To accept my life how it is?

[Cheekylittlenumber]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 5. Two DC's, 3 yrs and 4 months.

For the majority of our relationship he's just not been into sex. The opposite of how men are perceived to be. Just doesn't seem to be bothered. I first remember being rejected by him when he had broken his arm and was on painkillers. I understood he didn't want to and that was of course totally fine. But it didn't seem to ever really recover after that, or maybe I just became more aware of his disinterest.

As time went by I became quite depressed at the rejection. If I wore nice underwear he would say he felt 'pressurised'. He hated his job and was overweight so I think that didn't help. I got a great job with a brilliant social life and decided to not let his disinterest in me sexually effect my self esteem anymore. Easier said than done, but things started to improve a bit.

Fast forward and we got married, he lost weight, things seemed to be better. But as a coping mechanism I stopped initiating sex. I didn't want to be rejected, and threw myself into work, then children came along and life got busier. Sex was good when it happened but with small kids you can't be spontaneous can you? I'm on maternity leave now and am knackered with a Breastfed baby and 3 year old, but still want sex. I think about it all the time, not because I want it, but I think why does he not want it. I've tried to initiate it twice in the last few days, bearing in mine opportunities are limited with young kids. He makes excuses.

I love him, but I'm assuming he mustn't be interested in me in that way. I go to bed about 10pm (so not especially early) and he stays downstairs watching crap tv, so even when the kids are in bed there's no oppertunity for it to be spontaneous. I don't know whether he's doing it on purpose, I think he must be oblivious.

I hate the power he has over me, as when he decides to initiate it (rarely) I jump to it. I don't want to play games but I bloody hate the dynamic. I don't ever really show him affection as I don't want it to be misconstrued as coming on to him- and I know that doesn't help things. Maybe that's game playing (reading it back)

I occasionally bring it up, but insists he likes sex etc.

He's a lovely caring gentle person and I find him very attractive. He's a wonderful father. I guess I know I'm being unreasonable. He's basically always been like this (except when we first started dating) and I should be happy with his good qualities.

If it makes you feel any better (it won't, I know) some people just aren't in to sex. They don't like it or simply don't feel the need to do it (but may insist they DO like it because it's seen as socially 'weird' to not be a sexual being.) Google asexuality.

I have no idea if your hubby might be asexual or not, just pointing out that it doesn't necessarily mean it's you he's not in to.

Could you talk to him about it? Explain that you'd like a little more intimacy in your relationship and see how he reacts?

My husband is the same. We had counselling about it a year or so into our marriage, which seemed to help at the time a bit but now 8 years on we have no sex life. Last time we had sex I was 5 months pg with DC2, who is nearly a year old now. Its totally demoralising. I don't want to divorce him, I love him, he is otherwise a good husband and father and we have an otherwise good life but I wish I had cut my losses when the sex first tailed off before our lives became so entwined.

I could have written this myself OP. When we first got married we went over a year with no sex. I felt so sad and unwanted and slept in another room. Nearly 20 years on we still only have sex maybe 3/4 times a year and it’s me initiating it always. I have often wondered whether I want to spend my days like this. I do love him but I am lonely. I just want you to know you’re not alone. My hubby is the same. I end up obsessed and feeling controlled and all manner of negative things. It’s hard. I don’t think it’s us. It’s them and they’re libido. We need to try not to blame ourselves.

Their. Sorry autocorrect.

Have you raised this with him recently? What did you say, and how did he respond?

My first husband was like this and ultimately it was the reason I left.

At the time it was devastating as we had 3 small children but 12 years later I am remarried with a healthy sex life and I am glad I didn’t stay.

Wow I am amazed that you lasted 15 years!

I had issues with DP last year because he was stressed etc but we talked about it and agreed to make more of an effort and so far so good.

Would you consider an open marriage if you're not keen to leave him?

Would you consider an open marriage if you're not keen to leave him?

I am in an almost sexless marriage and the problem isnt a lack of sex but a lack of sex with him. I am sure the Op could go out tonight and get laid if she chose to but she wants sex with the man she loves and fancies, not some random stranger. Sex within a long term relationship is about so much more than scratching an itch, its about emotional and physical closeness, bonding and connecting. Lack of it can kill a marriage as that lack of affection seeps into other areas, as the OP has said she no longer bothers with any form of affection.

I'm in a similar situation except my DH NEVER initiates. We haven't had any sort of sexual contact since 2014.

He is overweight, suffers with binge eating disorder (as do I) and struggles massively with his body image. He has terrible anxiety and has basically built it all up in his head so much that he can't face actually trying.

He insists that he loves me and fancies me but nothing happens. We spoke about it again recently and he admitted for the first time that past relationships have failed for the same reason - none of his exes were as patient as me, clearly.

I love him to bits and have basically accepted this. Thankfully I don't have a high sex drive at all so 99% of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes a bit of intimacy would be nice. He even stopped kissing me properly because I think he feared I would push for more.

An open relationship can help, if both partners care about each other - and if it's the case that the one who is refusing sex has a low libido/is asexual rather than it being a matter of manipulation and control.

