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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still find it difficult DP isn’t ‘perfect’

49 replies

Moananaom · 05/02/2018 22:31

No ones perfect I get that. But does anyone else absolutely love and adore their BF/DP/DH but wish they did more?

My example being my DP is an amazing selfless man but sometimes I wish he’d get me a card on special occasion with a meaningful message as opposed to a gift, or be more affectionate.

Some men just aren’t Prince Charming no matter how much we love them but please tell me I’m not alone in wishing my Dp did some of these things. I’d never want to leave him over it. But still..

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 05/02/2018 23:20

No one is perfect and if someone tells you their relationship is, ime they are either deluded or lying.

So, you have every right to wish your dh did something he doesn’t, but don’t dwell on it. Try to thibk of the lovely things he does do, rather the few things he doesn’t.

hollowtree · 05/02/2018 23:22

OK... let me start by saying I know what you mean. But:

My first engagement was to a tall, handsome Irishman, talked like an angel and said the right thing all the time. Romantic gestures, talked to me all the time, listened to me, complimented me.

But... he couldn't hold down a job, drank his bodyweight in beer everyday and got me into about 6k of debt including cash that he stole from me the day he walked out. For a year my life was ruined.

My DH barely talks, though he does listen. He is the least romantic person I know. For our wedding speech, he stood up and said "I don't know what to say" and sat back down. I made his speech on the spot for him where I thanked the guests and myself!

But he knows in an instant when I've had a bad day. He remembers the things he knows I'll forget. He's the most heart-meltingly wonderful father and I'll never need to have my own back again because he does it for me.

The most scared I have ever been was on the operating theatre during my EMCS, I thought we were both going to die there. He stood over me streaming with tears and said nothing. He didn't need to. Real love has a language without words, you couldn't write it in a card if you tried.

virtualreality · 05/02/2018 23:24

Once he vacuums the stairs which he knows I fkn hate doing, makes dinner now and then, goes shopping, takes the bins out, cleans the bathrooms. He is ok, no sorry he is ace. I hate housework!

I don't give a fig for presents or cards that is just too twee for me.

By their actions shall you know them, as my mum always said and she was so right.

There are too many romantic expectations now.

hollowtree · 05/02/2018 23:27

Should have mentioned above by 'both' I meant me and my precious DD- not me and DH obviously!

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2018 23:33

Would you really rather have a soppy card than a decent present? I bet there are loads of women who get the soppy card and no present or a rubbish present who feel like that's a cheap and easy cop out.

But I'm interested in what you say about wanting him to be more affectionate. What do you mean?

LeMesmer · 05/02/2018 23:35

I don't know how long you have been with your DH but the selflessness in the end will far, far, outweigh the being a bit crap at buying cards. Selflessness is what you need when your parents are dying, selflessness is what you need when you have just had a miscarriage, selflessness is what you need when you are ill, when as a previous poster said you are going in for an EMCS, selflessness is what you need when the DC have driven you up the wall and you need an hour or two to yourself. Flowery cards don't really cut it then. We all have our faults and the fact that your DH is not great at the 'romantic' stuff is not a big one. I know it can be annoying at times but in the big scheme of life together it really doesn't matter if everything else is good.

Dodie66 · 05/02/2018 23:38

My hubby is the same. Love him to bits and he is a lovely husband but no surprise gifts etc

Koala72 · 05/02/2018 23:42

I do understand why you want it. I understand that although you don't need it to prove he loves you, you feel it would be nice to have. Just for him to have that inspiration and thought and want to do that for you.

It's a bit like imagination in bed. Everyone is different. And not every one has that imagination.

It's possibly nice to have, but not something one can really ask for if it hasn't already occurred to the other person. I think it's a spontaneous, individual thing, and sadly can't been ordered.

greenritta · 05/02/2018 23:46

Love the idea of syphilis soft toy!

Mine was perfect... Got me an iPhone when I hate Apple stuff, jewelry and make up that were "elegant" despite not being my style, an iWatch, a trip to a resort in Lanzarote when I'm more city trips that beach/resorts.
All things we had been talked about beforehand in various conversations ("what's your dream holiday? Vienna?" then he books me a trip to spain ).All gifts were gratefully accepted and cherished (I might be a picky bitch but I can be a grateful one! ).
All that to say I get what you mean: listening to you and remembering what you like, whether it's flowers or books or a note, is an amazing feeling.

Just make sure you also pay attention to what he does for you in his own way, you might see lovely gestures you hadn't thought about!

