Contact with Dad’s girlfriend. Please help me in AIBU 😞

[Stuffythedragon]

Ok, I was going to NC but it’s been so long since I posted I can’t remember how - therefore if you know me in RL, can this be kept quiet - thanks.

I’ll try not to drip feed, but it’s long winded so please bear with me. I’m also happy to be told that I’m unreasonable without flouncing. I’m just looking for a non-biased view on this...

Ok, me and XDP were together for almost 5 years, we both had children from a previous relationship and soon enough, along came our DD (2 years into the relationship). Settled into a blended family quite well, with the usual family argument here and there. However, he was VERY short tempered and at one point I ended up in hospital as he pushed me so hard that I hit my head and knocked myself out (I wasn’t entirely blameless in this as I wouldn’t leave the room during a row, I didn’t touch him, but I wanted to sort the row out calmly and tried to reason with him and calm him down so was probably quite annoying). His temper was a huge problem for me, as during an argument he would think nothing of calling me a c**t and on at least five occasions this was in front of our daughter.

Forward January last year and I decided that enough was enough. I wanted to shock him into realising I wouldn’t be treated like this, and I certainly didn’t want my daughter thinking it was acceptable that any man (or human being!) should speak to a woman in that way... well, it backfired. He told me that I should leave and that was that.
We trudged on for a few months while I saved and then in May last year we moved out.

I’m not going to lie, and even though we were miserable, it broke me. Even worse was to come, when just a mere two months later he announced he was in a relationship with someone new (I’m 100% sure this wasn’t happening before as he only met her in the July and this has been confirmed by mutual friends).

I asked him not to introduce to our DD as I felt it was too soon, only to be told that just six weeks into their relationship, she has already met DD! I wasn’t happy, but DD seemed to like the new GF, and I’m not wanting to cause a problem over it so I let it go.

Forward to last month.... XDP and GF have been together 5/6 months at this point - for the first 4 months GF lived over 100 miles away so was around for 2/3 days a week. Only recently she’s moved closer. I find out through my 3 year old DD that at her contact (that only happens 1/2 days a week) she wasn’t with Daddy, because GF had taken her out for the day.

So, this leads me onto AIBU..... I told my XP that she should NOT have been taken anywhere by GF and that contact is for DD to spend time with him. She’s still a virtual stranger to DD, and as much as I don’t have an issue with her being around, I certainly don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be taking my daughter away from her father for the day.

When I (rightly or wrongly) had a go at XP over this, he told me that I cannot stop her taking her out and that he can do what he likes during ‘his’ time.

AIBU in saying that this CANNOT happen?

**sorry for such a long post. I just feel at my wits end over this as he’s now threatening a custody battle 😞

Why do you have as issue with gf taking her out?

Sorry I would hate this too but yabu. When she's in his care it's up to him what happens.

Honestly, he sounds so hot tempered that I'd be reassured by the presence of literally any other adult. She's a witness. He'll be on best behaviour in the presence of a new girlfriend.

Custody battle my arse. Shrug and say ''I'd love some time off'' and watch his ''battle'' turn to ashes.

Court's see contact time as being with the parent not the NRP 's time to allocate.

Who would be OK with a stranger taking their child out for the day ?

The issue I have, is that they have been together such a short amount of time. I don’t feel that a girlfriend of six months should be having sole care of our daughter on his contact days.

I don’t have an issue with her, she seems nice enough from what I’ve been told by DD. I just can’t imagine having a boyfriend of only six months and allowing him to take DD or any of my other DC out for the day.

Like I said, I’m willing to be told I’m being unreasonable if that’s the case.

I’d like to point out that while Dad is there I have NO issue with her being around.

Also by ‘day’, I mean the whole day that DD was supposed to be with her Dad, so 10-4.

If she popped to Tesco with her, then I wouldn’t have a problem.

Yabu, you cannot dictate what he does when he has your dd.

