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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel that this is really getting me down?

17 replies

DankAShan · 04/02/2018 20:00

I will try to keep this brief.

A woman I know has become quite attached to me. She's going through a difficult time and I leant her a shoulder to cry on one day and since then she has really latched on to me.

She messages me several times a day, as soon as I log onto Facebook/snapchat/whatsapp she's there messaging me. If I don't reply she sends me a question or another message to prompt me to reply.

I have an Facebook business page which I spend a lot of time on messaging customers and checking orders, so when she sees I'm online she immediately thinks I'm available to chat which can be annoying when you are trying to work.

My DH has now said he's getting pissed off with it because my phone is constantly going off in the evening when we are trying to watch tv or eat dinner.

I've tried telling her nicely that I'm not a big texter, that I'm working etc but she's not getting it. I'm finding that I'm starting to dread every time I see her name and have even changed myself to inactive on Facebook messenger so she can't see when I'm online.

Today, she turned up at my place of work to see me. I actually went out the back and cried - stupid I know but I just feel like it's really getting me down! I don't want to hurt her, she's going through a tough time and feel awful saying this. I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Firgoodnesssake · 04/02/2018 20:03

Stop responfing to her messages and if she turns up at ur place of work tell her ur really busy and cannot talk, then make urself scarce

She will get he message, eventually

Tara336 · 04/02/2018 20:04

I had something similar happen to me, she would call me constantly and at awkward times, keep coming in my office (worked for same company). People started joking about it but I was really uncomfortable. I was unplugging the house phone in the evening just to get some peace. In the end I just kept avoiding her and she got the message

Original poster
DankAShan · 04/02/2018 20:09

Tara I really don't want to hurt her feelings. She's gone through such a tough time but I can't handle the constant messaging. She's asked me to go to lunch tomorrow - she asks every week and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't go

OP posts:
OldGuard · 04/02/2018 20:11

Don’t give excuses - be truthful - that you have busy and committed life and whilst you’d love to catch up every now and then you really don’t have the capacity to be texting and chatting every day

Original poster
DankAShan · 04/02/2018 20:20

I'm worried this will make things really awkward

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/02/2018 20:27

You could message her back and say you're working and not available to chat.

Then make a date with her to see her to catch up. Ignore any form of communication when it's not convenient for you.

It does sound tough for you OP.

Original poster
DankAShan · 04/02/2018 20:34

I feel so stupid about getting upset about it but I feel like I'm constantly being watched. She watches all my social media accounts for activity and as soon as she spots it, she messages me. Yesterday, when I was trying to spend time with my family (my only day off) I had 5 messages from her in the space of 1 hour Sad

OP posts:
waitingforlifetostart · 04/02/2018 20:38

You have two options. 1. Tell her how it's making you feel. 2. Ignore every message. Don't even reply to one. She'll soon stop after a few days of no answers.

babyccinoo · 04/02/2018 20:41

I will get flamed for this, but if you really can't tell her to back off, could you get DH to call her? Or your sister or mum?

I used to always get my sisters to extricate me from awkward situations.

Original poster
DankAShan · 04/02/2018 20:51

I think DH would say something because he really gets annoyed with my phone going off. She's sent me 3 messages so far this evening and I've ignored each one

OP posts:
Topseyt · 04/02/2018 20:55

I think you have to stop worrying so much about hurting her feelings and be blunt, otherwise she will just not get it at all.

Say that you can't go to lunches you are working. Don't say "maybe another time" or she will keep coming back for more.

You could possibly say that you are glad you could help when it was needed, but you will be cooling it now because you are working. Repeat as necessary.

If she turns up at your place of work then tell her that is inappropriate because you are working. Tell her that.

Don't answer her messages. She may not mean to, but she is certainly pestering you and it is becoming intrusive. If she really does persist then you will have no option but to block her on social media.

Klarabing · 04/02/2018 20:55

I had this before... she worked in my dd's nursery... poor girl had relationship issues, multiple (fake) health, issues, child issues etc etc and she latched on to me as we had dd's the same age.. she would call and text constantly and it wore me down we only had about 2 play dates with the kids and it never worked out as the girls didnt get on. thankfully this was before facebook. I had to be really mean to get rid of her and just shut her out, it went against everything i usually stand for but even a small response back would mean constant messages. Im not going to lie, when i see her it is REALLY awkward but bearable as i remember how intense and strange she was XX GOOD LUCK XX

babyccinoo · 04/02/2018 20:59

Then let DH deal with it if he is willing!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/02/2018 21:12

This hard time she's been through, are you sure it's real?

My DM will do what you describe with anyone who shows any sign of sympathy with poor boundaries.

DM will launch into a tale of how awful everyone / everything is to mere acquaintances. Needless to say these stories are huge twistings of the truth.

There is a reason DM doesn't have long term friends or anyone else she can talk to about the awfulness.

Police your boundaries. When a person is behaving badly it is OK if they feel bad when someone stops them.

Original poster
DankAShan · 04/02/2018 21:15

Well I assume it's real as she's constantly posting about it on her Facebook and a flurry of her "nosey Facebook friends" are always saying "u ok Hun?" "Pm me" that sort of shite

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/02/2018 20:55

She's messaging you and coming to your work not those FB friends though, right?

Maybe you should be a FB friend only too.

Where are all her other RL friends and support? Why is it only you?

Is there anything other than FB to convince you it is real (and if real not self-inflicted)? Do you have mutual friends?

No friends then latching onto you obsessively and inappropriately is a big red flag.

Why is it OK for her to make you cry at work but you can't risk any hurt to her?

CommanderDaisy · 05/02/2018 21:23

For a bit of peace while you figure out your next step, you can turn her off on Facebook so she can't see when you are online. You will no longer show up in the activity list.

On a browser ( not on your phone) log in and open the chat window, click on the gear wheel and go from there. If you hide your activity from her she won't know. You can also put her on your restricted list through the settings ( top right on Facebook window), this will further limit your online activity with her and hide your activity.

Hope that helps.

www.valuewalk.com/2014/05/how-to-hide-online-status-on-facebook-chat/

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