DD's Toxic friendship

[Janteslaw]

Hi MNs!
I apologise in advance for long, whining post! I need your help.
I've just got a call from DD friend's mum. She told me that my 11yo DD is behaving out of character for past couple of weeks, being mean and rude to her DD (My DD is no way near perfect but is normal 11yo; happy, easy going and caring character, and has been so since she's been a toddler) The mum also mentioned that a couple of other DCs have mentioned to their parents about this change of behaviour in my DD. They have also commented that there has been a visible change since my DD has developed this new (toxic) friendship.
To be honest, I have noticed the shift in behaviour and it has been on my mind for some time. I put it down to moodiness and hormones! I've seen a shift in her character as this new friendship is blossoming. I've heard from two other mums that this new friend likes to seek out girls who are easy to manipulate and influence. It seems my DD is 'doing as she is told' and being mean to a few children in the class, as she is told to do. This has apparently been the character of this (toxic friend) girl and she has been picking friends, getting them to do what she wants and when she's tired, she moves on to new friendships. My DD is in the new and happy phase of her friendship and can see no wrong in her friend. It would be pointless me telling her to move away from the friend at this stage. On the other hand I can't simply let this carry on. She is alienating herself from friends she has known since she was 4 yo.
I'm sorry for all the mumbo jumbo details. I just need help in trying to get my DD to see that this is not a healthy friendship and she should recognise this. Of course my first action is to make DD realise that her own behaviour towards her friends has been totally unacceptable. I need help in how to carefully get her to see that this new friendship maybe damaging.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to valuable input 🙏

The more you try and push her away from this friend, the more attractive it will become.

Work on bolstering your dd's self-esteem and make her accountable for her own actions. If she is mean to someone then that is her own behaviour. Just because another child tells her to do something doesn't mean she should.

If her dad/gran/brother told you to call her stupid and idiot, would she like it? If they asked you to make fun of her and be really mean and you did, would she like it? Because that’s exactly what she does. It’s such a hard thing. But I agree with above, she needs more self-esteem and bigger balls to tell this toxic person to FOff.

Invite the friend for tea, call her out on any preteen twatery. Be subtle, bitchy if necessary, sly of course. Unlikely she will want to come back and prob drop dd.
I have had success with this method!

@Henry and @You
Totally agree with you. It's awful knowing that DD has such low self esteem, allowing others to tell her what to do. She knows it's unacceptable to bully. She herself has been victim to it over the years, which is what makes it worse.
She will definitely have to face up to her own actions and apologise to the girls she has hurt.

@Myddog that's a great idea!
She's very manipulative young lady. She told my DD that I'm over protective mum because I don't let DD 'hang out' in malls. Is this even a thing at 11?

Wow, @Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman I'm kinda impressed with this. It also shows your DD it's ok to challenge bad behaviour in others.

I'd also do the, "When you said/did XYZ how did you want your friend to feel?" "How would you feel if XYZ was done to you?" "What does being mean look like?" "What does being kind look like?" "Which do you think you are?" "How do you want your friends to think of you?"
"Your new friendship is important. It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice"

Hi Janteslaw

I know this is a relatively old thread now but I am wondering what has happened (if anything) with this toxic friendship?

My dd has got herself into a similar situation but quite often ends up the victim with this other girl undermining her self-esteem etc. I'm not saying my dd is perfect but I am at my wits end when what I am witnessing is in effect bullying of my dd.

My dd says "oh I don't tell you about the good things that x does," but quite frankly the bad would still outweigh the good and I want my dd to stay away from this girl...but my dd seems to have 'high' moments of hanging out with this girl as well as the constant erosion of her confidence. I am thinking of contacting the school (and have even thought of moving dd to another school away from this girl) but other than have her moved to completely different classes, I am not sure what else could be done and of course there are still break times and lunch times etc. This feels like an impossible situation

Any teachers out there? What would you advise. Agree with the self esteem building but this feels like it is constantly required at the moment. I think my dd is worried that if she moves away from these friends then she won't make others especially now friendships have been formed (Year 7), tricky but like you, I feel that something needs to be done/change.

@Lavenderdays I am sure if you start your own thread you will get some good advice.

Hi Polkahots

Thanks, also, didn't realise that this has been posted in the AIBU forum which isn't the best forum to post this kind of thing better suited to the parenting forum etc. so will do this but if anyone has anything constructive to add then most welcome.