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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Constantly told not to spend so much on presents, WWYD?

24 replies

DigestiveBiscuitTea · 06/02/2018 12:37

Odd situation in that my DH (mid 20s) has cousins who are 11, 6 and 2. The youngest being the same age as my DD.

MIL looks after my DD once a week and takes her up to see these children. The older two girls adore DD; get her glasses of water when she asks, help with nappy changes (DD still in nappies at 2.8 due to a medical issue), and help her play on the equipment in their garden. If I ever see the oldest on her way home from school (year 6) she'll tell me she loves DD, and is so happy that I allow her aunt to take DD over. The 2 year old isn't really bothered by DD, but he doesn't dislike her (he's not really bothered by his sisters either though Grin)

So as I know they like her so much, I buy them Christmas and Birthday presents. I try and find things I think they'll like based on their interests. I'd say I spend £25 each at Christmas and maybe £30-40 on birthdays.

It was the 11 year olds birthday yesterday so I took her present up after school. She was really grateful, said thanks and gave DD a hug (DDs at the age where she likes handing things over herself).

But afterwards, I got a lecture from DHs Grandmother about spending so much money on the children. The same happened at Christmas and at the 6 years old birthday in November. Apparently they're not my children, and I don't need to even get them a present - yes but they are my DDs/DHs cousins!

I've asked MIL about it and apparently the GM likes to be the one to spend the most money on the children, but that the childrens mother likes the fact they have a cousin close enough in age for them to be close to (even if that is once removed) as SIL and DH are both in their 20s now and their only cousins.

I don't want to spend less really as I spend £10-15 on DDs friends birthdays, and I don't want family to be seen as less important, plus DD doesn't have any siblings and is unlikely to have actual first cousins for a long while so want to encourage this relationship.

WWYD stop sending presents or carry on? It's the 2 years olds 3rd birthday next week, so I already have a present for him, what do I do with that?

OP posts:
Afreshcuppateaplease · 06/02/2018 12:40

I would mention to the dcs mum and see what she thinks

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/02/2018 12:41

Give it to him. I would carry on doing what you want - it isn't the situation where they are embarrassed not be able to reciprocate. Their gm needs to get over herself!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 06/02/2018 12:42

Ignore her. You like buying the presents, they like receiving them. The parents haven't complained. If Grandmother wants to be Lady Bountiful she needs to spend more.

OuchBollocks · 06/02/2018 12:44

Get your DH to tell his GM to stop sticking her nosey beak in where it isn't needed.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 06/02/2018 12:47

I'd be guided by the children's parents. To be honest, I wouldn't want you spending so much on my children as I'd feel obliged to reciprocate

Be careful you don't start a bidding war. The GM might increase her budget if she feels you're stealing her thunder

MatildaTheCat · 06/02/2018 12:50

Spending £30-40 on a 3 year old seems more extravagant than on an 11 year old as toys and clothes do get much more expensive.

I sort of see their point of view that you may be seen to be outdoing them even if you have the best intentions. Better to get a cheaper but really well chosen gift then everyone is happy.

Lucky you to have such a happy set up.

Original poster
DigestiveBiscuitTea · 06/02/2018 12:51

I don't expect DHs aunt to reciprocate we don't give to receive, I give because I like giving presents, plus we can afford it.

I'm not going to go up against the GM, if she wants to increase how much she spends that's her prerogative/money to spend. I spend what we can afford to spend, or what I want to spend, and try and spend roughly the same on all 3.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 06/02/2018 12:55

I don't expect DHs aunt to reciprocate we don't give to receive, I give because I like giving presents, plus we can afford it

Yes, I accept all well intentioned on your part, and that's very kind of you, but please understand that many people prefer gifts to be mutual, not one sided

OuchBollocks · 06/02/2018 12:58

Yeah but it isn't the recipients' parents who have objected. Its some random third party.

Original poster
DigestiveBiscuitTea · 06/02/2018 13:00

All The GM buys for DH and DD, she also usually buys me a small token gift for both birthday and Christmases. The aunt buys on DDs birthday and buys for DH at Christmas (but not his birthday as it's just before Christmas) but I don't care how much they spend or even if.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/02/2018 13:00

It's none of the grandmother's business.

steppemum · 06/02/2018 13:03

Does the cousin buy your dd presents and if so how much do they spend?

