To ask why women financially dependent on men are viewed as morally superior to those dependent on the state?!

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Just that really, my experience and something I see everywhere.
Having a baby on benefits? Irresponsible. Single mums? A drain on society raising kids without fathers who are growing up to be uncontrollable. A government document citing such women as raising the 'psychopaths of the future'. Women to blame for a cycle of poverty which never ends.
What scroungers. Lack of morals. Less so than married women whose husbands work. Why?
Why are women in relationships where men provide financially known as SAHMs but single mums are just that. Implying thay staying at home is only a morally acceptable choice if you have a partner. The single parents are pushed to find work by baby aged 2. Housework for them isnt seen as work at all but sitting on their arses all day.

Instead of the moral segregation of women based on their relationship status why can we not view their lives as equal in the case of any woman whom cannot be financially independent in their own right, and start to look at how more women can become independent of both men and the welfare state?
And to stop double standards as if mums hide what money they have in order to claim money for their kids they are done for benefit fraud.
If men do it by hiding capital in court for maintenence or divorce, the woman is still gets judged for having to live off benefits whilst men get off scot free and go on to impregnate more whomen whom may or may not stay together. Worse, imo, the judgement of women recieving welfare assistance is doubled if there are more than one father, the children are mixed race, the more children there are or the fact the woman dares to have a sexual relationship with another partner whom she cannot afford to live with because most men cannot or won't take financial responsibility for children who aren't theirs just because they love their mum. And why should they?
As it happens I had babies on benefits and have fucking grafted to get to where I am. I work equally hard as I did then but in a totally different way. Yet the difference in how I am treated is astounding.
AIBU to ask for your views on this and what can we do to change it?

Nobody can foresee violence no matter how wisely you marry

Wow pet id say the bitterness is yours.
I have not criticised any married woman who is a SAHM on the grojnds theyvare a SAHM. I have criticised the social judgement of women reliant on benefits when in both situations it is dependence.
The point has been made that the best scenario is where women and man plan for one to work and one not to.
Is planned the key word? Are single parents more likely to be impulsive and fuck the consequences?
Impulsivity is a characteristic of many mental illnesses. BPD. Bipolar. So, some women on benefits are more likely in that argument, to have a mental illness. Do we resent mentally ill people recieving benefits, or just those who are mothers?

I went from woman in relationship working full time with one child to single woman with two children and a disability pretty much overnight.

I had no choice but to quit work. It's hard being on benefits, it's hard being judged for being a single parent especially when you are actually the parent looking after the kids and doing it all on your own while the father has just fucked off and left you to deal with it all.

Let's actually sit up and realise that no matter who is funding the mum, they are actually still there, being a PARENT! Unlike the absent parent, the one who battered the mum/cheated/left and is now an occasional Disney dad when he can be bothered.

Let's remember that it's the mum who is dealing with all of this shit on her own, that she's juggling the kids and the house and all the money problems with no back up. She has no one to help her and all she gets is judged for having kids which the 'taxpayer is paying for'.

Fucking hell. Some of you need to wake up. It could be you one day. I don't care how much you think your DH would never leave/hit you/cheat or how much insurance you think you have to cover illness or accident or how much savings you have. Nothing is bullet proof in life so stop judging single parents who 9/10 really didn't want to be single parents.

I judge men who don’t support their children financially.

I judge entitled people who assume the state will provide for them and subsidise their life decisions. Male or female.

I suppose you could say I married "wisely" Ivebeenaroundtheblock

My dh earns an OK amount, is great with dd, does his fair share around the house etc...

I could smugly congratulate myself on being "wise" but if I'm really honest with myself, it probably has more to do with luck than wisdom.
My younger self was a bit of a twat (as most of us were when young). Luckily, I ended up falling in love and settling down with someone who turned out to be great - you don't always know that for sure until a few years down the line.
Wealthy men can go bankrupt, or become abusive after their wife becomes pregnant, or be crafty with the finances and leave her high and dry when he finds someone else....

It shitty to make blanket judgements about married SAHMs.
Its shitty to make blanket judgements about single mothers.

Op - more or less every woman I know was a teacher, accountant, lawyer or whatever before they made the CHOICE to become a SAHM. Sorry to shout, but how can you possibly compare a husband to state benefits?

A husband has made a commitment to you. You have given birth to his children. He loves you. You are his family.

If I try and think about divorced women I know in this part of London, I can only come up with one. Her DH had an affair and yes, left her with three children. But she hardly went on benefits as a result. She was entitled to half of his assets - probably totalling £3 million. She still lives in the house, also worth s few million. He still pays the school fees for the 3 boys. She still hasn't gone back to work 2 years later because there is no rush, but she used to be an accountant and is setting about updating her skills. She'll get there. She also has s new partner.

