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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn my friend?

18 replies

Meowstro · 05/02/2018 19:49

My friend has said she'd like to spend a weekend over at my family home with DM, me, her, wine, board games and some movies like we used to as young adults. Whilst I don't mind this for my friend, I'm sure she has stuff on her mind, I find my DM exhausting. I wondered if it was just me but DH said the same and actually said he wouldn't put me through having to go to see DM on my own recently. I see DM for my DC at the moment and because she doesn't tend to do much socially. However, DH and I were talking and the older I get I feel she's a narcissist and always has been, DH has never uttered a bad word against her but has actually mentioned this of his own accord now too. I feel like I either apologise for her a lot of the time or try to tell her what she's like to others and how it comes across only to be met with with her telling me I shouldn't be rude to her.

Do I warn said friend about this? If so, how do I tell my friend that whilst I am happy to go along with the plan, the good old bits of DM are barely there?

OP posts:
ChickenPaws · 05/02/2018 19:57

You all live with your mother?

Can’t you spend time with your friend at her house or go away for a weekend or something?

Original poster
Meowstro · 05/02/2018 20:10

Not at all, I live with my family. My friend and I used to have sleepovers when I lived at home but DM would intrude (my view). I'm sure my friend saw it as nice she took an interest. My friend wants to visit DM with me like when we were you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meowstro · 05/02/2018 20:11

Read it back and I was as clear as mud, sleep deprived here!

OP posts:
Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 05/02/2018 20:13

Perhaps your DM is visiting an unwell friend?

ChickenPaws · 05/02/2018 20:14

Just tell your friend that your mother isn’t very nice or easy to get along with anymore and you don’t feel up to doing it.

You can never recreate the past anyway.

BlueMirror · 05/02/2018 20:16

Clearly your friend likes her?
Just tell your friend you'd rather do it just the 2 of you.

MissionItsPossible · 05/02/2018 20:24

Is the friend close to your mother? I find it quite peculiar that someone would really push for this, unless they were particularly close. If you could bear it, just invite her and hopefully it will take some of the exhaustion off of you and you won't need to think of a reason not to invite her if she witnesses the behaviour herself. If you can't bear it, just say no.

Ginkypig · 05/02/2018 20:40

Can't you just explain that your dm isn't what your friend remembers but she's very welcome to to come and stay with you and do the same.

To be honest unless your friend is friends with your mum too (or Iv missed something) then I find it quite a weird request even if your mum had been lovely and there weren't any complicating factors.

MatildaTheCat · 05/02/2018 20:42

Has your dm become harder work over the years? I’ve seen that quite a lot. Why not say to your friend that your mum is a bit much and will want to be involved in every aspect of your time together and then find an alternative venue such as an Airbnb?

Original poster
Meowstro · 05/02/2018 22:33

I think she wants to revisit our youth but I feel the same just amplified now I am a mum myself. I think my DM wanted a DD like my friend (sheltered and gave DM all of her time, stroked her ego) and my friend wanted a DM she could talk to but friend didn't realise that it was a facade.

Matilda she's always been hard work, as a child you just don't see it and I think these people also hide it better the younger they are. I once told her something in confidence and told her not to tell the person it was about (it was something silly) but she then went to ring them straight away in front of me whilst I begged her not to. She shouted at me and said she'd do as she pleased, told me I was a spoilt brat, all in front of DH back when we were dating and when I stormed out she said "this is what she's like".

Friend could organise it herself without me being there which I'd prefer although I'm still wondering whether to give her a heads up. I didn't really want to put it in writing to friend and don't really know how to say it without putting my foot in it, my friend is lovely but if she'd had some wine, I don't put it past her saying something accidentally.

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 05/02/2018 22:40

I’d be honest and say how I feel about my mum. All my friends know how I feel about mine.

Original poster
Meowstro · 06/02/2018 23:05

My friends do, it's obvious as well but I'm not sure if she chooses to ignore it. I'm going to pre-warn her.

My DH on the other hand suggested not turning up and letting her take the brunt of it all so she got the full picture Grin

OP posts:
Lucymek · 06/02/2018 23:07

What a bizzare suggestion. I would check
Your friend is ok. That's really weird.

GwenStaceyRocks · 06/02/2018 23:10

Your friend has a different relationship with your mum so they may slip into their old pattern.

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 11:14

Tell ure friend no mum sorry but u would prefer just u n her xx

Butterymuffin · 07/02/2018 11:16

Just say 'great idea but let's do it at my house, my mum's quite a different person these days'.

Lizzie48 · 07/02/2018 11:25

Just say no, you don't want to do it. I would absolutely hate that, my DM would be a nightmare in such a situation, she would totally take over.

You need to make it clear to your friend what your DM is like.

Motoko · 07/02/2018 12:13

It's a strange request.

If you don't want to do it, just say so and tell her why. She can't force you to do it, and if she's a good friend, she won't pressure you after you've explained why.
And if she does pressure you, then she's not a good friend.

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