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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get involved in smacking incident

21 replies

Schmee3 · 02/02/2018 23:53

Whilst at playgroup today I witnessed a grandmother smack her grandson on the bum twice. The first time was a light smack, the second about a minute later I'd describe more as a hard 'whack'. It's not something you often see, i was a bit shocked and it made me feel a little uncomfortable. My friend also witnessed this and was outraged. We had much discussion at the playgroup as she wanted to approach the playgroup leader, the gran, the mum or even the police! I said she should maybe calm down and think about it so she left it but has texted tonight to see what 'we' should do.

I don't smack and I don't agree with what I saw but I'm not sure it's my business to get involved or what it would achieve. I also worry too much and think of extremes like what if the child got taken away as a result of something my friend said. I haven't replied yet and I don't know what to say or do. Any advice? I know what happened was wrong but being totally honest I'd rather not get involved. I wish I'd never seen it!

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 02/02/2018 23:58

Was it hard enough to leave a mark?

If not then you were right...it's upsetting to see but the law at the moment says no mark must be left.

DancingLedge · 03/02/2018 00:02

There's no chance a child would be removed for one/two smacks.

People have different views on smacking.

I don't think it's a good idea, like I guess most of us don't nowadays. Clearly, if the first smack was followed by a second, it's not working: the child and the carer need a different approach.

Any playgroup will have a policy on smacking. Standard ones say, absolutely not allowed, not by playgroup workers , or carers whilst at playgroup.So it would be entirely appropriate to speak to the leader/manager about this incident. Even if the child is being directly looked after by their own carer, it's inappropriate and possibly distressing for other children to witness.

Plus as well as asking them not to do it, the leader might be able to discuss more kind and effective ways of guiding a child.

lifetothefull · 03/02/2018 00:04

Smacking is not illegal in England if that is where you are as long as it doesn't leave a mark. Do you know the mum? She might want to know. This might not be how she would chose to parent. How you go about informing her is a tricky one.

Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:04

I can't say 100% about being hard enough to leave a mark, quite possibly not and I just over reacted as I was shocked at seeing it but not sure

OP posts:
Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:08

I'd never seen the grandmother before so I don't know the mum either. I'd never thought about the playgroup having a policy, I might mention this to my friend and suggest she asks the leader (hopefully on her own!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:11

Yeah I realise smacking is not illegal which is why I am thinking I don't need to get involved. I guess the strong reaction of my friend has just made me wonder whether i am being a bit weak by not getting involved. Or maybe i'm just over thinking things as always!

OP posts:
Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:12

Some useful advice on here already, appreciate it guys thanks

OP posts:
FarmerSee · 03/02/2018 00:14

It's not something I agree with, and I wouldn't enjoy seeing it. But unless it was really aggressive in that it would leave a mark, or its a common regular occurrence, I'd personally leave it.

If however I noticed it becoming a regular thing I'd probably have a chat with the playgroup leader.

MargotLovedTom1 · 03/02/2018 00:16

"I don't think it's a good idea, like I guess most of us don't nowadays. Clearly, if the first smack was followed by a second, it's not working: the child and the carer need a different approach."

Whilst I don't agree with smacking, how many children need only one session on the 'naughty step', or one removal of iPad privileges, or one gentle chat, then they never exhibit the undesirable behaviour again?!

Imagineallthepeople · 03/02/2018 00:18

Children are the only people in our society who we can legally hit.

The law says it's ok as long as you don't leave a mark

It makes no sense to me. How horrible to witness this OP.

GrockleBocs · 03/02/2018 00:19

I would have a word with the organisers of the group. They may know the child's details to keep an eye out or pass to HV.

Iloveanimals · 03/02/2018 00:19

Hate smacking Angry

buttonhead101 · 03/02/2018 00:21

If I witnessed that I would say something at the time or to the playgroup leader. Hitting a child is NEVER ok.

Lalliella · 03/02/2018 00:21

Are you sure she was a gran? She might be an old looking mum

Anyway, smacking is horrible, talk to the playgroup about it. Or get your friend to.

Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:23

It's late so I think i'll text my friend in the morning and suggest she mention it to the playgroup leader so they can keep an eye out and hopefully leave it at that. Hopefully it was a one off and won't happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schmee3 · 03/02/2018 00:24

Yeah I'm 99% sure it was a gran, definitely too old to be the mum anyway

OP posts:
springtulip · 03/02/2018 00:30

What an awful woman, poor child. Makes you wonder, if the nan does it, do the parents too.

BMW6 · 03/02/2018 00:32

TBH I was smacked as a child, with open hand never with belt or anything else. If Dad smacked you would see the hand print in redness for an hour or so.
I can honestly say it hasn't affected me at all, nor have I gone on to to be violent towards children myself. I have never ever smacked a child because I never had cause to - my scary do-as-I-say-right-now-no-messing-around voice has served instead.

BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:39

As an aside I find it utterly ludicrous that you "don't leave a mark" and it'seems legsl. WTAF??

Why is snacking even legal in this country and what is a grandmother smacking a child? I would end my marriage if I found DH smacking one of our DC!

GrockleBocs · 03/02/2018 00:44

BMW . I have never ever smacked a child because I never had cause to
Define cause to? I was smacked. I don't think there's ever a cause to smack a child. It's an admission of a loss of control to hit a child.

ButFirstTeaa · 03/02/2018 00:45

Agree beagal, Hate smacking and I would be fuming if that was my mum or DH Mum smacking my child

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