That coudl be the core, that they find that they cannot afford to reciprocate.

Also, familes spend different amounts, to me, £30-40 for a birthday is what my Mum spends on my kids, and it would feel like a lot coming from a cousin. But other families spend more, so I woudl be guided by the familiy spending.

SnippitySnappity · 06/02/2018 13:04

the only thing that would worry me is that you're embarrassing the mum - i'd try and suss that out. I've had family members who'd rather have not had the presents because they can't afford to reciprocate (and others who weren't at all bothered).

Original poster
DigestiveBiscuitTea · 06/02/2018 13:05

Step I have no idea how much they spent on DDs birthday present. I find it rude to go typing presents into google to find the price. But they don't always buy for her.

My mum spends £50-70 on birthdays and christmas for DD, MIL spends similar. We spend anywhere between £100-200 depending on what she wants/needs.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:14

just ignore, she's thinking of herself, not these lovely sounding kids.

as long as the mum's ok with it, that's all that matters

smile and wave.

RedSkyAtNight · 06/02/2018 13:16

How well off are GM and the children's parents? It may be that a £30-40 gift is embarrassing because they aren't able to afford that much themselves.

(DD's GM just sent her a cheque of £25 for her birthday; she would be mortified if some "lesser" relation was spending more money on DD - and she can't afford to spend more, so can't "up her game" as suggested by posters on here Hmm )

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 13:23

You need to tackle the grandmother. A short, sharp "Well, it's my money and my choice to spend it on them" and refusal to engage further should do it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2018 13:24

Wow RedSky. That was pretty angry “lesser relation”. It’s not about the grandmother. And it’s certainly not a competition.

BashStreetKid · 06/02/2018 13:28

£40 seems a little OTT for children who aren't even first cousins. Why does it matter if you spend less on friends, they will never find out?

NotReadyToMove · 06/02/2018 13:39

The GM buys for DH and DD, she also usually buys me a small token gift for both birthday and Christmases.
That stands out for me. I suspect the GM still doesn’t quite see you as part of the family, hence the token present to you and being uncomfortable to see you give the child something bigger.
Because it puts HER in the situation where herbtoken gift isn’t acceptable anymore.

I would have a word with the mum. Explain what you have told us re the great relationhsip between the couais. And see what she thinks re the GM being uncomfortable.
I also suspect that if it was your DH giving the gift, the reaction would be different.

SweetMoon · 06/02/2018 13:41

That is a lot of money to spend on each of them. Could mil be speaking more on behalf of the mum who is too embarrased to tell you to stop doing it! Maybe next time still get them a present but tone it down a bit?

NotReadyToMove · 06/02/2018 13:42

Fwiw I also notice that the aunt doesn’t buy for you either...

I dint like the idea of a ‘lesser’ relationhsip but if they do give present to husband/wife of other siblings, I would want to know why it’s not the case for you too....

Original poster
DigestiveBiscuitTea · 06/02/2018 13:49

SIL doesn't have a boyfriend/partner so they don't have to buy for him/her. Just me. And obviously the cousins are too young to have partners to buy for.

I'm not in the least bit bothered if I get a gift or not, my mum only buys a token gift for DH but doesn't see him any less of member of the family.

Not privy to GM finances, but would guess she can't struggling. She recently bought a new kitchen outright (or so she says) and GF says they paid their mortgage off 8 years ago (they're in there 70s) when he retired.

Aunt has never said she's unhappy with the gifts, but will ask MIL again, as I don't know the aunt well myself and only see her at famil occasions/Christmas as MIL takes DD to the aunts house without me/DH.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 06/02/2018 13:58

As long as the parents of the children aren't feeling awkward (could you budget be more than theirs?) it doesn't matter. I would ask them.

You obviously love giving, but if they ask for smaller gifts, enjoy the hunt for gifts on a smaller budget- you will still find lovely, thoughtful presents.

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