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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being so pissed off that he’s doing the Brilliant Father routine now I’ve ended things?

26 replies

Bookywooky · 04/02/2018 02:33

We have three young children and I’m sick and tired of being treated like a servant by my husband. I ended things a month ago. I do bloody everything. Get them up, put them to bed, feed them, homework, hobbies, play dates, days out to the park/swimming etc, hair appointments, baths, speech therapy for our youngest etc. As well as working part time, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. He spent so little time with them and regularly dumped them in front of the tv when he needed to look after them. Now we’ve separated he’s making out to everyone that he’s some kind of super dad. He’s started taking them places and complaining to friends and relatives that I won’t let him have them half of the week. Why should I go without my children for half of each week because of him? In a few months he’d start making excuses and they’d be back in front of the tv for his half of the week.

OP posts:

CupcakeWithIcing · 04/02/2018 03:02

The novelty will soon wear off and his family and friends will realise what a shit dad he really is.

In the meantime, come up with a schedule of when he can see them and how long for. When he stops sticking to this at least you can tell the kids (and his family) you tried and it doesn't make you look like the evil ex bitch gf who's stopping contact.

Have it down on paper and make him sign it. Then it's not your word against his but proof of how much of a dick he is and how good of a mother you are

Also, in case nobody has told you this lately. You're doing an amazing job and your kids are lucky to have such a brilliant mum x

OlivesAndWhiskey · 04/02/2018 03:07

Maybe losing his partner has put things in perspective for him. He's focusing on the things that matter, his children. If your children enjoy seeing their other parent, then they should be with them half the time if practical (i.e, the other parent lives near the school etc). Try not to ruminate on what he's doing. If you've recently separated, it's going to be quite difficult for the children for a few months, maybe longer. So let them spend as much fun time with both of you, without hostility and irritability with each other.

HelenaDove · 04/02/2018 03:10

hes in for a fucking big shock when he realizes the mental load you were doing and has to start doing it himself.

im guessing he will be expecting you to remind him to do stuff like returning school uniform to you after contact.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 04/02/2018 03:35

as frustrating as it is every day that he is a good parent is a good day for the kids and family as a whole.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 03:47

He’s most likely doing it to make himself look good and you look bad. Not the first man to do this. I agree with Cupcake, it’s a good to create a schedule.

1forAll74 · 04/02/2018 04:48

Perhaps. maybe,, you could give him a chance.. there are some men out there, who are born quite stupid, but just need a big wake up call to do things properly. Only you, as his wife after all this time, can know if he really wants to change things now,. three children and all, and all very special to you both.

I am not like a lot of people on here, who quickly say, just get rid of a man for reasons of this and that, sometimes you maybe have to do this,,, but sometimes. its worth having a try to sort things out.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2018 05:17

Enjoy it while it lasts, OP. Your schedule sounds exhausting and I bet you could do with a bit of a rest. If he isn't sincere, he'll soon be annoyed to think that he is doing you a favour

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 04/02/2018 07:33

Some men are not just born stupid and need a wake up call. Some people are so self centred that they don't care if the other parent is being ground down by drudgery. This new super dad image is just another self serving thing. When he realises you won't be wife working for him the novelty will wear off.
Get a schedule in writing to spare your children's feelings when super dad wears off.

stressedandskint · 04/02/2018 08:16

Sounds exhausting! Arrange set days for contact eg weekends and he can see them more during school holidays or whatever works for you both.
Then go out and let your hair down! Check out the meetup site for groups you can join. You're actually free to have a life outside of being a mum and servant so enjoy it! Make a list of things you want to do/try.
As for him playing super dad, let him. The more you focus on yourself and having fun the less he can affect you.

Andrewofgg · 04/02/2018 08:30

Set yup a schedule and stick to it. He may lose interest - but he may not. If he doesn't it will sometimes mean that you can't do what you would have liked to because it's his day. From professional not personal experience: that may mean telling your family that they can't see them on the day that suits them.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 04/02/2018 08:48

I know it’s not what you want to hear but you’ll learn to appreciate this if it continues so don’t do/say anything now you might regret later. My ex was an utterly utterly shit husband and father when we were together. You’d never meet a more selfish, lazy, mean and stingy man in all your life but after we split and in the years since, he’s actually stepped up to be a pretty decent dad.

He couldnt cope with being a family man but now provides a decent maintenance, calls the kids daily, does all the running around for contact weekends and takes them on holiday a few times a year etc. Disney dad basically.

