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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So apparently this is my problem now according to DH

44 replies

ManyFloralBlouses · 03/02/2018 18:07

Many of you might recognise this back story so apologies.
Dh fell out with his dsis after the birth of our dd. His mum was trying to sort things out and got kind of desperate I supposed dragged me into it blamed me for the rift when the rest of the family acknowledged it was all Dh’s Sister.
Anyway his Mum lashed out at me a couple of times, ignored me on my wedding day etc but final straw was her ignoring our ds when he was seriously ill in hospital at that point I knew I could not be civil with her anymore so since then she’s seen the kids with Dh once a fortnight.
She’s asked a couple of times to Dh was the problem is but he’s not got into it with and she’s not contacted me. She addresses cards to the 3 of them not me and it feels like I’ve played into her hands I’m out of the picture for her essentially.
The wider family would only know her story as since Dh fell out with sis we cannot go to family parties as we were warned she wouldn’t be happy if we went.
I’ve just said to Dh the situation as it stands makes me feel resentful that it’s neber been tackled and his response was I’ve got to deal with it all. If my mum had treated my spouse and children the way she has I would have sorted this whole thing out instead it’s festered into another big mess.

OP posts:

Buck3t · 03/02/2018 19:27

NewYear The MIL can see her sons children.

No, as a matter of fact she can’t. Not if she can’t be civil and restrain herself. She has shown in the past she has no respect for OP when Op is there. Who knows what is said or done when OP is not there. Especially when OP’s DH does not put his mum in her place and stand by his wife.

Grandparents do not actually have rights of contact here.

AllTheWayDown · 03/02/2018 19:31

A very similar thing happened to me a good few years ago, dh and mil had an argument and mil said some very horrible things about me so dh had words and stopped talking to her (more of a story but this isn't my thread) We haven't seen or spoke to her in nearly 5 years and she's never met our dd.

My point is your dh should have your back. Leaving you out of cards, your leaving your own house to facilitate her fgs, that is not on and your dh shouldn't expect you to do that, she's probably loving every single bit of it. You shouldn't have to do anything. It should be your dh.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/02/2018 19:34

Your DH is the problem, not your MIL / SIL. Why on earth is he not standing up for you? His obvious lack of support has made this much worse. And leaving you off Christmas cards? Why on earth didn't he read the read the riot act to his mother the first time she did this?

Winteriscoming18 · 03/02/2018 19:36

Out of interest what did your dh and dsis fallout? I’m on the other side I’m the dsis and gone nc with my dbro and Sil due to behaviour on their part and although the family agree with me and don’t particularly like Sil my dm is pleasant to her despite disagreeing with her behaviour.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2018 19:36

Interesting how the DH is responsible for the actions of others.

Scaredofthegym · 03/02/2018 19:40

This is DH fault - he should stand up for you. And agree leaving the house whilst mil visits is ridiculous. She'll twist it to others that you leave to avoid her when she goes round.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2018 19:48

He wants me to a make s decision of how to go forward.

Tell him that your decision is that he will confront his mother and tell her that if she doesn't treat his wife (you) with respect then she (MiL) will not have a relationship with any of you.

Buck3t · 03/02/2018 19:52

Boney not sure why this has to be spelt out to you. DH is not responsible for the actions of others. He is responsible for his inaction in protecting his family.

GabsAlot · 03/02/2018 19:54

so he wont stand up for you even though he knows none of this was your fault and you leave your own house to avoid your mil

you have a dh problem as the saying goes

Jaxhog · 03/02/2018 19:55

why should your children be subjected to a woman, who doesn’t respect or care for them or their mother
Your DH needs to man-up to his mother and tell her that you come as a package. Either you all go, or no-one does.

I would also be visiting/inviting the other family members. That way, they'll also know that MiL and SiL are the problem, not you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2018 19:56

Buck3t

Not sure why it has to be spelt out to you, But that is exactly what posters are saying.

Yes he is responsible for his inaction, but not for his mother, sister of extended family.

As far as I can see (form the OP) he has asked what she wants to happen, maybe if she vocalises what she would like then he can act on it.

Jaxhog · 03/02/2018 19:58

I meant to add that cards sent to your family that exclude you, should be resealed and returned.

BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 20:22

You have a DH problem. He has failed to stand up to his mother to you. He should have made it clear a long time ago that her treatment of you was unacceptable, and if it continued, none of you would be spending time with her.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/02/2018 20:30

You should invite the auntie found, as suggested up thread.
Confide in her, hear another woman's perspective.
Your DH, in his opinion, has done his bit, now it's down to you.
Talk it through, it's never too late, maybe you can get back on track, maybe not. Good luck.

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2018 20:35

He wants me to a make s decision of how to go forward.

Be clear that this doesn't mean he gets to moan at you later when 'your' decision doesn't go down well with his mum. You need to present a united front now. Tell him he has let you down previously by not doing this and that is the central thing that you want to change.

Oh and don't ever leave your house so that his mum can come round again. There's quite a difference between allowing her to see them and making yourself into a doormat to allow her to do so.

Buck3t · 03/02/2018 23:23

Boney the point is he wouldn’t need to ask, IF he had had her back. Now at this stage, no doubt from OP speaking up, he’s saying it’s down to her to decide how it should be sorted. Like the mental load she carries isn’t enough. He should have protected her from his abusive family. She should not have to rescue the situation. I didn’t read one poster saying he was responsible for Sil and mil’s actions. It’s all about how he hasn’t dealt with it. It’s his family and he feels cards sent to his home with no recognition of his life partner is fine. He needs his wife to spell that out? Smh

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/02/2018 09:52

Buck3t

And nothing to do with how his wife is dealing with it?
Leaving her home so Mil can visit (fuck that)
Not going to events that they have been invited to

The OP needs to stop being so passive, put on her big girl pants and make some fucking noise, and if it kills the relationship, was the relationship worth keeping.

All of this "he should know", "he should have her back", yet no talk of FOG or how families condition each other to put up with shit behaviour.

OP talk to him, and TELL him what you are thinking and feeling.

Buck3t · 04/02/2018 12:14

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, the title is about him saying she needs to sort it. so she has told him it's not right. That's pretty clear. That something needs to change. He's just confused as to who ought to be making the change.

Yeah leaving her house is not sensible but maybe she was raised to defer to 'her man'. May be that's her FOG issue, that she needs to work on.

Personally we seem to all have some 'reason' why we can't do the right thing. there isn't a valid one for you life partner, the person you have chosen, to be ignored by YOUR family. No matter how many acronyms we come up with to excuse you.

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 23:20

Why are you getting blame for this it started with dh n now it's u're fault I would tell him he's out of order putting this on u he should have your back as my are his priority as you are the family he started and u're mil didn't bother when child was in hospital so why is she getting contact now and as for being rude on your wedding day when she's a guest ure husband should have asked her to leave tell him to sort him self out u no longer want anything to do with his warped family and u're child won't either x

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