get to the bottom of a lot of the noise that has been going on in my head for the past few months). Thank you!

I have had quite a few ideas of how I can improve things for me in terms of making day to day life more interesting. I have started looking for courses/classes locally and will also be applying for an interesting job I have seen. This job has been fantastic for me in terms of pay and flexible working hours over the years, but I'm bored with it now and it is very emotionally draining and it is only going to get worse as more people leave, so I need to get out as soon as I can.

I'm working later than OH tonight so he will get home to a VERY messy house as I haven't done any housework since Wednesday night, and he will also have to prepare dinner.

Hopefully he will realise that when I don't clean, the house looks like a shitstorm very quickly, I don't think he realises what goes into keeping it clean and tidy every single day, and to be fair, I don't think he cares that much. I like to live in a clean house and I hate clutter, he grew up in a house that wasn't that clean and was very, very cluttered. But I will speak to him about it tomorrow and tell him that he needs to pull his finger out and help, or we are getting a cleaner. Simple as that.

Then I just need to work on making more local friends. Hopefully my new interests/classes will help with this :) If you have any tips on making new friends in your 40's, let me know! Thanks again.

Please get this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It will help you identify how you want your lifeto be, and how to plan so you can actually start making changes. I read it 5 yrs ago and it changed my life.

And while we're talking books you might as well get the lifechanging magic of tidying by marie kondo. It will help with the clutter, more so if you can get your dh to read it.

My experience is that friends come from doing a shared activity. So a listen-and-learn type class didn't work for me, but an "assertiveness" course (do they still have these?) did - mainly because 6 of us decided to continue as a self-help group once the course finished. 25 years on I still retain a good friend from that group despite moving to the other end of the country. Five years ago I set up another self-help group after another organised group folded - two very good friends from that who I meet outside the group, and the rest I'd feel comfortable going to if I needed a friend.

Volunteering is good, because you're working alongside other people - especially if you can get involved in doing something useful - minutes secretary, treasurer - something that means people need to seek you out.

I suppose I'm saying is start by putting something in, and then friendships will follow (eg at your new class, look out for the person who is sitting on their own at coffee break, and talk to him/her). I have more friends now than I've had at any other life stage.

for new friends try meetup.com I've met lots of lovely new people through its groups and I'm in my 40s.

Thanks Redexpat, I love a good self help book so I will check that one out. I would get the clutter one for OH but I doubt he'll read it, it will just add to his other clutter.

Thanks for your tips meredintofpandiculation. I will keep that in mind. Where do you advertise your group meetings? I've looked on facebook and gumtree and can't see anything like that on there. I may check out the local library to see if they have details of local groups/meetings.

TheTapir; thanks. I will try that again. Hopefully there will be some new groups now. I did try it a few years ago but our local one was a large group of people who want to go out for meals or drinks, I would prefer something a bit more contained than 40+ new people that I've never met all in one room at the same time!