best friend kicking me when im down

[Dailymailshutyamouth]

I've posted on here before about my abusive exP and the looooong horrible breakup, etc.

Long story short, exP was horrible, sexual assault after we broke up, said he was in love with his ex for half our relationship, called me a child who needed constant attention, punched doors when I was standing next to them, wouldn't let me out of rooms in arguments, you get the picture. My best friend quite rightly hated him. Encouraged distance during the breakup. She's been a good friend.

We've both been looking for somewhere new to live. We both planned to move to new city together to live in house share. Great, it gave me something to focus on, to work towards, and she was very encouraging of how it was a new start and so on. This was last Nov, with the plan to move Feb. I have depression so it gave me some kind of goal to work towards.

I looked for loads of flats online, worked out bills etc, sent her links. We planned to go and look next weekend and decide on a flat. I sent her the latest flat tonight. She said she had spoken to her sister and her sister had told her it's a bad idea to move in with your best friend because you fall out. She then told me this happened to two of her friends she knows. She said she thinks we should get separate flats.

The thing is, we were planning to move to a city which is where she works and I would commute in. I thought the commute was worth it if you're moving to live with your friend! But i feel weird moving to a city miles away to travel back for work, with her living somewhere else

I told her this and she just said "ah well that's sad, but come and visit lots!"

It's really hurt me. I feel childish but something about it makes me so sad.

AIBU?

Ah love that’s so mean of her.

No proper advice but maybe you focus on yourself and what you want and where you want to live?

I think I'd be hurt too. Maybe she realises that you both have personality traits that wouldn't mix well in a close confinement situation?

hmm, that sounds like she didn't want the responsibility of being your only friend in that city. maybe she feels that she has her job there and you'd only have her there

But I wouldn't move to a place that's inconvenient for you just to live with her! move to a place near your own work! that way you'll be more likely to socialise spontaneously near your own work. go for one. what the hell. if you have to commute to a town where your friend who is set up for a social circle that excludes you (or at least, doesn't INclude you) then you'll be cut off from your own town and you'll have no link to 'her' town.

I have friends in the said city - lots of friends in fact.

We both live close to each other now. But I just thought the time it took her to change her mind is odd.

I don't know, maybe I'm tired. Maybe she thought she was gonna be lumped with a sad depressive still pining for her abusive ex.

She can't live with someone she doesn't want to live with and I get her concerns, I guess it would've been better to say in person rather than her texting but oh well

Maybe she is genuinely concerned about your friendship deteriorating if you lived together, implying that she values your friendship as it is. I for one would NEVER live with my best friend, although I love her to bits, we would drive each other up the wall.

Texting you to say she had changed her mind is mean but I guesss she felt awkward. Be glad you didn’t sink money into this and have it go pear shaped.

Maybe it’s time to branch out and find a house share with some new people?

I think she might be genuinely concerned that if you move in together you would fall out. If my best friend and I moved in together after 6 months one of might have murdered the other one.

Was moving in with your friend the only reason that you wanted to move to that city? If it isn't and you were genuinely looking forward to living there then you should think about still going there and having a fresh start in a new place, you said that you have friends there so it won't be like you are alone .

And if your friend really does want to move to the city with you in seperate flats then maybe you could get flats in the same building so that you have your own space but are near enough to each other if either of you needs help from the other

Living with my best friend ruined our relationship. Living with a stranger created a best friend. They really might not be doing it to hurt you and were maybe just afraid to tell you in person? They haven't handled it well but it doesn't sound malicious in my opinion.

Could you look at trying to get places in the same building or on the same street?

I am trying to see the other side of the story.
"I have a friend who just came out of a horrible abusive relationship. I supported her as much as I could and encouraged her to leave him and start a new life.
She start talking about moving together, I didn't mind first that much but when she started sending me links to rentals, worksheets with calculations etc, I started getting cold feet. She sounded really desperate and I imagined living together and I was afraid I end up being her only source of support which is emotionally draining long-term. I talked to my sister who also voiced the concerns and I knew I have to be honest with my friend. I know she's hurt now and very fragile and I want to be there for her but I have my life too."

I imagine the above could be how she may feel. Does it sound far fetched?

I’m not surprised you feel let down. Living together would potentially put your friendship under a lot of strain. SINBU to back out. Mean to tell you by text though.

I’d feel let down too. Try and have a look at places nearer your work and keep your chin up. Hopefully you’ll find something great.

There could be several reasons for this.

1. She doesn't trust you not to go back to your ex, or to very quickly hook up with someone else and want to move in with him, leaving her high and dry with a flat she can't afford on her own.

2. She knows you are really bad with money and she doesn't want things to get awkward when you can't manage your share of split bills.

3. She feels your friendship will suffer, especially given that you have depression, maybe you have become overly reliant on her for support and she wants to encourage to be more emotionally self sufficient?

It's a shame but better that she decided now than after you moved in. I think living with a best friend would put a lot of strain on the friendship. Can you get a bedsit nearby so you can meet up a lot but have your own space too?

It doesn’t sound to me that she’s trying to kick you when you are down.

It sounds more like she doesn’t want to live with you, or doesn’t think you two living together is going to end well, and is trying to let you down lightly. Whilst it might sting a bit at the moment, this is kinder than agreeing to house share against her instincts then it all going tits up.

You say she’s been a good friend to you and has supported you a lot through this terrible time you’ve been having. Potentially she has given you a lot of time and support already, but feels that completely sharing the life she has built for herself in a different city is too much for her.

She might even have felt the need to give you a light at the end of the tunnel by sounding enthusiastic at the idea of you moving in when you(?) suggested it, but after going away and considering it in her heart knows it’s not going to work for her.

Whilst she has been a great support to you, she can’t be responsible for your happiness and I don’t think it’s fair or wise of you to throw this in her face. You’ll lose someone who has been good to you, and she hasn’t done anything wrong. She has just, in a roundabout way, tried to assert her own needs for her future living arrangements.

Sorry you’re having such a hard time though OP. What you need is an alternative plan to get excited about WITH your friend. She sounds lovely, and like she’s be happy to be your sounding board for ideas and arrangement (given that she’s helped you through the really tough bits).