LeMesmer · 05/02/2018 23:50

I do understand how you feel Moan, and I didn't really mean that you are wrong to feel that way, and sorry if it came across as being a bit harsh. There have been a good few times when I have thought DH could have done a bit 'more' when it comes to birthdays, cards etc., but after a long marriage I have come to realize it is not that important considering what a lovely person he is in every other way, and he just doesn't think like that. So I can't say it is really a fault in him. If it is any consolation he has got a bit better as he has got older, this Christmas he actually bought me something I really loved after 35 years

boringornot · 05/02/2018 23:53

hollowtree that's lovely!

My DH never says beautiful things either. But he stands by me, never gave up on us, and works hard to earn the money for the family. I wish he did more housework, but I really don't mind the lack of cards or nice words. I'm the "words person" (writer, journalist) in the house. He is the "actions person"

Huntinginthedark · 05/02/2018 23:54

Why can’t someone be able to do a bit of both. It’s a card!!’ It can’t be that hard
It’s just stopping and thinking about someone.
Most people are there for the big things. Like illness etc. (If they aren’t it’s a whole other level of shit)
But just remembering the little things you like is pretty special

LeMesmer · 05/02/2018 23:56

I think that's it really Hollow, he stands by you and will never give up on you. When it comes down to it that is what really matters.

LeMesmer · 06/02/2018 00:00

Sorry, that should have been to boring not hollow, but I wholeheartedly agree with hollow as well

tillytrotter1 · 06/02/2018 00:03

I'd love to hear his views on your trivial imperfections.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/02/2018 00:06

I think there are too many bullshit films depicting men as these drippy whipped heroes

She's not asking for literal perfection. She would like her husband to be more affectionate and thoughtful. Those are attributes you would expect to find in a partner really...

cherryontopp · 06/02/2018 00:09

I know what you mean OP.

I wish my DP..

*would show me a lot more attention
*make more of an effort to talk to me (man of few words)
*would come up to me and give him a big kiss and tells me he loves rather me saying it first all the time
*come on to me a lot more

It is frustrating, but then he is a good boyfriend,
*would do anything I ask really
*trust him 100%
*works hard
*loves me
*puts up with my temper and constant worrying
*talks me round when im being irrational.

Its pros and cons. I do know what you mean but I cant explain it. You just want them to try a bit more? Make that little bit more of an effort?

LeMesmer · 06/02/2018 00:10

But there are different ways of being affectionate and thoughtful. Just because it is not the OPs way doesn't mean to say her DH isn't affectionate and thoughtful in his way of thinking.

LeMesmer · 06/02/2018 00:18

As Cherry says OP, it is pros and cons. He is what he is, and everyone has their 'faults'. Perhaps you can talk to him and if he knows how much it upsets you he will try and change, but fundamentally he will still be the same person. Buying cards because you have asked him to, not because he thinks is it is important. It is for you to decide whether the cons outweigh the pros. For me it is not even really a con, but it may be different for you.

Loonoon · 06/02/2018 01:05

Presents and romance aren't everything. My DH is shit at presents and romance and it has hurt me over the years but last week he said something that took my breath away

BACKSTORY. We have been married over 30 years. When DC came along 25 years ago I gave up my well paid career to be a SAHM. Although over the years I have worked in pt jobs when money was tight my earnings were miniscule compared to DH. Over the last 10 years his career has taken off massively and we now live a very nice life style. although I take responsibility for the traditional wife work I have help In the house, DCs have flown the nest and I no longer need to do paid work (although I do have some volunteer roles). He earns enough that I can have nice things. Holidays, jewellery, beauty treatments, days out with friends etc and he never begrudges a penny. That's nice in itself, but I do feel guilty about not contributing financially.

Last week our annual mortgage statement arrived. The outstanding balance is pretty low and we were discussing whether we should pay it off or let it run. Financially the sensible thing would be to let it run as it is dirt cheap borrowing but I thought it would be nice for DH if we paid it off. I said ' it would be great for you to sit back and look at the house and think, I did this, I paid for it, I achieved this'. Without missing a beat he corrected me saying "No Loon, we did this' even though over the 15 years we have lived here my financial contributions have been about 4% of his earnings.

It really humbled me - I have made such a fuss over the years about cards and gifts but he sees a much bigger picture.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/02/2018 01:07

There's only ever been one perfect man in the world and they nailed the poor bloke to a cross.

Loonoon · 06/02/2018 01:14

Spider LOL. If that's the criteria we are using we might have to accept that there has been one perfect man so far, but as yet no perfect woman.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/02/2018 01:17

What about our Lady. I'm sure she'd be classed as the perfect women

MotherofaSurvivor · 06/02/2018 01:47

Try being single and desperately lonely. Wish I'd never whinged about my ex at all.....

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