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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner to leave

18 replies

charley30 · 02/02/2018 23:49

I am desperate please help me I'm in despair and need advise . My partner left to stay in his mums at night as she was unwell . But continued to come here everyday and expect things to go on as normal . He is a manipulative narcissistic man who hasn't touched me in 12 years . I am a shadow of my former self . I have had health problems for two years now and I realised that this man was adding to them by not showing me love or care . Or by being a proper partner re money and helping me and all the support I need as a parent . My teen has been ok from September as she understood I was feeling better when he wasn't here and I made the mistake of ignoring him completely and doing what he has always done to me . My child has suffered because of this . He would be quite happy to live like this for the rest of his days . I have not been to a solicitor as I thought he would eventually get the messsge . But no he continues to be the parent he has always been by driving her where she needs to go but not acknowledging my existence . Since Christmas I don't know what has happened. She had completely turned on me and says that I am trying to take her away from her dad and that I have ruined her life . She has become angry and aggressive to the point I cannot sit in the same room as her . I have to add my health problems have left me with anxiety and depression also due to lack of support and love . I have always been a brilliant mum but Iv had to do it on my own but basically I allowed this man to live in my home not contribute to our daughters care and or join us as a family . I could not cope with this any longer to the point that I developed agoraphobia and I was do strong before Christmas . I have always had the love of my daughter to see me through these hard and lonely times . She had just told me that he has asked her to go to a friends caravan over the mid term break . He did this in the summer also leaving me very unwell with no one as I have no family or friends . He is doing it again .please help me . My daughter hates me and tells me so . I am devastated and am trying to rein her in and explain that her dad walked out on me and I have never stopped her having a relationship with him but for my mental and physical health I am better if he leaves . Which he will not do . House is in my name . I'm losing everything . I detest what he has done to me and now my daughter

OP posts:
RickOShay · 03/02/2018 00:18
Flowers Have you got any support in real life? It is ok for you to tell him to leave,perhaps it would be easier for you if you had some one to help you
lifetothefull · 03/02/2018 00:21

The only pearl of wisdom I have to offer from my experience is that there is a heap of difference between a child telling you they hate you and them actually hating you. She is feeling angry, maybe fed up, frustrated and a heap of other things, but her love for you will still be there underneath. Allow her to go with her dad for the week if that's what she wants to do. Get yourself some help that doesn't involve relying on your daughter.

Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 00:56

I don't know why I haven't but I feel I was protecting my daughter but I am damaging myself . I need to but no hand no support

OP posts:
Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 00:59

Thank u I do not rely on my daughter for any emotional or physical support . He is manipulating her in to feeling sorry for him . He cannot sit with her ask her about her friends or life or even eat dinner with her . He is taking her away as he is controlling the situation and she will go as she is afraid of hurting him . It is him that is relying on her for emotional and physical support not me thank you for the enlightenment

OP posts:
highinthesky · 03/02/2018 01:00

You need help, and pronto. The first thing would be to get your head straight, and for that to happen you need to be free of this emotional manipulation.

Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 01:28

How can I do that when he walks into my home every day . I will be making an app with solicitor . I want counselling for my daughter and me but I am afraid of anyone thinkinv I cannot cope . I can cope and have done on my own for 15 years

OP posts:
Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 01:32

I have not spoken a word to him since sept this was the wrong thing to do but I could not bring myself to because he could still have looked after his mother at night but still been a partner and parent but he could not manage that . He has used me as a doormat for so long I was past caring . It wasn't til he walked out I felt peace in my own home . His dysfunctional way of living has had a profound effect on my self esteem and Health . I need him to stay away from me and to see my daughter under the terms that he receives counselling for his problems

OP posts:
Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 01:34

My head was totally straight about him going to look after his mother . I had the break I needed but he will not let go and continues to have control over me . Since Christmas my daughter has developed a feeling sorry for him as this is what he does when he tries to manipulate people

OP posts:
highinthesky · 03/02/2018 01:40

What you need is to have an injunction served to prevent him coming anywhere near you. Whether a solicitor thinks you have reasonable grounds on which to apply is a different matter.

