To think I’ll never truly be good at any job?

[Chocwocdoodah]

Posted about this before and been told it’s imposter syndrome but I truly think I AM an imposter.

Been working in my field around 12 years and now a consultant. Despite my experience, I never feel confident in what I do. It’s like there are basics that I should’ve learnt as a junior and as I’ve progressed that never sunk in. In fact, in general, I find I have difficulty retaining information and learning new things. I realised the other day that I can’t remember anything about my degree. I studied English and can only name about 4 books I read. When I read books now, I struggle to decipher them and often forget who characters are, for example.

When a client asks my advice, I feel sick sometimes (ridiculous). It’s frustrating because I am a confident person. But not in my job. I should have loads of clients and have huge earning potential but I don’t chase them as I’m so insecure. And I undercharge for the same reasons.

I want to change career but I don’t know what I’d do. I love the writing side of my work but I’ve realised I’ve no desire to be a leader. I’m happy for someone else to make the decisions and just do my bit. But like I say, I fear I wouldn’t be able to learn something new as I just can’t seem to retain anything. I’m envious of friends who are doing well and going for promotions etc as I want that sense of achievement but most of the time I’m just worrying about what a crap job I’m doing.

Does anyone understand my ramblings?!!

I remember your previous post. I know others will come along and tell you not to worry but I really think this is a sign that it's not the job for you. Everyone needs time to settle in and get to grips with a job but if you still feel like this after a while doing it, I think it just doesn't suit you.

Many years ago I left a stressful job to retrain in something creative. I felt so anxious, worried that nobody would like what I was creating that I really suffered and decided it wasn't for me after all. I gave it a year but the nerves just didn't go. I saw it as a wonderful learning experience that taught me a new skill that I will always be able to use but I don't need to work in that area.

Now I'm self-employed in a totally different sector and, even though I always considered myself a born leader and someone who'd "go far", I shy away from building up the company and having more than a few members of staff because I realised that the people management side of things makes me anxious and lose sleep. It took many years to reconcile the fact that although I may be good at something it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for my mental health!

I know it's not the same as your situation but I want to convey that the best path to take is the one that makes you feel content, happy and confident, even if it's not what is considered the most prestigious or well-paid.

Thank you kitten. I think you’re right, it’s not the job for me. I hate the overwhelming panic I feel when I know there’s something coming up that requires me to use my “expertise” to advise because usually I just feel clueless. On the rare occasion where I feel like I know my stuff and deal with a situation well, I feel great but these occasions are too few and far between...

Too often in the past I’ve been the quiet one in meetings when I absolutely should’ve been chipping in and I know my silence is deafening in these situations. I also remember many times when I’ve left meetings either with a completely different take on what everyone’s been talking about or no clue whatsoever - it’s like I just can’t process information anymore!

Me. I've been doing a version of my role for 7 years and last month made 2 stupid mistakes. For me there is just too much bloody knowledge I need to have, things to juggle that I need to remember I need to juggle

I am very close to resigning because I'm just over it. I have a fantastic manager but it's starting to not be enough.

Feels shit, doesn’t it Green?

Kitten - just looked up my old posts and realised I’ve pretty much said all this before....see, I can’t even remember that!!!!

I know just how you feel. I work in a practical job leading a small team I have done this job for years but I really struggle with it even though it is a pt job and I only work 3 hrs a day. I find I'm quite slow in all the practical areas and not naturally organised. When it comes to leading my team and interacting with our clients I lack confidence. Another team leader will come along and point things out that I know but don't have the confidence to implement. When we have our yearly audit I am so nervous I feel like I will have a breakdown. The thing is I've been doing this job for years and trying really hard at it so I am sure I can't improve. I feel like I just scrape through, not bad enough to get rid of unless I make a big mistake but having to peddle frantically to do what others are finding easy and most are doing much better.
I really feel that I'm not ideally suited to the job but I feel like I would be the same in any other job. Practical jobs I would be too slow in or lack the skills. Customer focused or team leader jobs I would lack confidence and social ability. If the job were more academic I would need to totally retrain and I don't know if I have the mental ability now. Most of my reading in recent years has been MN or listening to light fiction on audio books while walking the dog.
So I really feel I will be stuck in a job (possibly the one I have now) that I'm not very good at for the rest of my working life.

Short it’s horrid isn’t it. Do you have any idea of a job you think you might be good at? I’d just love to find something that makes me think “ yes, I know I’m good at this and can do a good job at it”.

Chocwocdoodah why don't we brainstorm? You like writing but without the leadership side of things. What else do you enjoy/are good at?

It sounds as if your anxiety is blocking you. Would it be possible to move into a less client facing role so you could process information and queries and answer via email or report?

I suspect many people worry that they aren’t good enough or clever enough for their job. Sometimes having one smallish area of real expertise is more valuable that being expected to have a general huge knowledge of a wider field.

