To be rather vexed?

[User2837]

Okay, there are quite a few points to this and I want to get them out clearly so I will bullet point why I am at breaking point with DP. I just want some advice on whether I am BU (I don't think I am), and I would really appreciate some help formulating my side of things so it doesn't erupt into an argument if I can help it.

So I am on maternity leave at the moment and DP works part time, although he is studying as well so his days off are spent generally getting on with work as well.

When I was pregnant DP was smoking alot of weed. I blame myself for putting up with it for so long and "allowing" DP to do it.
When DD was born he stopped all together until she was 4 months old, then it crept back in (she's now 5 months). We ended up agreeing (me reluctantly) that he could have a smoke every other weekend in the evenings. The way he said it was that alot of people have a drink and so it's no different.

Anyway in the last month he has

• Conveniently had weed left over after the weekend and said he "may aswell just have another evening of smoking to finish it"

• I found out he has been spending a ridiculous amount of money on clothes (most recently £160 on a jumper). We are on minimum wage.

• We went for a meal on Friday evening, where he downed a bottle of wine in an hour. He then wanted to buy another bottle to take home which I had to talk him out of. He's a real lightweight and frankly it bothers me that it's just expected that I'll be the one to look after DD whilst he gets pissed.

• I popped out Friday morning for 2 hours and left DD with DP. I breastfeed so this doesn't happen often. I asked DP to give DD a bath as he'd said he would the night before and didn't. When I got home not only had he not given her a bath, but he hadn't even changed her nappy so she was in the same one she'd been in all night. He also left me a sink full of dishes because he "had to do a workout instead".

• He went to visit a friend yesterday and was out from 3pm-1am. He came home slurring his words and stinking of booze.

Now, because there are so many aspects of this (not doing enough for DD, weed, booze, spending), I don't even know where to begin to formulate my argument. When he got in last night I totally flew off the handle and we ended up arguing till 3am. He's still in bed now.

I find I bottle things up or try and move past stuff for a period of time and then I just blow up and do myself no favours cos it is never well articulated or explained.

Can anyone help?? When he wakes up he will most likely apologise and say he won't do it again just to minimise the argument rather than face up to his issues.

Gosh it ended up much longer than I intended.

Also before people ask - he does have very good qualities too of course. I don't want to leave him, I just need help to articulate myself so I don't just come across as hostile and controlling. Thanks

Have you considered writing it all down point by point, including how it makes you feel and how you would like things to change, and showing it to him? I've done that in the past because I tend to get emotional. Be sure to include all the things he is great at as well!

Have you posted about this before. Either way any good qualities don't outweigh his indifference to being a parent.

Abracadabra - no I've not. The reason I mention he has good qualities too was just to get it out there before the 'LTB' and 'does he have any redeeming qualities' comments came along.

The fact that he left your DD in a dirty nappy for so long comes under the heading of neglect in my book and would be reason enough for me to think about the state of my relationship. Chuck in the weed smoking and laziness and I'd be off.

My ex dp was exactly the same, down to the nappy thing.
Write it down or email him it. Tell him to shape up or ship the fuck out. He's doing no good for your DD or you behaving like this

Well if you are going to stay with him there are many aspects of his behaviour he has to change.

Read him the riot act and give him an ultimatum. If he's not bucked up in 2 weeks tell him it's over. But then obviously he has to change for good and that may prove difficult.

Yanbu to want all of this to stop. He sounds positively lazy and irresponsible.

Congratulations, you have a man-child! TBH I don’t think there is any point in even telling him, he won’t change. He prioritises himself over your family.

He is irresponsible and negligent and those are terrible qualities in a partner and parent. There is no way to sugar coat that. There is also no way to sugar coat this. Your choice is to tolerate things as they are or give him an ultimatum (he sorts his shit out or you leave) and be prepared to follow through if he doesn't sort it out. That isn't hostile or controlling, it's drawing a line about what you think is acceptable for your DD to grow up seeing. To be perfectly honest I can't see what redeeming qualities could possibly make tolerating behaviour like you've described bearable, as it stands he is a shit parent and a shit partner, don't you think you and DD deserve better?

He's lazy and irresponsible

Why do you want to stay with him? He cares more about alcohol and cannabis than you and your daughter

I always think, if these incidents are in isolation, then we all have aberrations. But. I stopped at the weed comments. I simply wouldn't have a drug addict round my child. If that's the life you want, and to bring a child up in, then nothing any of us will change that.

Tbh if you have to tell a parent that one of their duties is to care for their child then there's no real hope for them. A parent shouldn't want their child to sit in a dirty nappy let alone allow it.

You're 'rather vexed'?! Wow. You're more chilled out than me op. I'd be raging. He neglects his child's basic needs in order to 'have a workout'. He blows money you don't have on drugs, booze and expensive clothes for himself. He doesn't contribute to basic housework like dishes. I have no idea how you begin to tackle all this... I would be simmering with resentment. Perhaps writing it all down would be a good start I guess. Maybe a deadline for him to start actually being a partner to you and a father to his child?

No respect.
No respect for you
No respect for your baby's welfare
No respect for your partnership
No respect for safety and wellbeing
He is acting single and getting away with it.
No amount of redeeming qualities can change this basic fact.
Can you trust this man not to get stoned and forget to feed your child that you both made?
Can you explain to a concerned health visitor why your baby has severe nappy rash because he didn't change its nappy for hours and hours? Why the house and his clothes stink of weed?
He is being a selfish, self absorbed prat and that is what excessive weed smoking does.
Get him out
Let him clean up
Let him win back your trust and respect
Then consider your position and whether you want him back.

The reason I mention he has good qualities too was just to get it out there before the 'LTB' and 'does he have any redeeming qualities' comments came along.

Well, the thing is, we always hear the 'oh he's got good qualities' line in these sorts of stories and it doesn't stop us saying these things.

You've just told us that he values weed, alcohol and working out over caring for his child and giving you any sort of break whatsoever. That he doesn't care if his child is sitting in their own excrement. Would he leave an elderly parent lying in soiled sheets?

I find I bottle things up or try and move past stuff for a period of time

For some reason, many people think this is an admirable trait (you might not, but I'm sure you'll have received the message that it is. Stoicism or self control or spin of that kind). It isn't. Some things need to be dealt with as soon as they happen.

In this case, I think you should seriously consider your relationship with a lazy, selfish pothead.

Aunt - I am raging. The "rather vexed" was meant to be ironic. I am fuming.

I don't think anybody reading this would blame you.