Bear in mind that this course of action is not going to help your relationship with your daughter.

lucylouuu · 03/02/2018 01:56

please don't get upset and worry about what's already happened, you're taking steps in the right direction in terms of contacting a solicitor and getting therapy for you and your daughter. Like a PP said there's a big different between her saying she hates you and her actually hating you. Thinking of you Thanks

lucylouuu · 03/02/2018 01:58

PS please don't worry about people thinking you can't cope or judging you, you and your daughters relationship is more important

Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 02:59

Thank you for saying that . I know it won't help our relationship but this is worse I know that now

OP posts:
tomatosalt · 03/02/2018 03:10

This sounds a lot like parental alienation. Without wishing to distress you further do you think that your partner is manipulating your DD behind your back? I grew up in a family where this happened and my stepfather was so sneaky about it. He constantly undermined my DM to us kids and would provide us with lifts, presents etc when we acted out towards her.

Addy2 · 03/02/2018 03:56

Sorry, couldn't work it out from your OP, but have you actually told him you want to end the relationship? If you've just started ghosting him out of the blue he may not realise what you want. If you want him to move out you should probably tell him that. You also should probably explain to your daughter what's going on, but be careful not to say anything derogatory about her dad as it is unhelpful to do so and will only drive a wedge. As tempting as it may be to lay blame at your partner's feet, she won't thank you for it. Maybe frame it more as a 'no longer happy together' thing? I'd also seek therapy if I were you. Sorry if I'm reading your post wrong and you've done these things already.

Original poster
charley30 · 03/02/2018 11:04

Thank you for your input and I'm sorry you had to go through that with your stepfather . It certainly feels like that as she has started to shout and scream at me when he is here of course he never intervenes or supports me and never has done but probably enjoys that I'm being roared at .

OP posts:
tomatosalt · 04/02/2018 02:09

thealienationexperience.org.uk/resources/
I just found this website that seems to have a lot of interesting resources which you might find useful.

Original poster
charley30 · 04/02/2018 04:24

Thank u tomatosalt

OP posts:
laura65988 · 08/02/2018 08:08

Please give ure self a shake u don't have time to feel sad or anxious u need to get ure game face on and fight this fucker back or u are going to be in this situation forever and he's clearly telling ure daughter stuff she's 15 time for a few home truths sir her arse down and tell her exactly what daddy has and is doing to u I mean the truth don't sugar coat it as he's currently manipulate ure daughter no fucking way u don't do that to a teenage daughter and now she is saying she hates tell her to sit her arse down as u are her mother and u have accepted being a door mat for her father for years u are certainly not putting up with her doing it tell her before u say u hate me tell her the truth and I mean every bit of it u are no longer protecting this prick anymore and after say so in future before u go around hurting people feelings without fact u can pack ure clothes and move with ure father as I am not taking it any more Ian not being bullied in my own house anymore and for a start u are not to go on no holiday till u can start treeing me with the same love and respect I've shown u for the past 15 year do this exactly how I've just told u it's time to get ure life back and let this dick no there's nothing u can do anymore as I am no longer under ure control ryt now u may have not spoke to him since September yet he swans in u're house tells u he's taking daughter away and then fills her head with lies about u that ure now willing to be spoke to her like that u myt think I'm harsh for telling u to say that to daughter but she's 15 yes u love her unconditional but I've just said u have no one but her and he's talking her away to punish u cause he thinks ure going to fall apart he using ure child and u're allowing him to do and letting her say shit with out hearing the truth do not engage in any form of communication wif him apart from ask when the holiday is as ure going to treat ureself as we are no longer together and she's 15 so I'm getting myself back out there to see what there is as it's time I looked after me now he will not no what to say u do it with confidence no more moping about cause of this idiot and change the locks not much he can do if he can't actually get in go to women's aid and Start living life is rather sleep on the street than have him invading my space u will be rid of him give daughter the choice but accept her choice on knowledge u get ure own property she will be back with u tell her u will see her everyday u cannot stay anymore as u have had enough xx

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