AIBU to tell DH how to behave with DD

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Feel guilty even writing this, but I’m at my wits end and need advice whether to push the issue or try to let it go…

DH and I have DD1 3 and DD2 6m. DH is very much the fun parent, likes joking and playing with the girls, which is fine as I’m more the calm, reading stories, crafting type whereas he will take DD1 swimming, out on her bike for “adventures” etc. Also, like most Dads I guess, he loooooves to aggravate them. Especially DD1.

That’s the first “issue” I wanted advice on. It drives me mad when he aggravates her constantly. Small examples are tickling, forcing bear hugs or tipping her upside down, squishing her cheeks, and shadowing her around… If she shows him something she’s made for instance he will straight away say something like “oh this is for me! (snatch)” or “oooh I love blue! (its yellow)” “Mmm food, I’m going to eat it! (pretend eating, and her screaming no!)”. She can take this if she’s in the mood, but today at 6.15 neither of us were in the mood TBH! She whinged at him to leave her alone and he just finds her little whingey protest voice funny and kept on.

The second “issue” is that ever since DD1 was born he has spoken to them both in a jokey daft, mock childish voice… think somewhere between Mickey mouse and Beaker from the Muppets… My three problems with this are its fucking annoying especially at daft o’clock, it’s not helping her to learn proper speech, and now she is older, she wants to have nice conversations with us like telling us about her day or friends like a big girl, but he won’t give her that interaction cos he’s pissing around in a daft voice.

I have approached it very gently with him, saying I know I can’t tell him what to do or how to interact with his daughters but that this was perhaps something he might want to change now DD1 is getting older and wants a different, more grown up interaction with us. When DD1 gets stressed out with him, it puts her in a bad mood and gets her day off on the wrong foot, which he can’t see cos he leaves for work.

He says I’m BU, that he is doing nothing wrong, that it’s me who doesn’t like it, not DD1 and that by showing my irritation I’m teaching her to find him annoying cos she mirrors me. DD2 isn’t an issue cos she loves it and can’t talk etc anyway.

AIBU to tell him to bloody pack it in? I really don’t want to make it into a problem when he is a great, involved, caring, loving dad… but if I keep biting my tongue I’m afraid one day I might blow up at him….

How does he interact with DD1 when he's (e.g.) taking her out on her bike or taking her swimming? I'm guessing (and it's just a guess) that he talks to her normally then, and doesn't do the daft voices etc. Not that the voices, pretending to snatch her food etc aren't annoying - but if they're just part of the way he interacts with her, that's a bit different from it being like that all the time.

I get that it's monstrously annoying, though. My XH was essentially horrible and critical (so unlike yours), but then he would also do the tickling, pretending to grab their food, doing stuff that nobody else found funny etc. It used to piss me right off.

As for little silly voice and aggravant her just before HE leaves for work... I suspect he wouldnt do that if he was in charge of two dcs on his own.
Im afraid my answer to that is to leave him with the dcs in his own on a regular basis.
Oh with, of course, also the need to tidy the house, out the washing to go etc.....

I’m pretty sure he will drop the silly voice quickly.

DH failed to make the transition as a fun awesome daddy to a toddler into a fun awesome daddy to a young child. It meant DC1 drifted away from him in small increments because they just couldn't deal with his OTT manner in anything other than little doses.

He had the epiphany when they were 6/7 that he was no longer the fun parent but the annoying one and DC1 kept him at arms length.

He's doing much better with DC2. Sadly he's not the kind of person you can influence into changing, he has to see it for himself for change to happen. Thankfully, since the epiphany he's pulled out all the stops to try and grow as a parent as DC1 grows as a child.

Next chapter is pre-teen. I can't say I'm looking forward to that one!

This would do my head in. He sounds like he's trying to be their big brother.
My granddad used to think it was fun to tickle me to the point it hurt (twiddling kneecaps etc ffs) or I would almost wee myself. I hated it and would actively avoid physical contact with him.

“Also, like most Dads I guess, he loooooves to aggravate them.”

Nah. Not standard round these parts. He sounds really irritating.

What on earth are you basing your conclusion that he's going to have a great relationship with his daughters on upsideup The forced bear hugs, turning her upside down and tickling? The refusing to stop when she's screaming no, the snatching her pictures from her or the refusal to ever take her seriously no matter what she wants to talk about?

My STBXH did this. No effort at all to adapt to the changing needs of our DDs. It is one of the reasons why he is STBX and why DDs do not want contact. Your H needs to learn when it's funny and when it isn't and he nerds to respect his DD's boundaries. Starting now. This is not ok and YANBU.

Yeah, my dad thought tickling me and blowing down my ear was hilarious, even after I'd told him I hated it and wanted it to stop. The exchange usually went, "Stop it Dad, I hate it." "I know, that's why I do it! Ha ha ha ha!"

Needless to say, if you did anything that HE didn't like....

Fuck you, Dad.

God that sounds annoying.

Do it to him. All the time. And see how he likes it.

I was your DD. My father and much older brother used to ‘play’ with me like that, rough tickling, constant teasing, always mocking. I hated it and it still makes me angry now. I felt powerless and constantly attacked. If I complained or got angry (which was what usually happened) I was then called a bad sport and ‘told off’.

This sort of thing is now being used as an example of how to teach your children about consent and body autonomy. Your husband is teaching them that they are bad ports for not allowing a stronger man to handle them how he wants to whether they enjoy that or not.

