To cut my mother out of my life?

[theforeignwoman]

Name change and a long story ahead but here goes:

I don't remember much of the time when I was very young, my dad left when I was around 6 or 7 (as she was very mentally abusive), and after that things got a whole lot worse. She dated around for a while only to eventually settle down in a house with a man who later turned out to be an abusive alcoholic.

When I was 12, we moved 4 hours away from everything I knew and things were fine in the start. A few months later though, my life turned into a living nightmare. I was constantly scared. He was drinking heavily and shortly after my mum started too - nowhere near as much as him though. Still, she put me in the car with him when he was drinking, they several times left me in the house to go drinking on a beach with me home alone, he physically beat her several times (my worst memory is having to protect my Mum with a knife), and I also had the police called I think at least two or three times. Everytime they had a 'bad' day, I would be given an iPod or a pony(!) or God knows what else to make things 'better'. I refused to go live with my Dad as my top 1 priority was to protect my Mum. For 5 years I was in that house with them until eventually, he left her. She was devestated. I moved out at 18 and have been on my own since then, however my mother is now clinging on to me more than ever. I never got an apology and everytime I try to bring up what happened in that house for those 5 years, her only answer is 'what could I have done, I had nowhere to go'. Even though I am fairly sure that's the best she will ever come up with, it is still not good enough in my head. There was ALWAYS a way to get us out of there. She didn't even TRY.

At 21 I fell in love with a man from the UK, moved here and, at 25 I am now pregnant with our first child. Life is good here, I love being away from everything back home and not have to deal with my past. I can sleep at night again. However, my partner has found a job in my homecountry and we are planning on moving back (this was always the plan as I have better chances of achieving a career in my own country). I can handle my mother from a distance (she facebooks me constantly, gets pissy when I don't reply etc.), but I am really worried how things are gonna be when we go back home. We have a trip planned for the two of them to meet in a couple of weeks. To be honest, I have no idea why. The only reason I think I keep in touch with her and stay nice is because I feel an immense amount of guilt if I don't. I know she has no one else but me now and even if I don't want to care, why do I? She brings me no joy and even when we happen to have a 'good, normal day', I can't forget or forgive what happened - it's like it's always there in the back of my mind. Her memories seem totally twisted, like she just denies what happened and what she put me through. She will always remind me that she was there for me (financially!), and that my Dad shared some of the responsibility too.

I know a lot of people have crappy childhoods and we all deal with them differently. I also know my mother has severe mental issues. Sometimes I feel like I should just be the good daughter to my lonely mother and spend time with her every now and again - but I am just soooo angry still and the thought of her wanting to play Grandmother to my unborn child is making me furious inside. Not sure why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted some strangers opinions on this who might be able to see things in a different light.

AIBU wanting to cut this woman out of my life for good and even if I do it, how do I deal with the guilt of doing so? I'm not sure this relationship even can be saved.

YANBU and I say that as someone who suffered mental emotional and physical abuse as a child which has had a profound and limiting effect on my adult life. Get shot of her or go very low contact and spell out to her why. If she refuses to listen or makes excuses then to he'll with her. Can you access counselling? Expecting your own child can make old wounds reopen big time.

YANBU. You do not want this woman in your child’s life.

YANBU. She failed you. You have a right to decide who gets to be in your life or not. You have a right to decide you don't want her in your life if her presence continued to bring you suffering! She didn't protect you OP. Now you're old enough to protect yourself, and your child, you can do that.

Check out the charity stand alone for support with family estrangement. You sound like you're finding your strength after a childhood of putting yourself last for others.

"she facebooks me constantly, gets pissy when I don't reply etc"

This is so very telling OP. She thinks she owns you and has a right to your attention.

Perhaps you could start with some sort of very low contact strategy where you maintain very strict boundaries and make sure you stay in control of all the interactions?
I do appreciate this sort of thing is very difficult to deal with all the resentment and anger that you feel puts enormous amount of stress on you

One thing that I found helpful in dealing with difficult people is recording telephone conversations (just get an app on your phone that records your conversations)
When I listen back I can see exactly what happened during the conversation and it seems to help me to know how to deal with things in the future on the phone

When you have kids of your own, your own dysfunctional childhood becomes unavoidable. It hurts more than you can ever know because you are NOT HER and the idea of even thinking the thoughts of what she did and doing them to your child is abhorrent to you.

Minimisation, denial and blame, that's what mothers like her do to us to skirt around the uncomfortable truth. They invent a new history and you're supposed to go along with it because they can't face the truth.

Your relationship is terminally damaged - whether she likes it or not. I don't know if telling her this and explaining to her that you can't get past what she did and if she gives you the space and time you need that you may be able to have minimal contact, but at the moment you can't promise anything

I asked my mother for space to process what she had done, she didn't, she rang relentlessly, all fluffy and breathy, with no mention or acknowledgement of the devastating hurt she knew she'd inflicted on me.

If they don't acknowledge it, it never happened. the more time passes the more unreasonable WE are for holding onto it.

YANBU. I can’t offer advice on how to do it, but counselling could be useful.

I cut my mother out of my life about a year ago, I don't feel guilty for doing so, it was actually a really good decision for me. I sent her a text and then blocked her on everything I could, I made sure everyone who still talked to her didn't tell her my address and moved on.

No, you are not being unreasonable. This woman is toxic. She didn't put you first when you were young and frightened. She sounds very needy, very selfish and if you allow her back into your life I think you will regret it. Don't give her your address. When you have your baby and love it to bits, I think you will become more focused on keeping little precious away from toxic granny.

I work with women who have suffered domestic violence. Women, generally, will put up with a lot to keep a roof over their childrens heads and food in their belly. The phrase you use 'what could I have done, I had nowhere to go' is used a lot even today, with the fall back of our welfare system. When women are so utterly ground down and reliant they make poor judgements because they've lost their confidence and self respect.

You can't get past the past. And she is trying to forget the past. Im sure you stir up as many bad memories for her as she does for you. You would both benefit from a decent councillor - this concerns me - I also know my mother has severe mental issues , diagnosed?

The upshot is, you're festering in the past and you need to learn how to move on.

"You can't get past the past. And she is trying to forget the past. Im sure you stir up as many bad memories for her as she does for you"

The difference is that the OP was a child. She did not have a duty of care towards her mum. To say the OP probably dredges up bad feelings for her mum is nasty: it may be true, but what do you gain by telling her that? If the OP has bad feelings from her mum it's because her mum failed in her duty to take care of a minor child. The OP had no such responsibility. If she gives bad feelings to her mum it's almost certainly because she reminds her mum of what a poor upbringing she gave her daughter.

I agree OP needs to find a way to move on, however I think her cutting her mum out is her chance to do this. And that's why she is considering it. To move on and stop 'festering in the past'