My Mum told me I must feel I've failed as a mother.

[overthetop2]

I'm feeling guilty because I feel I dislike my Mum. She is spiteful.

On the phone the other day I made the mistake of talking about how my DD is unaffectionate and stand-offish with me. She also does not allow me to join in with games. I'm not worried, it's just her personality, and I think I was similar when I was young. My DS is not like this.

So my Mum responds "You must feel as if you've failed as a mother". Is this bad or am I over-reacting to be annoyed by this?

This is just the latest in a string of insults she has thrown at me - usually name-calling: I'm selfish, spoilt, greedy, etc. I know those accusations have no basis (my DH just laughs as I am none of those things).

She is the kind of person you can't show any weakness or insecurity to, because she will use that information to taunt you. I can't talk to her about good things that happen to my family, because she is not happy for us, and I can't discuss any difficulties we have either.

I just pretend that none of this bothers me - it's the easiest thing to do because.....1. she is trying to get a rise out of me, probably to start an argument, 2. she would turn it around and accuse me of being paranoid and imagining that she's insulting me ("there is something wrong with you") or 3. she would blatantly lie and pretend she said something else or make up something I supposedly said.

Welcomehome - It's not nice, is it. I just keep thinking 'why??'. Why would a mother want to pull their own daughter down. I don't get it.

I was told the same by my mother when I got divorced.

I have spent the last many years shouting to the world that divorce was the most difficult decision in my life and the one that I am most proud of. That the years since the divorce have been difficult but the happiest of my life: I have loved and being loved in a way that I never thought possible (she thinks I’m a slut)

I take great delight in talking about this publicly as I know that embarrass her.

We are even now, we don’t respect each other’s decisions but she knows now she cannot judge me freely and expect I would take it laying down so, she is more reserved about her opinions nowadays.

I hope you can find a way to keep your mother from hurting you without resorting to going NC but if it comes to it, it is not that bad.

have you thought about joining the Stately Homes thread?

Wow is that still going? I commented on there at least a year ago. Must be huge.

I can think of three ways she could have intended that. Her tone of voice and your history with her would tell you which it is:

1. She is intending to commiserate with you about how hard it can be to be a mother.

1. She's insulting you and saying you are a bad mother.

1. She's being sarcastic and making a joke.

Given her history with you, she probably was insulting you and trying to get a rise out of you.

Geekymommy - I think her comments are intended to disrupt my happiness, make me question myself or feel bad about myself. She wants to cause me a bit of unhappiness, probably because she does not feel happy, and my life looks good.

Op you could have said, 'well mum that is very spiteful and unkind, ml am sure you did not mean to be so unsupportive'

Call her out bluntly every time, at best she will realise what a bitch she is being, at worst she will have to face her comments thrown back at her.

So sorry Op, please shrug it off and listen to your DH

'I suppose you can really empathise with that' is what I'd be tempted to say next time it comes up.

Why let it go unchallenged? Ask her why she is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Or just don't spend time with her. But either way, you don't just have to soak this up.

"Why would a mother want to pull their own daughter down."
Because she's dysfunctional - quite possibly brought up in a dysfunctional environment herself?

You could try a technique called "Grey Rock" - here's a link that might be useful lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au/how-to-use-the-grey-rock-method-for-toxic-behaviours/

one person has failed in mothering during that conversation. it wasn't you.

I wouldn't be talking to this person that says ure she ure mum why have such negative people in u're life cut her out she's poison Thaf u don't need she knew what she was saying to u and did so on purpose if u say u can't share happy or sad news and have nothing to talk about u don't trust her and ure done with but u won't cut the cord with this woman it won't get better

There is someone very similar to your Mum in my family.

I honestly don’t know how her offspring put up with her. I only speak to her now if it’s absolutely necessary, and even that’s a chore. She is absolutely spiteful to the core, and I cannot deal with her nasty and insensitive opinions on everyone and everything. She is jealous, two-faced, vindictive, xenophobic, and generally thinks her shit doesn’t stink. She is also manipulative and a liar, who shit stirs all the time.

If I was her son or daughter, I’d have given her an ultimatum a very long time ago. I just wouldn’t put up with her behaviour.

What. A. Bitch

Ignore everything she says

Is she not transferring how she is feeling about herself on to you?
It is an odd comment to make and quite harsh and without the thought of consequences. I would just let it go and don't open up too much of your inner self to her.

Ouch, but it speaks more about your mum than it does you. My own mum I would have dropped like a hot rock if she was a friend as she can just be so mean. I've come to realise she is very insecure and gets a kick out of playing the victim when she goes too far with her judgey remarks. I can't fix her so my way of dealing with it is to 'grey rock' - no information that can be used against me and no responding to baiting. I just respond as if she said what I would expect a normal person to say in this situation e.g. 'It is hard that DD isn't so into cuddles but all children are different' and then move on. My mum seems to get bored of trying to upset me if I keep it up and don't offer any 'sport'. Good luck and it isn't about you, it's her!

Laserbird. - My thoughts exactly. I've realised I need to deal with it by responding in a matter-of-fact way. "No, it's just her personality". I think she wants to rile me and she would be 'winning' if I showed it upset or stressed me out. She often uses me as a reflection of herself in this way. If your brain is not wired like that, it's hard to understand why someone would accuse you of being the things they feel they are themselves. Perhaps its because she can't look at herself critically, so she just deflects it (she is highly sensitive to any criticism and everything is everyone else's fault). My mum also plays the victim. If things get heated she will thrown insults, tantrum and then start to cry, saying it was my fault she had an outburst because of xyz (usually lies). This is why I can't confront her about it or point out her behaviour - she will twist it her way.

Thank you for the Grey Rock references. I have just read about it and it looks good. I realise I actually started doing most of it about a year-so-or ago, but it's also given me a few more ideas/techniques.

Nc with an abusive dm is fantastic.
Definitely recommend it.