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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad that I have no friends or social life.

46 replies

Microwaved111 · 02/02/2018 19:54

So I'm 26...and I honestly couldn't think of anyone to call if I was having a really hard day. Or even just someone to call for a chat and catch up.

Slowly but surely I have lost every single meaningful friendship...what is wrong with me?

I'm currently on mat leave returning to work in a couple of months time. I thought I'd made good friends at work but it became very clear that I hadn't made any friends at all after I left. I am very hurt by this and have vowed not to bother with anyone from work every again.

I'm sad though as I need a freind. As everyone does at some point. And I just don't have anyone. I am incredibly lonley.

Anyone else or is it just me?

OP posts:

Trying2bgd · 03/02/2018 13:30

If you can, volunteer to lead a baby group, you get to know the other volunteers and working together makes friendships less superficial. I found this much easier than trying to strike up conversations with random mums. Friendships can take time so don't give up too quickly. And unfortunately in the world we live in, it is often out of sight out of mind so try not to take it too personally and there are those of us who always have to organise which can be tiring and at times disheartening.

thecatsarecrazy · 03/02/2018 13:36

Im the same op. On my last day at work for mat leave one person wished me luck just 1! Its clear since ive been back they don't want me there. Giving me days and hours i said at the start of me working there i can't do eg sunday when there's no bus. Ive tried again with mum and baby group but don't get into a conversation so don't go again.

MadMags · 03/02/2018 13:43

I thought I'd made good friends at work but it became very clear that I hadn't made any friends at all after I left. I am very hurt by this and have vowed not to bother with anyone from work every again.

What’s making you think this?

Also the other girl on Mat Leave - she’s going to be busy, just like you! She might be taking time to adjust, she might be waiting for you to return to pick up a casual friendship again?

I’m just curious about what happened because (gently!) it could be that you’re expecting more from them than they know?

falang · 03/02/2018 13:46

I made friends when my children were little by going to local toddler groups. All my friends worked and none had children. I went to a different group every day so I always had something to do. Try it if you are able to.

Hohofortherobbers · 03/02/2018 14:14

It's a massive shift in your social life and really tough. Try and think of any mum's you are aquainted with through other people, having something in common is good. Wives of your husbands friends? Friends of your childless friends who have children? Your parents friends children? Sisters of your childless friends? If you do meet up with someone, make arrangements to meet again and do something that will become a routine, Mum and baby swimming for example. That way you're beginning to create a schedule for yourself. I tried to treat mat leave like work. Network and schedule etc, I wasn't very good at nit knowing what I'd do one day to the next

meredintofpandiculation · 03/02/2018 14:35

Friends come and go in different times of your life and different areas of your life. So work friends might not "fit" while you're on maternity leave, but may come back into their own when you're at work. Friends almost always drift away, either physically or because their life is going in a different direction, so you need to be continually adding friends to keep up the supply. I've found it easiest to make friends through a shared purpose - not just attending a group I'm interested in but getting in involved in the work running it. And look out for people needing a bit of help or a friendly word - one of my long term friends recently told me that when she nervously joined an internet group (long before social media), I was the person who gave her a kind answer to her question and didn't make her feel she'd asked something stupid. I hadn't noticed doing anything special, but out of that tiny seed a friendship was born.

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 03/02/2018 15:57

I suppose maybe I think that people are my close freind and in my opinion they are but to them I'm not a close freind so they don't see me as being very important?

How do you know if someone's a close freind then? Does speaking to them everyday and sharing things about our lives that we don't tell anyone count? Going away on girls weekends and sharing hotel rooms? Spending evenings on the weekends just the two of you at one of our houses? Making plans and putting things on our calendars for when I am on mat leave.

To go from.that to not one word of contact once I left work, and when I message it get replied to 4 days later with a really vague reply. To not even get one message of congratulations on the birth of dd knowing I was in hospital very ill.

What have i misinterpreted here if I was expecting too much? I'm really confused and hurt by one person in particular and I'm not sure what I've done wrong in the situation?

OP posts:

Trying2bgd · 03/02/2018 16:20

Sorry to hear this OP. From what you say this person is either hung up about you having a baby, going through some crisis herself or just being a completely crap person. You could ask her outright and see what she says. Whatever the outcome, I can't see how you've done anything wrong.

Nitrobetty1 · 03/02/2018 16:25

It sounds like your “friend” is perhaps envious now you have a baby. Or maybe she feels your baby is now your world. I’ve no friends & I’m lonely. I’m conscious as I get older of becoming totally isolated. And I’m married, work full time & have two sons. I used to have friends but think depression, life circumstances & some level of social anxiety have caused my friendships to fall away. Mainly due to me. How do you make adult friends? Outwardly I appear outgoing, confident & articulate but I feel very differently inside.

