Aunties dog.....

[bitzy12]

This isn't really an AIBU but I didn't know where else to post and would like others opinions.....

Now let me start off by saying I know it's devastating when a pet dies. I really really do, I've been there as a child and an adult. It's awful, especially when the pet has been a big part of your lives for such a long time....like my aunties dog

Her dog was put to sleep about 7 weeks ago now. Lived to a very good age and had a lovely life.

I don't see them that often as they don't live close but we are very very close.....but sometimes I just find my aunty so so hard to deal with

Herself and my uncle have a teenage daughter - an only child.

So the dog sadly passed away which we knew was coming as she's mentioned it a lot recently but:

• she's put a massive tribute to the dog on Facebook (which is fair enough) saying how unexpected it was and how shocked they all are. This isn't true, they knew it was coming

• she has compared losing the dog to losing a child. She messaged me to say they had just lost their 'first born'

• she has asked me to comment on her fb posts regarding the dog passing. I don't know what to put because she's really frustrating me......I don't feel like putting anything

• she's asked me to send my cousin a sympathy card. This is where my problem is. I am not sending my cousin a sympathy card. In my view, yes it's sad, it's horrendous even, I know this. But my aunty is really dragging this whole thing out. I know my cousins gutted she's lost the dog but I also know she's very strong and has a mature mind with things like this. She's old enough to understand that the dog had an amazing life and it's best she's been put to sleep as she had suffered enough. But I feel my aunty is putting so much pressure on my cousin to feel sad.

If it were me, I'd try my best to stay upbeat (as gutted as I would be inside), id make my children aware that the dog had an good life and how lucky we were to have them for so long etc etc

I know my aunty is different to me and that's fine but I really feel she's just dragging this or for sympathy. Every day she's posting poems, pictures, she's made a shrine, saying she can't stop crying and every day is getting harder.

She only has one child And obviously my cousin is very much the centre of my aunty and uncles life. When I got married, I was only going to have one bridesmaid - my daughter - but my aunty sent an email to my whole family saying she didn't want my cousin to not feel part of the wedding and I ended up feeling so pressured by it that she ended up being a bridesmaid too. It wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted my daughter and we didn't have the money to be buying extra dresses etc.

Everytime I see her she will tell me how she's fallen out with someone new - it's never ever her fault. It's always the parents of children who have upset my cousin. She also doesn't speak to anyone else in our family our my uncles. It's just us. She's not close to my dad either. Quite close to my mum though.

I'm starting to feel like we might end up the same way now. I don't feel comfortable sending my cousin a sympathy card 7 weeks after the dog has passed away. I know my cousin is ok with it as I've messaged her on and off. So what do I reply with? Or shall I just do it just the keep the peace?

I think I’d send the card, not becuase I agree with your auntie, but becuase your cousin is going to end up isolated and also your cousin will be the one hearing her winge about it if you don’t.

I feel sorry for your cousin, your auntie sounds a pain but she isn’t your mum if you see what I mean.

It isn't really about the dog, is it. She sounds like everything ends up being about her. I don't think she is treating her daughter well, and I don't think I could enable her in that.

It would cost you so little to be kind to her in her grief. What’s the point in being petty when you might do lasting damage to a relationship. And I guarantee you there is something you go on about that others privately roll their eyes at. You sound a bit mean, really.

I would send a card so she can't slate you. They sound unhinged but you don't need to be declared a bitch!

she has compared losing the dog to losing a child. She messaged me to say they had just lost their 'first born'

Fucking hell.

I don't think I sound mean. I was there for her 100% when the dog passed away. But that was 7 weeks ago. I've spoken to my cousin a fair few times and she's absolutely fine. If anything I should be sending a card to my aunty. Not my cousin. She will probably open it and think 'wtf, I don't need this'

My aunty always going on about the 'tough times' my cousin has had but in reality, there has been anything that would be considered tough. Not compared to what others go through. She's lost her grandmothers but when she was very young.

I don't want to fall out with my aunty under any circumstances so I probably will send a card. But not a sympathy one. Something light and funny as I feel she could probably use that at the min.

I got a bit list with your post but speaking as a veterinary nurse I have seen a whole spectrum of grief when people lose pets. From stiff upper lip to total devastation and inability to cope.

When I lost my first dog I almost had a breakdown and it was the beginning if a really hard period of my life. The Grief was visceral and overwhelming. It felt much more raw than when I lost my father. Not because I didn't live my dad but it was like I couldn't allow the grief for him. I don't think I ever have.

Send the card - she sounds like she has a lot of issues. It costs very little.

There are pet bereavement services available from the blue cross I believe.

Don't underestimate the impact of a pet on someone - the bond runs deep.

This starts off about her dog but you then go on to rant about past events that you clearly still have issues with. Like a PP said I don't think this is ultimately about the dog.

For some people a pet is just that. I nice animal companion. For others, pets are more than that. They become part of your family and when they die you literally lose a member of the family. 7 weeks might seem excessive to you but everyone deals with grief in different ways and it can take a person days / weeks / months and even years to get other the death of a loved one. So for that reason YUBU.

I am on borrowed time with my dog... with whom I have spent every day of the past 14 years with. I can assure you it will take me more than seven weeks to move on when the time comes. Don’t be so vile.

You've never owned a dog, have you?

Come back when you actually have lost a dog that you've owned, built your life around, nurtured, walked, fed, cuddled, trained... and then you lose them and know that you will never see them again.

Your aunt is grieving, and she has every right to do so. Belittling her grief is unnecessary.

Yes I know - I have been through losing a pet a fair few times. I know people grieve for their animals. I have been there and said in my post that I KNOW it's a horrible thing to go through.

But I do not like the way she is bringing my cousin into it. The thing about my wedding is just another point where she has used my cousin and 'her feelings' into something that it's not.

My cousin stays with us every school holidays, she's great, happy and upbeat - for a teenager girl she's really lovely lol. The way my aunty portrays her and the was she actually is doesn't add up. And this is why so many people have fallen out with her unfortunately. It's like she has her own feelings but puts them into my cousin.

I've owned 3 dogs in my life and have pictures of them all over my house.

I got told on Wednesday that my dog now has weeks to live.

We had a cancer diagnosis in Autumn last year so we knew it would come but this is a very aggressive cancer and her last scan showed slow growth of the tumours so we weren't prepared to be told it had come to this point at this scan.

We are going to have to make the choice at some point. She's been with me every day for the last 8.5 years. She's the reason I've done so much, including retraining that will allow me to go self employed and work anywhere, even abroad. Ha, she's also the reason I met my fiancé.

I am fucking devastated and a piece of my heart is going to die with her. I don't think I'll ever get over this completely. I'll put it away and move forward but my heart will forever be broken over her.

Send the card.

I can honestly say when my cat had to be pts it was devastating and almost a year on I still cannot look at his photo. It was far worse than when my father died (and we were very close). But that cat was my only friend he meant the world to me.

I'm very confused. Was it your cousins dog or your aunts?

If you don't want to send it directly to the cousin, why not send a card addressed to the family? Just a 'thinking of you' sort of thing. That should make your aunt happy as the cousin is still included, while sparing you having to put 'pressure' on your cousin directly.

It sounds like your aunt is struggling to cope to be honest - perhaps she just doesn't know to deal with her grief and wants to talk to someone about it.