AIBU to feel the need to do something?

[User348866336799]

Hi, pls be gentle with me, not sure what to do or what I can do. With all the revelations about high profile paedophiles acting in plain view of public and now the Larry Nasser gymnast doctor issue I can't stop thinking about something from my past. There was a man working at an organisation involving lots of teenage girls. At the time rumours were always circulating about him and his behaviour, strong suggestions of inappropriate behaviour and formal complaints to the leader of the organisation who (I realise in hindsight) would have done anything to protect the reputation of the place. Again, in hindsight, his behaviour was incredibly manipulative and controlling and sometimes a bit odd, he had a certain hold over girls, especially the 'fashionable/pretty' ones even though he was really not in any way attractive. In hindsight, I would absolutely believe he was capable of grooming girls. I never witnessed anything first hand other than him taking a (almost always pretty) girl away into a separate closed room to talk through where she had made mistakes or needed extra help with something, there was always a strange air to it, esp when they would both emerge. There would also be a bizarre feeling of envy among some girls towards the one that received the 'special' attention. I was not in that fashionable group at the time so was much less aware of it all as I clearly wasn't in his sights but I do recall once when he held my arm completely unnecessarily while he walked me down as he talked about how angry and disappointed he was when I had made a mistake. I know this sounds very crazy as nothing actually happened but all these years later I realise now that there was something quite sensual, inappropriate and uncomfortable about the way he gripped my arm. I recently found out that this man now heads up his own organisation with access to hundreds of teenage girls who use the services. Alarmingly, there was a news report that a conpletely different man working there has been charged with possession of child pornography/inappropriate behaviour with children. It's all been 'properly' dealt with by the organisation, immediate dismissal, public outcry, support for victims etc but I can't help thinking there might be something far worse, far deeper going on and this one guy was caught out and expected to take the fall for it. I could just imagine in a few years, a couple of brave girls bringing allegations against the man I knew and then the floodgates opening.. Having now my own DC I just feel a bit sick thinking what other people's DDs might be going through with this man esp as he is now in a position of authority. On the other hand, I have nothing to actually base any sort of complaint on and am worrying about something that may never have happened.

I completely understand how torn you must feel over this, and no one more than I wants to protect children and call out any and all abusers, BUT... you have absolutely no proof whatsoever that this man is a true predator. Yes, he grabbed your arm. A dick move but not one which could be used to label him a child predator. You bringing unfounded accusations against this man could literally destroy his life. I saw this happen to a family friend. A teenage girl accused him of molesting her. Two months later during the subsequent investigation after his arrest, she admitted that she lied. She was a troubled girl from a troubled home. He was vindicated but it was all TOO LATE. He lost his job, his marriage imploded, and he is a shell of himself. Think very long and hard before you do something that you can't ever undo.

You want to report a man which could potentially ruin his reputation/ life and tear his family apart, because he held your arm and because girls envied each other for attention from him, yet you have no proof he actually did anything?

Unless one of those girls told you they were abused by him I would drop it,

Thanks for your replies. I completely understand the impact a false accusation can have on an individual's life and the lasting ramifications that continue far beyond once the person is cleared. I'm not suggesting I'd report the arm incident which clearly wasn't enough by itself to raise any kind of complant.

I'm sorry to dripfeed but coincidentally, an old friend just shared an article about another man who was also a member of the team at this organisation when we were teenagers. This man relocated and was working in a new organisation but has just, after all these years been jailed for possessing images of childen and placed on the sex offenders' register!! I'm just feeling like there must have been something going on but have no idea what I could possibly do about it.

Let's just say you did report what was happening at that time. I don't think that would be enough to investigate it would however be enough to potentially corroborate if someone who had been assaulted/abused came forward.

Perhaps you could speak to the police and ask what would happen to the information if you made a statement? Perhaps there has been 1 or 2 accusations against him but as it's historic not sufficient to investigate?

I agree with PP. nothing happened to you and you'd be reporting someone on a hunch which isn't right

Theres nothing you can do as theres nothing to report. Usually I'm all over things like this but in your post theres NOTHING to say this man has committed a crime.

You have nothing, nothing happened to you, you cannot do anything, forget it, IF the man did anything and IF someone he did something to wants you come forward that is their business, it is not up to you, someone who nothing happened to, to open wounds or destroy lives. I have no idea what I could possibly do about it nothing you do nothing

I agree with Random
Speak to the police about what you saw, him taking girls aside etc.
They will tell you if they will take your statement.
Your information might help to corroborate someone else's story. They may already be dealing with complaints about him.
If they feel it's not of interest at least you will know and you can stop wondering.

Rather than go straight to the police you could actually speak to some of your peers who were there. See if theyve got the same suspicions and if anyone has made an allegation about him? Specifically the girls he seemed to favour?
If the feedback you get from them is not of concern then you do have to let it go

Speak to the Police, they're not idiots, they won't go storming down there, but they may well be looking at him or have him down as of interest, if he's flagged on the system as of interest then they will be aware of that in any contact they have with him, I.e. if he gets stopped for a traffic incident and has a girl in the car they will do the extra checks that everything is okay. If they don't know then they can't look until it's too late.

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Among the few friends I still have from those days, they have the same view of it as I do - it was an open secret at the time that he had some kind of dark side and was under investigation/had complaints made about him. We didnt. I'm not in touch with his 'favourites'. I suppose seeing the tv advert about reporting unwanted sexual behaviour on public transport where individual reports help to build a bigger picture so that police can piece things together has been on my mind. Maybe raising my concerns could contribute to previous complaints against him or crystallise things somehow.

Sorry, posted too soon, I meant to say we didn't understand the seriousness of it, we were not v streetwise and most of us very innocent. The most everyday example was where he would watch girls going up and down spiral staircases we had in the building so he could look up their skirts or that he would always seem to add innuendos into conversations or that he when he was supervising girls he would always stand up against some equipment, obviously pressing his manhood against it - all of this only when there were no parents or other adults around. At the time, we thought he was a sad case more than a threat and didn't appreciate how inappropriate this all was.