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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be worried about small family

18 replies

SharronNeedles · 02/02/2018 18:04

Okay, so I know this is probably silly but I'm worried.
So i grew up with a large family. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. DH and I both have 2 siblings but we are the only ones with a DC.
SIL doesn't want children
BIL would love them but is very much single
DB can't have children
DS doesn't want children.
Now I totally respect their choices and this is in no way a judgement or criticism of any of them. They are who they are and they want what they want. This isn't about that.
DH has said that after the traumatic birth and first few months of DSs life, he doesn't want any more children.
I'm so sad!
I've always wanted three kids. I know that I can't ask him to change his mind as that wouldn't be fair and I know how lucky I am to have DS in the first place.
But I've sort of just realised that DS won't have any siblings or cousins. Basically when he's older and when we've all gone, he'll have no one.
I know it's silly but as someone who grew up with lots of other children around, I feel sad that he won't.

I suppose I'm just after reassurance that it's okay! That small families are awesome and that I am being massively U because he will in no way suffer from not having what I just always assumed he would have.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 18:07

Family is what you make it. My mum had 7 siblings, My dad 2 I had 30-idd cousins, grew up together.The next generation is much, much smaller (think

kitkatsky · 02/02/2018 18:08

I can understand your feelings, but by the time you’re all gone he’ll mpre than likely have a family of his own. You’re thinking of him as he is now, rather than as he’ll be in 60 odd years (all being well) Plus things may change. Your DH or any of the other siblings/ in laws may change their mind or have a happy accident.

thecatsthecats · 02/02/2018 18:09

My dad is one of six, my mum one of four, and I'm one of four. Multiple cousins on both sides. And I am close to... My sister, only!

I do have lots of fantastic friends though OP Smile

kitkatsky · 02/02/2018 18:09

PS... I’m an only child with 5 cousins and I only speak to one of them, and even then maybe twice a year!!

EggsonHeads · 02/02/2018 18:10

He will probably marry someone with siblings/cousins and have nephews and nieces that way. I am in a similar position to your DS but myDH has two great siblings and some equally great cousins. I definitely don't feel alone. Don't worry-easier said than done I know!

mumpoints · 02/02/2018 18:11

Do your cousins have children?

Changednamejustincase · 02/02/2018 18:22

Why wouldn't you try and change his mind? Obviously he needs to be up for another if you are to have another with him but you could try and talk him round.

It is fine to have an only child but if you want another it is fine for you to express that and to possibly get another one. I don't want another but if my DH really wanted another one I would consider it. I would certainly weigh up his reasons.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/02/2018 18:29

Both my parents are one of two children in their own family. On my paternal side one grandparent was one of four, the other one of ten. On my maternal side, one was again one of four, the other the youngest of six.

My parents can’t name all their cousins, much less recognise them in the street.

My smaller pool of aunts/uncles and cousins is much closer.

Your child won’t suffer from being from a smaller family, honestly.

TeeniefaeTroon · 02/02/2018 18:31

I have about 30 cousins and only
close to one of them. Me and DH have 1 sibling each, mine can't have children and his died when he was 19 so there'll be no cousins for my kids. They are friends with the children of my friends though so they're the 'cousins' they'll never have.

Original poster
SharronNeedles · 02/02/2018 18:34

Not really. Out of my cousins the ones that do have children don't really live nearby or there are some I don't speak to for reasons I won't go in to

OP posts:
Original poster
SharronNeedles · 02/02/2018 18:39

changedname I have spoke to him about it and we will discuss this again but I wouldn't pressure him to have more if you know what I mean.
He nearly lost his wife out of nowhere and I don't think he can face being in that position again. Especially not if he had 2 children to take care of. Plus he doesn't think it would be fair on our DS if we put him in that position where he could lose his mum.
He knows I want more children so it's not off the table

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/02/2018 19:28

I think you'll be ok. Can you elaborate on "he nearly lost his wife"?

Glumglowworm · 02/02/2018 19:37

I have tons of cousins (over 20 first cousins), many of them I wouldn’t recognise if I met them in the street. I was never close to any of them. My parents are both from big families but aren’t close to their siblings, I’ve never heard either of them talk about cousins or aunts and uncles. I have one sister but we’ve been NC for over a decade.

Growing up, we had “aunties” who were mums of my friends and friends of my mum. Friends can be better than family anyway.

If you have lots of cousins, your children can have a similar relationship with your cousins children.

Pibplob · 02/02/2018 19:46

I had a traumatic first birth and was in intensive care for a few days after the birth. He says he came close to losing me but not sure how close that actually was to be honest. He also said he didn't want any more kids after that but we did end up having a second. My point is that he may change his mind in time. Talk to the doctor about it too. They may reassure you and come up with a care plan.

Original poster
SharronNeedles · 02/02/2018 19:56

I wasn't aware of it but I did technically die. To me I don't remember much but I went from being pregnant to being a mum and I don't remember the in-between. Apparently things went wrong and my heart stopped on the table.
He thought he was going to be a lone parent. He thought he had lost me.
I understand why he is so scared. Perhaps he will change his mind and if he does, that would be amazing, but I understand if he doesn't.

I just never pictures my son never having cousins or siblings.

OP posts:
OlBitey · 02/02/2018 20:01

With kindness OP is that incident likely to happen again with another pregnancy? If so it's going to be more important for your son to have you around than a sibling or a cousin.

Cousins often don't have much impact on someone's life. And you don't have any control over that anyway. Make the decision on whether to have more children on what's best for your family, rather than the likelihood of your son having cousins. They're not the same thing as siblings.

bridgetreilly · 02/02/2018 20:03

I have loads of cousins and siblings, but I'm not particularly close to any of them. Not like I am to my friends. Not now and not when I was a kid.

He'll be fine, OP.

Ohhgreat · 02/02/2018 20:07

Friends of ours had a similar story to you - she had 3 heart attacks less than 24hours after her son's birth. Her DH was of the same opinion as yours. 5 years down the line, the memories have faded and they're having another child.

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