It would totally puss me off in your shoes and I would be having words with him but he’s not going to take those words at all well. Sorry OP. Good luck.

My dh was like this when dd was little. He’s not an early riser but used to wind her up like a spring during or just before the bed time routine then bugger off downstairs leaving me to deal with an overexcited bundle of fun, who now didn’t want to go to bed. He also sometimes didn’t respect her boundaries - saying no/stop when tickling for example.

I had a few very frank, discussions with him, especially about pissing around when she’s saying no as he struggled to correlate the saying no now with saying no in the future. I get it is very hard for parents, possibly especially men, to understand that their cutie 2 yo will one day be 12/13/14 or older and be in a position where you want them to be assertive enough to say a very clear NO to sex, drugs, drink or anything else they do not wish to participate in.

A couple of months ago, dh pinged dds knickers (9) when she was getting ready for bed and I told him no, what’s inside her pants is private. At her age he really has no business doing this. He was just joking around, I know and he has a silly sense of humour. However, dd will shortly be going to secondary school and she needs to know others fiddling with her pants is not ok.

Geekyblinders
Having grown up as a girl, I think there are more circumstances where girls have to say no. However, boys boundaries are equally important to respect. Not just because they should be. But also because if they themselves are not respected, they certainly won’t know how to respect others. In an age, where no means no in sex, where it may be assumed a woman was raped because she was too drunk even if it the man thought she consented and the onus is on the man to definitively ascertain that the girl is not underage, either for sex or exchange of naked or semi naked photos, your dh is toeing a very dangerous line.

Your husband is teaching them that they are bad ports for not allowing a stronger man to handle them how he wants to whether they enjoy that or not.

Yes. Do you think he'd do it if he had a son?

SnotGoblin
My brother used to do it to me. My father more did it to him. However, my brother also used to go way beyond this. Pinning me down. Keeping hold of one arm while he threw me around like a rag doll, lying on top of me so I couldn’t breathe, suffocating me, preventing me from leaving a room. He then progressed to demeaning sexualised name calling and non contact sexual abuse. Although the latter was far less frequent than the rest but continued to the end of his teens and perhaps a little beyond.

But hey, all that boundaries psycho babble is no good eh!

Men who provoke children for their own gratification and self-aggrandisement make me want to puke. They do it because they can - because it gives them a sense of power. They would not do it to an adult (I hope).

Nip this in the bud.

He's a bully.

Shouldn't we all be teaching our children that a game is only fun is everyone is enjoying it? If he was a child at nursery or primary school and went around forcing physical contact on other children, deliberately upsetting them and snatching their food and toys away, it wouldn't be acceptable and rightly so.

The fact that he's an adult and her father means he really should know better and should be modelling good behaviour to his kids...not overriding their needs and wants in favour of his own.

I am really not against having fun and being silly with your kids. I love a cheek squidge and doing silly voices and songs as much as the next person but it's just not fun if you are pissing everyone around you off by doing it.

'mock childish voice… think somewhere between Mickey mouse and Beaker from the Muppets… '

How on Earth do you cope

It's making me twitch just reading

He's teaching her that it's not up to her what happens to her body.

He sounds awful - it doesn't sound "fun" or "joking" if he is upsetting her. You need to ensure that DD is allowed to have boundaries.

When DD1 was little (18-24 months) the DH of a friend was like this. He would snatch toys to make the babies cry and not just his child but he would do the same to other visiting children. He would also grab and tickle even if they didn't like it. If anyone called him on his behaviour he would do this pouty "just joking"! DD has ASD and found going there too stressful not knowing if she would be grabbed or her toys snatched - so we stopped going. A lot of their friends with kids stopped going. They divorced when their child was 3.

Id parrot his stupid baby voice back at him.

I think it's a bit strong to say he's a bully or a bad parent. My DH can be like this with my DD (2) who is very stroppy strong willed. Sometimes she'll love to have the rough and tumble/ wind up play but other times she's not in the mood and tells him no, but DH insists on doing it anyway. And then we have her kicking off. I have to sometimes remind him when enough is enough. It seems to be worst when he gets home from work. I'm forever saying 'please don't wind her up' as I've probably had enough of her moaning for one day and can't stand him deliberately aggravating her. It's like having 2 children!

"other times she's not in the mood and tells him no, but DH insists on doing it anyway."

How is that not being a bully or a bad parent?

Its sounds like he is going to have a great relationship with his children when they grow up he plays with them and jokes with them rather than just telling them off and feeding them.
YABU to tell him to change, he sounds like he adores his children and they are safe and happy.

No. It's sounds like he hasn't grown up and wants to be a mate not a parent.
He doesn't respect their boundaries and he doesn't listen to them.

Nor do they sound happy.

He needs to buck his ideas up.

OP, I would suggest showing this thread to your DH.

He needs a good think about this - and, if he is 'aware' enough to use arguments such as 'DD 'mirrors' you' - then he's perfectly capable of catching on.

This is bloody awful parenting, for all the reasons said above. Your DD clearly already finds him stressful to deal with. I feel really sorry for her - from her perspective, he must be an unpredictable nightmare. It will impinge on ALL family relationships and her personality overall - not just the relationship between him and her.

I too have a friend whose ex-DH was like this with their boys. Note ex. They too have a very, very strained relationship with their father. Their mum got them counselling post-divorce and the fact that they found Daddy 'mean' to them came up repeatedly. He could not accept it - to him, he was joshing, playing, being 'laddish' - to them, he was a laughing bully.

Show him this thread!