He meanwhile has split with the OW and seems to be having a breakdown.

All women I know who are SAHMs - they didn't just fall into it through a lack of other options. We know the score if the marriage fails. Do you think I would jeopardise my children's future? Would I have given up my financial independence unless there was a very good reason? Yes men can hide money if they're that way inclined - but they can't hide all of it. And I know that under no circumstances would my DH stop funding his DC. That simply would never happen.

I judge entitled people who assume the state will provide for them and subsidise their life decisions. Male or female.

I'm sorry to keep harping on this point, but this is - in actual economic terms - most people....

Nomud in which case your taxes dont go near paying for anyone elses choices. So no need to worry. I have a disability too.

Women at home do the same thing. One lives with a man who pays for everything. One lives alone where a man refuses to pay. Why is the latter the morally inferior?

Neither is morally inferior IMHO and it is interesting that some posters think it is so morally inferior that it goes without needing any further explanation. That says a lot about their perspective.

Children need to be provided for and cared for, I personally believe that we should live in a culture that supports women and men to equally take an active economic and child rearing interest in their children’s lives. That means facilitating a much more reasonable working week and a recognition of fathers taking a more active role in parenting and domestic life.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock
Some women marry wisely.
Some women contribute to the financial well being of the family in ways other than paid employment.
And yes, marrying someone wealthy is wise

I CANNOT BELIEVE that attitude. You know what . . . some of us earn our own money, put our children through school and uni and don't need a bloody bloke to pay for it. We pay for it ourselves. And we have pride that we do it ourselves and don't use men in that way. You disgust me.

Grandparent care doesn't necessarily = woman depending on her own mother. Firstly because there are three other grandparents and some of them do childcare. And secondly in that scenario, the children have a father who, if unavailable to do the childcare himself, is also relying on the grandparent, just as much as the mother. Unless he's dead I suppose. No less accurate to characterise the father as the one doing the relying while the mother doesn't need mentioning in childcare discussions.

@Primarkismyonlyoption you are quite deluded ( and you also make quite a few assumptions which i wont even go there with ).

I agree with you there yellow
Can someone explain how i quote please?!

No less accurate to characterise the father as the one doing the relying while the mother doesn't need mentioning in childcare discussions.

That's fair. I suppose I was trying to make the point that "working" does not necessarily (or even usually) equal "independence", either of others or the state.

nomud dont believe i am deluded could you share what i have assumed please?

Even those who don't pay as much tax into the system as they take out over their lifetime are still supporting the economy, NataliaOsipova
It would be impossible for most of those on ultra high wages to make their money without a functioning economy.
Our contribution to society is far more complicated than what we pay in tax.
It is not so simple as to assume that the majority of taxpayers are living off very high rate tax payers - we are all living off each other, to some extent.

we are all living off each other, to some extent.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on that, squishysquirmy. Which is why all this faux moral superiority is just.....well....total bollocks.

Women are supposed to catch and keep their man. (Vomit).

Single mothers have "failed" to do the thing that socially we are expected to do. So they get vilified. It's all part of patriarchal shite. Women judging those women make me puke.

I don't think Natalia is suggesting that people shouldn't pay their taxes. I think she's making the point that almost all of us are dependent on the public purse, whether that takes the form of benefits or not, and we should therefore not get on our mile high horses about it.

Some women marry wisely

Ah for the want of a crystal ball, eh?!

It’s a woman’s fault if a relationship breaks down? She should have chosen better/tried harder/lost the baby weight/gone back to work/not gone back to work...

And all the time we blame women for men’s poor behaviour, what happens?

The man doesn't pay double the taxes though does he. So she's not directly taking but isn't herself paying for healthcare etc.

Interchange man / woman ... How are SAHD viewed?

Glitterati you said it. You were lucky. All husbands do not commit. They do not all love their wives.
Do some of you never read the relationship boards?
And no matter how fantastic the former role if a SAHM, once she has children if her marriage breaks down, she may well not be able to find independence.
The people with strong marriages AND family support with childcare are exceptionally lucky in terms of financial protection. But those things can change.

Interchange man / woman ... How are SAHD viewed?

Poorly, I think, but for different reasons.

Women have told everyone to fuck off

Did you all not see this earlier on.

I have no issues whatsoever with a single stay at home mum (or dad!) who found themselves on hard times (ie DP left, won't pay, insert any other scenario here) claiming benefits and my taxes supporting them and their family.

What I do object to is those who are already living off the tax payer then choosing to have more children. If you can't support what you have already fine, but for God's sake don't have more