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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being phased out

14 replies

svenwhen · 05/02/2018 14:59

I'm being phased out as friend, and that's ok, it happens , hurtful as it is but we all change I guess over the years. She's my oldest friend.
I am hurting but I don't text her anymore unless she texts me and its been over a year since I've seen her. The only text now is the happy birthday , Christmas type of ones and I was ok with that. Her christmas card this year said we should do coffee in the new year...
Then last week I received a text from her saying how I've been on her mind a lot lately and how was I.
I realize now I shouldn't have but I miss her , so I just replied that I'm good and if she fancied meeting up sometime?
No reply.
I'm upset and angry at myself for even texting her that but after the Xmas card and then her text saying I was on her mind I just thought she might like it.
I really want to say to her something like, I know you're phasing me out and that's ok but please don't text me saying how much I'm on your mind if you don't really want to meet me. I'm finding it hard enough without thinking you want to meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
svenwhen · 05/02/2018 15:00

Posted too soon.
AIBU to text that?

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/02/2018 15:01

She's definitely sending mixed messages. Perhaps you should just leave it at that.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/02/2018 15:01

No don't text that, just leave her be.

TwitterQueen1 · 05/02/2018 15:02

Er... I find this a bit odd tbh OP. I have friends I don't see or talk to for months sometimes, and then we make contact and carry on as before. None of us think about 'being phased out' at all. It's just the way things are sometimes. I don't make demands on friends or get huffy if they haven't been in touch for a while...

Original poster
svenwhen · 05/02/2018 15:06

Going from meeting every week to nothing ,no texts, no calls nothing . It hurt.
I was moving on and letting her be and had accepted that our friendship had changed. But then she sends me the Christmas card message and then the text? I wish she hadn't . It's just brought me back down again.

OP posts:
grosseconnasse · 05/02/2018 16:12

I would just wait for her to reply to your text.

I am terrible at replying to messages, whether texts, FB or Whatsapp. I didn't reply to a friend over Christmas, she completely overreacted and was excessively offended by it and basically told me I was a crap friend then blocked me Hmm

Some people just have a lot going on in their lives, and are shit at keeping in touch.

Original poster
svenwhen · 05/02/2018 16:45

I have a feeling she won't reply. I'm mad and upset at myself for even mentioning it.
I wish people that are phasing a friend out of their lives would not send them mixed messages.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/02/2018 16:48

Ive just been through virtually the same thing. Totally reopened the hurt of being phased out in the first place.

I blocked her and deleted her contact details.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/02/2018 16:49

Do you think, perhaps, she has a form of 'depression' - and I use the term loosely. I cut my self off for almost 7 years after a parent died. It took me that long to get over it. I then re-established contact, explained why. Perhaps shes starting the 'reach out' phase as the mist clears.

SandAndSea · 05/02/2018 17:01

I think I'd try one more message. How about texting her something like:

"Hi! Thought I'd try one more time to see if you'd like to meet up for coffee? I can do XXX (say when - maybe give a couple of choices) if that works for you? X"

Then leave it.

The reason I am suggesting you message her is because your op reads as though she is initiating all the contact, which can wear thin. (I know I don't know the back story though.) Also, it sounds like you value her friendship, so why not try again?

Original poster
svenwhen · 05/02/2018 17:11

barbarian it really did reopened the hurt.
Sandandsea I've initiated so many times I stopped then slowly realised I was being phased out. Before last year or maybe even 2 years ago, it was both sides though ,her arranging a meetup or sometimes I did. Then it was just me. Then I stopped.
It was heartbreaking as I'd known her since I was small

OP posts:
Original poster
svenwhen · 05/02/2018 17:19

new year she has a lot going on ,I know that, and she knows I know. But why mention coffee then say how you were on their mind and then not respond when the friend tries to make arrangements?

OP posts:
BlackberryandNettle · 05/02/2018 17:44

Your friend's being pretty flaky but it may not be personal. She may just be very busy and a bit disorganised. I think you're doing the right thing by moving on/spending more time with others but if she's a really old friend then maybe leave a door open for when she gets her act together.

BlackberryandNettle · 05/02/2018 17:46

I like sand and seas message

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