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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to handle DS comment on skin colour?

21 replies

wwydmum · 05/02/2018 17:42

I have a lovely mixed race 5 year old. He stroked my face and said "mummy I wish my skin was white like yours"

I've no idea where this has come from, he has been saying frequently lately "I'm mixed race" which isn't something I've told him myself, obviously he will figure it out but do you do anything or do nothing and just put it down to a 5 year old figuring things out?

We live in a multicultural area... it's not like he's anything particularly unusual, plenty of friends of all skin colours so am I worrying unnecessarily?

I told him his skin was gorgeous and we can't change it... but it's really unsettled me why he would wish for different skin in this day and age?

OP posts:

user1471517900 · 05/02/2018 17:45

Its probable he just wants to look like his mum rather than preferring to be white. So it's a nice compliment. Why not say back "I'd love to look like you" or something. I don't think this is about race per say just that he has realised he looks a bit different to his mum.

ladyvimes · 05/02/2018 17:46

Do you think it’s an outside influence or could it just be an innocent comment. My dd has beautiful curly hair but sometimes plays with mine and says she wishes she has straight hair.

minionsrule · 05/02/2018 17:49

Probably kids in his class pointing it out. My DS is mixed race and it happened to him around year 3, his skin colour was his 'difference' so kids used this to hurt him ( bit like kids with glasses).
Gently ask him why he is saying it without getting emotional (for his sake) and listen out for him randomly saying things that kids say to him.
One boy in ds's class used to call him poo face

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2018 17:50

Try talking more. Does he want white skin because it's like yours? Or does he actively dislike his brown skin for some reason?

Does he see his dad often? Does he understand that he has family who are black (I'm assuming) and that that's part of his heritage (in so much a 5 year old can)?

I'm actually mixed race btw - this wasn't an issue for me but I was brought up with my mum's family who are black and mixed so for me my skin was 'the norm' and I understood my place in the world.

My son looks basically white but we've explained about where his granny was born and where his aunties and uncles come from and he's used to brown faces being positive. Does your son have this context?

Original poster

wwydmum · 05/02/2018 17:50

It bothers me that something may have been said at school to him... but I don't know if it has, just wondering where the "I'm mixed race" comments are coming from, I think if they weren't frequent along with this skin colour comment I might not feel so bothered.

OP posts:

Rockandrollwithit · 05/02/2018 17:52

I would be inclined to think that he wants to be like you at that age. Like a previous poster said, I would mirror it back and say "I wish I had beautiful skin like yours."

Original poster

wwydmum · 05/02/2018 17:52

He does see dad. Not as often as I would like for him and dad has let him down a lot lately. But he is aware that his family are black that side and knows them, and white my side

OP posts:

HildaZelda · 05/02/2018 17:54

Aw, poor little guy. At a guess I'd say that maybe other kids at school may have said something to him and he just needs reassurance from you.

shutupRuth · 05/02/2018 17:55

My son is mixed race (I’m white) and he started to make similar comments around the same age, although even as a toddler he would always colour himself brown in portraits and me pink. I just told him that his skin is beautiful (it is, I have so much envy for his smooth caramel skin tone) and how I have to lie in the sun or rub silly creams on my skin to even try and get close to his, yet he was lucky enough to be born with it. That seemed to work, again for when he bemoans his curls and wishes he could have straight hair like Justin Bieber etc - my hair will not hold a curl no matter what I do! I think it’s normal for children (and adults) to wish for the opposite of what they’ve been born with but important for them to know how beautiful they are and how special it is to be themselves

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2018 17:57

If he sees his dad and his dad's family I think it's more likely he wants to be like you rather than not like his own skin.

I suspect other children have indeed been pointing out he's 'mixed race' which is where the comments come from and I'd want to discover whether it's observation or whether he's being subjected to pejorative comments.

shutupRuth · 05/02/2018 17:59

Oh and my son doesn’t have any contact with his father or his extended black family, I think I gave him the term ‘mixed race’ to use myself when he asked. I’ve taught him myself about the other side of his heritage and he is proud and as well informed as he can be about both sides. It is a minefield but I do think children (particularly 5 year olds) very much take their peers at face value. I have had children at parties ask if I am REALLY his mum though...

Fekko · 05/02/2018 18:00

DS takes the mickey out of me about how pale I am! If asked he says he’s a Londoner.

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2018 18:03

Ruth - my mum had this ALL the time. I look more like I'm Spanish or Middle Eastern and she was black and people constantly asked if she was my mum. Tedious.

Snowbelled · 05/02/2018 18:06

My DD is in year 2 and quite regularly says she wants different coloured skin. She is white and very pale. She says its because all the girls on her table have darker skin. Part of me thinks its about being the same as her friends. They are just getting the idea of being different and want to be the same.

I do have a friend who's mixed race daughter (asian/white) is obsessed about being a blonde princess like mummy and says negstive things about asian hair and skin. They have ignored the comments so as to not add value to them but made an bigger effort to exposure her to more asian heroines in books and films (wasnt easy sadly).

Original poster

wwydmum · 05/02/2018 18:09

Yeah I've had the stupid "are you really his mum?" Comments. Usually on bus journeys from completely ignorant but not intending to be so dumb old ladies. More so in the summer when he tans very dark but nothing recent to spark this

OP posts:

Fekko · 05/02/2018 18:10

A colleague used to get this a lot - she is Indian (quite dark) but her girls are very pale and blonde.

steff13 · 05/02/2018 18:12

Its probable he just wants to look like his mum rather than preferring to be white.

This could be it. My we're all white, but my eldest son and I have very dark hair and my daughter has light brown. She tells me all the time that she wishes she had "black" hair like ours. She's 7.

ObscuredbyFog · 05/02/2018 18:15

I'd ask his teacher to keep an ear open to see how the other kids are making him aware of it, it may not be negatively.

WalkingUpTheMountain · 05/02/2018 18:15

5 year olds are very honest and straight-forward about things like skin colour, hair colour, weight etc. I would put it down to innocent comments from children at school. He's probably realised his skin is a different colour to yours, he loves you and wants to be like you. Keep telling him he's got beautiful skin.

quietheart · 05/02/2018 18:17

When I was 5 I wanted long straight blonde hair like my aunt, I can actually remember stroking it and brushing it and saying I wanted hair like hers over and over again She had to promise mine would grow like that to shut me up. It didn’t

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 18:20

This is typically the age where children start to recognise differences between themselves and others. I agree with previous posters that it is likely he just wants to look like his mum but would also encourage you to explore with him where the comments came from. You could also highlight some of the things you have in common eg. eye shape, hands, personality to make him feel more "like" you.

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