To want to know if my kids are going skiing or not?

[surlycurly]

So context may help here:

Every year my EXH takes the kids skiing for a week. He told me earlier this year that was his plan again. However after another phone call last week he told me he no longer plans to take them for the full week because he is too busy at work. This is clearly irritating but not the end of the world as I am off work, however I have given my au pair the week off as a result of the initial plan.

Now I text him yesterday to find out what is happening and he's ignored it not unusual as he's a useless communicator which is part of the reason I divorced him. They are supposed to leave tomorrow. AIBU to think that not letting me know if they're going skiing until the day before is a bit ridiculous? I need to pack for them appropriately and make sure they have everything they need because I know he won't and the kids will end up distressed. In addition there is the possibility he will not take them skiing at all but instead to see his new fiancé who lives abroad. I simply don't know.

Oh and I'm conscious as to how much of a non problem This will sound to many but the lack of information triggers me as I'm pretty rigid about routines and organisation.

AIBU?

Wth? That's ridiculous of him. Was the plan always to leave tomorrow and then cut the week short?

Plan was always to leave tomorrow for a full week as in previous years. He now wants to return them on Tuesday or Wednesday (again I've no idea which).

I would call him, not text, and say 'right, as you planned to take them ski-ing, I have made plans and let the au pair go on hol. I will drop them off for the week tomorrow - am I packing ski-ing gear and passports, or not?'

Has he arranged travel insurance etc, wherever he is taking them?

He generally has yearly insurance for them as the place he's going is not in the EU. I'm just sick of the ambiguity. The kids are also pretty aggrieved as they don't know what they're doing and at not hugely keen on the new fiancé. Clearly they would rather ski and go and see her.

I'd ring him until he answers.

He is being ridiculous. Of course you should know what’s going on.

I have an ex-H like this. Constantly changes plans, lets DC down, promises holidays and then doesn't deliver.

Sadly, I have not found any solution that works in the last 15 years - in the sense of forcing him to make good on his promises. I took advice on here and tried every different tactic and couldn't get any to work.

So, I focused on my relationship with the DC and mitigating his damage. In your situation, I would be clear with the DC that you don't know if they are going skiing or not, as Daddy has yet to let you know. This is an honest statement from you that lets them know that there is uncertainty. You could also tell them, that you will get their ski gear out of the cupboards, just in case, but they may not need it - again clear message from you that you are not sure what is happening.

I also just carried on with my own plans, if there was any uncertainty and so would book to do stuff with the DC, if he was being vague and then he'd have to work around my plans, not me around his. I didn't speak to him on the phone, so I had a trail of emails or texts as back up. So, an example would be:

HIM: Margo, not sure I can take the DC away this week now, will probably have them for just a few days.
ME: Which days?
HIM: Don't know yet.
ME: OK, I've given the aupair the week off now, as you said you were having them. They'll be disappointed if they aren't going skiing with you, so I've booked them to go dry skiing with me on Thursday and a theatre trip on Friday. The rest of the week is all yours.
HIM: massive pissed off ranting, which I completely ignored.

I’d say I’ll drop them off tomorrow , if I don’t hear by 4pm tonight hey won’t have ski gear so you’ll have to buy/ hire it if they are skiing after all. I’m sure they’d love it if you upgraded their gear!

Margo I am in completely the same position. He turns up late, forgets he's made plans with them and changes things last minute. I used to get emotional about it (mainly disappointed to be honest) but now I just down play that with the kids. My 11 year old is just sick of not having information. His friends all ask him what he's doing for half term and he is annoyed at having to reply with 'I don't know' or 'I might be doing x or I might be doing y'.

Will try and ring him again although I generally text so I have it written down too. And after 5 years I can't see this changing either!

surlycurly, mine are 18 and just shy of 16 and they think their Dad is a mahoosive arse. I never had to say a word, they worked it out all by themselves - just like your 11yr old has.

I tried dropping them off at his too but the fucker wouldn't be there, or wouldn't open the door - and you can hardly leave toddlers or young children on the doorstep in central London.

I used to get so disappointed too and feel a burning rage at my impotence, so after years of trying to make it work and be fair for the DC, it was just best to blaze ahead regardless and he just had to work around me - I think I'd have gone nuts otherwise.

He's now responded and said he's still not decided what they're doing. Wants them to bring their ski gear just in case

Glad you got a response, even if it isn't helpful for the DC.

He'll be lucky to get a ski holiday over half-term now - even for a few days.

I think he's taking them to Norway so they'll need their gear even if they're not skiing. But I know for a fact he's not booked anything, including flights. I'm sick of this.

I hope the 11 year old feels able to tell him how this makes them feel.

The older child (14) has broached this numerous times to no avail. My younger one doesn't bother as he's seen his sister be hurt by the lack of recognition of her feelings. He just vents at me. It's all rather sad actually.

The only feelings that matter with narc dads are their own. My ex couldn't give a toss what the DC feel or ever felt. If they ever said that they felt annoyed, unhappy, disappointed etc etc, he'd tell them that they were spoilt and selfish and had clearly been over-indulged by their mother!

He blames my parenting whenever they confront him! He is a classic narcissist and was hugely draining to live with. I don't engage with him much now but we always have these flare up around holidays when he changes his mind last minute. He's going to drop them off on Tuesday evening so I'll make sure the rest of their week is nice.

What an ass.. I am sorry for all of you that you have to deal with this.

This is not at all a 'non problem'.. It would make me furious and anxious.

Ditto surlycurly. These difficult characters don't get any easier to deal with just because you divorce them - if anything I think they get worse.

I am pretty much zero comms with my ex these days but my DC are a few years older than yours. They see him every few Saturdays for a few hours and that's about it. They haven't been on holiday with him for about 6 years now. He fights me for every penny, even though he is loaded. He loves to criticise and have a dig about me too, but the DC won't have any of it. They see him exactly for what he is and are really great for me - it is a huge consolation.

Thanks for the posts- I appreciate it. You'll know that there is no sense of victory in the children seeing him for what he is, no matter how vindicated it may make me feel. The fact that they're hurt, and I'm constantly waiting for information from him, makes the whole thing feel like he's still controlling us. I look forward to opting out completely as they get older.

And don't start me on the money situation

Big hug to you. It is tough all the way. Just focus on you and the DC, because that is all you can control.

Thank you!

What a pain in the arse he is. Totally unfair to you and the dc. How can he do that to his own children? They will lose any respect they have for him fast if he doesn’t alter his ways.

Had a similar dad - my mum divorced him when brothers and I were ages 7, 5 and 3. She always highlighted his good qualities (he's so generous, he's so kind) however we realised by early teens he was a dick and never let him say a word against our mum. Your kids will realise one day too, even if they can't understand right now

Wow, he sounds so annoying! Your poor kids. Tell him they are to stay with him for the full week, whatever they end up doing. Or suspect his 'being busy at work' is 'spending time with new fiancé'.