Custody is now called residence. Where parents can't agree and a judge decides it usually ends up as a shared residence order if there is any order at all. This is where there are no issues re: their conduct e.g. abuse etc.

Have you considered mediation as a method to bring you all together to agree how in future such contact should take place. It is so much better an outcome for the children for you all to be able to agree.

I take your point about contact should be with your ex not necessarily his girlfriend but this is going to be almost impossible to stop. If you stop contact altogether and he has to issue proceedings you may end up with a shared order. On the other hand your ex might balk at the thought of having the children 50 per cent of the time so that could be a bargaining chip for you. Unfortunately once you are no longer with the other parent you cannot really control what they do.

Unfortunately a judge will deem your ex capable of making his own decisions regarding his dd. You can't force him to spend every moment of his contact time with her.

He is right, you have no right to dictate what happens on his contact.

However, I would question why you allow him any unsupervised contact if he was violent.

I would never deny contact because DD is his daughter and I would never think she was in danger with him. Just because he wasn’t a good partner, doesn’t mean I worry when my daughter is in his care.

I’m surprised that his given it’s quite a new relationship, that I should be accepting of my DD spending the day alone with his GF. However, this is why I’ve asked the question on whether IABU.... seems as though I might be after all.

OP i would be very upset too, as i dont leave my DDs with friends / aunties etc. only our parents have them. however i dont think you can do anything about it :(. maybe arrange to meet this new GF. it may set your mind to rest a little

i did want to read and run - i have no experience of any of this. I was of the thought that if the courts decide the father gets X amount of time with the child then if the child was not with the father and with someone else then this would be a breach of the original order? Obviously i might be wrong... Sorry OP - doesn't sound great and in your shoes i wouldnt be impressed either..

I have no experience here but understand your reluctance. I also wanted to say that write “I knocked myself out”. You didn’t. A violent bully did. Did you report him? Should he have unmonitored access? Have you had counselling? Sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

He sounds awful but if you consider him a safe person to have contact with your shared child, which you currently do, it’s up to him what happens during his contact time, as you do when she’s with you.

While you might not do it, if you had a bf of 6 months, or much less, and wanted to leave your DD with him, there'd be nothing he could do about it either. Not ideal sure, but both parents have an equal right to spend the child’s contact time however they deem okay.

I have had the same problem. My DS' were introduced to the OW after 4 weeks of us separating. I have now - nearly 8mths later - finally met her.

Realistically she is going to be in their lives a lot... maybe even for the next 30 plus years, so l want it to be a positive relationship. So l have decided to kill her with kindness and to "use" her to my advantage eg when one of the boy's needs a lift and l can't do it as I'm at work, she can he the taxi service.

I would of course prefer her to be nowhere near them but that's not going to happen so l might as well try and make it work to mine and my boy's advantage

I have a residence order and am 100% sure (unless there is a safeguarding issue) you have no right as to who the father does or doesnt introduces his daughter to.

That aside, 6 months is not a new relationship and seems perfectly normal at that stage to start introducing her to his child.

You need to look more deeply into why you are really interfering with your daughters relationship with her father and potential step mother.

I had this 7years ago only ex wasn’t spending time with ds at the time and was leaving him with his dm. Ds was very distressed at the time although he was younger than your dd, I got reports from nursery due to how distressed he was.He was doing a lot of drugs at the time and drinking and utilmately contact ceased.

When we went to court contact was resumed via a contact centre and the judge put into the contact order that contact was to take place with ds and his father and not to be left with other family members. My situation might be different as zero contact was taking place at the time but I get how frustrating it is especially when your dd is coming home confused. Ex btw has contact twice a week and holidays so it’s completely different now but then ex grew up. Things are still raw at the moment but it will get better

I think there maybe some confusion here, or maybe I wasn’t clear.

I have NO issue with DD being around the GF. I jus think that the contact time shouldn’t be spent with just my DD and GF without Dad around.

Also calling her Step Mum is a little premature after 6 months I’d think.