Bramble71 · 03/02/2018 16:27

I do feel for you, OP, and you are most definitely not the only one. I've got a few people I feel close to but, due to house moves/job changes etc, I hardly ever see. We're still in touch online, but not seeing them does hurt. I've not made any new friends in my new area as I'm a quiet soul and live in a rural area with mostly sheep for company!

Please don't give up on your work friends completely, unless they have done something really awful, of course. Are you planning on going to any mother and baby type groups at all? Hopefully there will be some other mams there who would love to go out for tea & cake etc.

It's hard work making new friends and a friendship takes maintenance from both parties. You're at a good starting point. I wish you all the best and hope you meet lots of new people very soon.

coastalchick · 03/02/2018 16:33

I feel the same OP. I feel like I've barely any friends and that I've always struggled to make friends. I now have 3 girlfriends I feel I can rely on and trust though 1 has just moved to Aus for a bit, another works every hour god sends and another has 2 kids and struggles to fit everything in with work. I know if there's a crisis (like when I had a MC) theyll be there (they were) but I rarely see them.

I'd like to have a group of friends I saw a lot. Hoping that when i have baby (am 6+6 but hoping this one works out) I meet some other mums

MadRainbow · 03/02/2018 16:41

Me too! But I've been aware for a long time that my friends are fair weather friends, I don't think I've actually had a BFF since before my first pregnancy. I ended up going to my cousin after my LG was born cos I knew she had kids and we naturally gelled. Sadly she lives 60 miles away and now has a very sickly baby, whilst I've been pregnant this time I can't make the trek to see her.

I didn't find baby groups helpful; I'm autistic and awkward as fuck but you might find a few gems there once baby is here.

whiteroseredrose · 03/02/2018 16:49

I'd keep trying with toddler groups and then school gate. That is where I met my friends. But you do have to play the long game and get to know people slowly.

People on here often say that they don't feel that they'd get on with playgroup or school gate mums as the only thing they have in common is that they have DC the same age. I've actually found that is more the case with work colleagues. If you move companies or jobs, the friendships are over as all you had in common was the same workplace. With the school gate mums we still have DC going through similar things 18 years later. Hence we're still friends!

Soozikinzii · 03/02/2018 16:53

You probably think everyone else has loads of friends when they actually don't every is just thinking the same as you xx

MissEliza · 03/02/2018 17:02

I had my first dc at the same age as you and had the same experience with my ex colleagues. I had also lost touch with most Uni and school friends as I had moved away. I think this happens to a lot of people in their 20s as there are so many life changes which upsets the balance of many relationships. Looking back having dc1 was quite a lonely time but I did eventually make friends with other mums I met along the way. Some friendships ebb away but some stick. I actually find the best friends I've made are ones I wasn't even looking for. My closest friend now is the mother of a boy my ds kept brawling with in Foundation! We kept getting called in by the teacher and we kind of bonded through trying to make the boys get along! I thought she was an overprotective parent at first and really didn't like her. I hope she never finds that out!

waterrat · 03/02/2018 17:06

Op. I am a really sociable and friendly person with a wide circle of friends. And I found mat leave cripplingly and painfully lonely. i cried often. Old friends were elsewhere and making new friends while sleep deprived just didnt seem to happen.

Since my kids have started school I am part of a social neighbourhood whirl! School is amazingly friendly and Ive found it very good for making friends.
Please dont give up. Its so hard to do new things while exhausted but you have your whole life ahead of you.

Puta note up in a local cafe asking for other mums with similar age kids?

lanbro · 03/02/2018 17:12

It's a horrible feeling...my closest friends now are a woman I met via Netmums about 5 years ago, a girl 13 yrs younger than me who I've known for years but got closer to in the last 6 months since she started working for me and a man I met in my coffee shop only a few months ago. You need to be open and proactive. A few great friends is better than loads of acquaintances

MadMags · 03/02/2018 17:23

Ouch! That does sound shit. And really bizarre!

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 03/02/2018 17:44

It's a really horrible feeling. Now I wonder if those people were just tolerating me instead of actually wanting to be my freind and when I went on mat leave saw the opportunity to drop me? I guess I will never know now. I need to move on from it and focus on new people and new freinds.

OP posts:

MadMags · 03/02/2018 17:48

Stick with the baby and toddler groups. Maybe a baby swim class.

And when nursery and school starts, you’ll make friends that way, too.

It doesn’t even matter if you felt closer to them than they did to you, to completely ignore you is mean and really weird!

whymewhyme · 03/02/2018 17:58

I'm the same, it's shit!

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