My advice would be to grit your teeth and come to an agreement that you can both review in 6 months time. My bet is that by that time the novelty will have worn off or you’ll have settled in a new routine.

BiologyMatters · 04/02/2018 08:50

Surely it's good for the kids that he's engaging with them now?

Strictly1 · 04/02/2018 08:53

As annoying as it is for you, it’s not about you, it’s about the children. To be fair you need to give him a chance. You’ll either be proved right or not but he needs to be the one to determine this or you just come across as bitter - sorry.

FlouncyDoves · 04/02/2018 08:59

So you’re pissednoff that he’s stepping up and being a better dad? Nice.

PurpleDaisies · 04/02/2018 09:02

Regardless of why he’s doing it, surely him being a good dad is better for your kids? I can’t understand why anyone would want anything else.

I agree that formalising contact times is a good idea.

reallyanotherone · 04/02/2018 09:08

So a man stepping up and taking responsibility is just a “disney dad”?

This thread is horrible reading. Some men do step up.

Give him a chance. Now you’re not around to pick up his slack you may find he stops relying on you and gets on with things. Most men can, it’s when they’ve always had someone else to do things (mum, then wife) it never occurs to them.

He has as much right to spend time with the children as you do. Agree a schedule- the idea is start at 50:50 and negotiate from there.

If he does lose interest then deal with that. But if you don’t give him chance to step up, he isn’t going to.

Sort yourself and your life out. Let him worry about his parenting.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 04/02/2018 09:23

Agree that you need to give him a chance. Show that you are committed to making it work. E.g. ask him to propose a schedule, making sure he knows all the important things like after school commitments in advance. Agree details like responsibility for homework etc.

I sympathise though. My ex was flakey about contact until I got tough with him. He would cancel contact in favour of his social life, and never helped with homework or interests. (Time with him was for 'chilling').

Blackteadrinker77 · 04/02/2018 09:27

Was he always lazy?

If not when did it change?

SandyY2K · 04/02/2018 09:32

He's actually doing what I would tell men in his position to do.

They tell me they've been not the best dad...wife has had enough...they regret their behaviour...so I say...you need to focus on your children...you need to build a bond and develop your relationship with them...otherwise you'll be a poor role model and their memories of you will not be good.

I tell them they can't get away not stepping up...there's nobody to cover their back and mask their poor parenting...they will be wide open and exposed now.

They've lost the marriage...but they haven't lost their DC. Sometimes the couple reconcile too.

Series28 · 04/02/2018 09:39

Try not to be pissed of, it might be annoying for you but it is in the best interests of your children that he does 'the brilliant father routine' all you should be feeling is hopeful that it continues.

Original poster

Bookywooky · 04/02/2018 16:56

I want him to be heavily involved. I’ve tried agreeing a schedule where he gets to spend time with them four days a week and he keeps changing it to suit himself. I’ve repeatedly told him the kids need a set routine but it’s all about what suits him. I’m going to have to take legal action and get a formal arrangement put in place so he can’t keep mucking us about. He’s not working at the moment so he wants them overnight on the days he has them. I don’t want to see my children for only three days of each week. He’s threatening to just not return them to me in between repeated requests for me to move home. I’m so annoyed he’s using the kids to get at me.

OP posts:

ADarkandStormyKnight · 04/02/2018 17:22

Ah well that's a different story. It sounds like you need mediation to sort this out.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2018 23:02

Why would you let him have them more often you have them, when he never did anything with them while he was living with you?

Allthewaves · 04/02/2018 23:22

You need to go to mediation. Kids are not possessions. When you split you have to accept that the consequences are that you may only see them 3/4 days a week if having 50:50 care. Isn't it equally unfair if your ex doesn't get time overnight with the children

Original poster

Bookywooky · 05/02/2018 00:10

That’s my point Coyoacan. I’m not sure if he wants this just because he’s lonely, because he feels guilty about being such a uninvolved father or just that he’s really pissed off at me and wants to make my life as difficult as possible. He’s promised so many times in the past to do more with the kids and it’s lasted a week or two before he goes back to normal. He’s had it so easy for so long and has deluded himself into believing he’s done nothing wrong. Of course they’re not possessions. They’re growing humans who need someone who’ll cook them meals instead of handing them packets of crisps, who’ll practice reading and writing with them instead of letting them spend all day watching tv, who will get them involved in hobbies that involve exercise and socialising with others instead of leaving them to play a games console all day while he lies in bed etc. I don’t think I should have to accept the consequences of only getting to see them 3/4 times a week when I’m the one working so bloody hard to do my best for them.

OP posts:

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