Sometimes, it's better to part amicably, though. And, occasionally, the best option is to find a sexual outlet elsewhere but keep quiet about it - if separation or a publicly acknowledged open relationship are going to make life difficult, then discretion is fine. Someone who won't have sex with a partner, won't discuss the issue, expresses a wish to keep the relationship going but without sex... that person has forfeited any rights over the other person;'s sexual choices.

This is exactly me OP but I'm like your DH and my DH is like you.

I can honestly say looking back that anxiety issues and depression have affected me. Along with a partner who isn't very understanding or supportive of this.

Clearly from your post it sounds that you have been patient and understanding with your DH.

My DH ended up cheating on me with a stranger using one of those casual hook up sites and broke my heart but he felt so trapped. He didn't want to leave his kids but didn't want to be with me & insisted I wouldn't listen to him.

Please don't end up going down this route and all I can suggest is sitting him down and really let him know how it's ruining your life.

Thanks to everyone who's posted. I haven't had a deep or serious conversation with him recently because sex was off the cards in my last pregnancy (because of intermittent bleeding) he went through a phase during my pregnancy of wanting hand jobs (sorry to be crude!) and I obliged. Since then we've had sex three times since DD was born, and she's four months so not terrible at all considering we have a young baby. My issue is that I'm the one who's 'thinking' about it. I bring the condoms when we go to the in laws in case we have a moment, I'm the one who sacrifices sleep time to stay up with him on the sofa (he went and moved to the other sofa 'to give me room' when I did that. I'm the one saying 'shall we have a nap while toddlers at school and baby's asleep (on days he's at home) He's either totally oblivious and it's not on his radar or just doesn't want to have sex with me. I hope it's the former.

I'll try and make time to talk to him about it as it's not healthy for me to feel how I'm feeling- I'm probably over analysing it. He did initiate the last sex we had, but to me I thought 'wow that's great, can we do it again next week' and he's thinking 'that will do me for another few months'

It does need discussing, OP. If you know, for example, that he's just not that fussed, and he knows that you may ask but you will not pressure, then the two of you can feel more comfortable with one another. It's when you're both assuming the worst that things get messy.

Is there any way you in the future (post bf!)could leave the dc with dps /ils and and have a' couples 'night away? We juggle jobs +6dc and week ends away get us reconnected and de- stressed! It's easy to slip into being a parent only and forgetting we are also in a relationship with each other.

And there's no way I would have an affair. I want sex with him no one else and love him and my children too much.

It's eating at my self esteem though and I felt very low before years ago. It doesn't help that he has close female friends (who I know really well and like) and I'm wondering if he just doesn't want me, maybe he's just bored and wants someone new? I know this thought pattern isn't healthy..,

I've often wondered which is worse - having a partner who is otherwise caring and affectionate but doesn't want sex, or a partner who wants sex but won't touch you, kiss you or have any physical contact other than sex?

My OH is of the latter variety,, and I'm finding myself increasingly not wanting sex because it's the only form of touching there is (no cuddles afterwards either, we have to leap apart to clean up, apparently). So you are not alone, OP... but do you have an otherwise tactile relationship? Plenty of touching that couldn't be construed as 'sexual', like hugging or kissing on leaving/meeting?

Because I would kill for some of that...

If you can discuss this objectively would he consider a gp check up? Low testosterone, depression, various health conditions can cause low libido in both sexes. Unfortunately men seem to be extremely resistant to discussing these issues with a doctor whereas women tend to grit their teeth and get on with it.

A true mismatch of libido is tricky but you work with what you have. Your sex life is far from dead. However, asking him to fundamentally change and become an exciting and spontaneous lover may simply be beyond what is possible.

So it’s compromise really unless one or both of you can change or decide it’s not enough.

It may be that your sex drives are mis-matched, but he may also be worried about hurting you post-baby, or concerned that you are too tired or stressed or otherwise occupied. Or maybe there's an issue or anxiety on his part?

TALK TO HIM! You're married, you have a kid together, you should be able to have a sensible, adult discussion of sex that is straightforward and doesn't involve a huge row.

I think the fact that he has a low sex drive for a large part of your relationship suggests that this is just who he is, rather than it being a problem that he has with you. The trouble is a relationship is made up of two people and balancing the needs of both is important. i suspect for you (as it is for most people) its about the intimacy and closeness that having sex brings, thats what i would miss.
You do need to tell him how much this is worrying you and bringing you down. I wonder if some counselling for you both would help?

Zaphodsotherhead There's very little intimacy- hugging or kissing etc.

I've stopped initiating that too, I don't really know why. Maybe to protect myself, maybe to punish him- I really don't know. We've never been very touchy feely tbh.

Yes I need to talk to him. I'm worried that I've built it up in my head and I'll burst with emotion when I try. The sleepless nights don't help me being reasonable.

I've tried asking him to see a gp in the past- I think that's just the way he is.

I'm in a similarly sexless marriage. It wasn't always like this, but because of infertility, then injury, then adoption and looking after young DDs, it all tailed off. Then the trauma of dealing with the memories of my childhood SA and my PTSD. I just couldn't let my DH near me.

But my DH is lovely about it. We haven't had sex for 4 years, and I feel like it's the 'elephant in the room', we just don't talk about it. I sometimes fear that he doesn't want to anymore. But we do still show affection to each other, that's probably the key. Plus the fact that we need to be a team in order to deal with our DD1's attachment issues.