Any thoughts on what you would aspire to?

Hmmm, Kitten, it’s hard to say....yes, I like writing. Before I was consulting, I’d be the person in the team who would volunteer to do the writing jobs that no one else wanted to do ( either because they weren’t confident writers or found it boring). There’s all kinds of writing in my field from light-hearted stuff to more formal - I used to happily write reports, for example. Or how-to-guides. I get satisfaction from clarifying ideas in written format in a way people find easy to understand.

That’s all rather vague isn’t it....

Matilda, my job is all about the clients but yes, I think I’d like to move away from being the direct point of contact. If I’m put on the spot and know the answer, I’m fine. But if I doubt myself the tiniest bit, I just feel sick and total inner-panic and I’m not someone who’s happy to blag it. I also don’t like the strategic planning part of my role (as I’m also crap at that!)

I could have written your post, OP. I have been doing my job for years and i hate it as I really don't think I know what I'm doing. For me, I think I have undiagnosed dyslexia or dyspraxia. I absolutely have issues with recall, info processing, and multi tasking.
I really want to leave my job and do something that doesn't involve complex tasks but I can't afford to. It's bloody horrible

I’m very similar. I couldn’t tell you anything about my degree other than it’s title! I also recently did some further study for a year and cant really remember the main points. I can read a book and not have any clue about what I just read, especially if it’s academic. Very annoying to spend all that time looking into things and then forgetting them!

Pride - this will sound awful, but I used to hope I had something like dyspraxia - at least then, there would be a reason for the way I am - but I don’t think I do.
You should look into it if you think you have an undiagnosed condition - at least that would explain it for you.

Hmmwhatatodo - yep, bookcase of books and I can barely remember any of them. I can cram info for a very short period in v high pressure situations, like exams. But then it’s lost and gone forever...

Choc- there's no way of us knowing if you're mediocre at your job or actually very good and 'simply' suffering from imposter syndrome. However, spending your working life feeling constantly on edge and anxious about being 'found out' is no way to live. It's so hard when you are ambitious and want to progress but feel like you lack the capability to achieve it. You sound smart and switched on though, so I'm pretty sure you're better than you think you are. I can't remember ANYTHING from my degree either!! I also have to REALLY engage with books, programmes, presentations etc if I'm to stand a chance of remembering them. Perhaps you have a different learning style - kinaesthetic, for example.

I also have massive insecurities about my ability at work although work seem to want to give me more responsibility, over the past month I think I have developed IBS, I am rushing to the loo before work when I used to be constipated and going again when I get there and its really unpleasant. I'm doing my current role on a temporary basis but am really suffering with anxiety over it.
When I talk about not doing it anymore and dropping back down to a more hands on role, I'm plagued by the feeling I will be letting people down (work and family) who have these expectations of me, when all I want is an easy life where I'm not constantly worrying about work and how much of a fraud I am. Like you I really enjoy writing, but running a small team is really hard for me.

Had to google “kinaesthetic” - does sound a bit like me! Can never focus in a lecture-style scenario.

You’re right, whatever the reality, I can’t continue feeling like this. Myidentity, ahhh yes, the IBS strikes if I know I have a tricky meeting/situation coming up....

I feel like I am going to be found out any day, and have bern doing my job 8 years in different places. I scrape through things and just feel a bit shit about how I do my job. Should have done loads tonight, after doing an extra day at work today, but instead have put it off and am laid in bed worrying about it all! I also think that everyone knows I'm shit and feel a bit sorry for me and see me as a joke. Maybe I'm just really paranoid?!

Sorry for all the typos! Awful!! Good grief, can't even type clearly!

Oh karlakitten, it’s horrid worrying about work when you’re at home, isn’t it?

To give you a bit more insight into my shitness- you know how most jobs have an element of routine, or basic procedures that you do all the time? These are the things I forget. Every project I do has some basic steps -or rules that are always the same. And I cannot get them in my head.
Come to think of it, I’ve been like that in all my jobs.... I was a p/t cocktail waitress when I was at school. Not once did I master making a cocktail without referring to the recipe....

I know how you feel, including how you feel regarding your friends. I really, really doubt my ability to do my job, I am trying to change industries but worry I'll still struggle! I struggle to pick up new skills and processes and get very nervous and under confident about this. I have been diagnosed dyspraxic and find this so frustrating and limiting.

It is yes, I thought I was the only one or one of a few, as so many people seem so confident and just get on. Like today, in the car park, people leaving, me arriving, all next to where I parked....all ignored me and laughed with each other. I smiled, but was blanked. Often feel like I am just a joke! I know people have more important things to think about and I'm not one of them. I just feel like they think I'm a knob!!!! I think any job I've felt like I'm going to be found out. So is it that we are shit, or is it all in our heads and actually many of us feel the same as everything is such high pressure all the time??