Not wanting DS with Ex and his GF if they're arguing?

[sanityisamyth]

Longstanding issues with my son (now 4) seeing his father. Most seem to be resolved (no more injuries or severe nappy rash) but DS came back a bit quiet from ExH on Saturday. I asked what he'd been up to (he never usually tells me and says he doesn't know) but said "Daddy was sad". I asked what he meant and he said "Auntie S" (the GF) was being mean to Daddy and shouting at him.

I've tried asking in the past what ExH does with DS and all I've had back, via solicitor, "it's my time with DS and you've got no right to know where he is, who he's with or what he does".

I don't want DS to be exposed to arguments. It's obviously upset him and he hasn't slept through the night since coming back on Saturday.

Would I be unreasonable to ask, if they are going to have arguments, can they keep them to the other 6 days a week when DS isn't around?!

Yes it would be unreasonable to ask, or more realistically, pointless. If they can't work out that for themselves, and control their behaviour around DS then they're not going to do it because you've asked, and more likely you will cause your ex to see you as trying to cause trouble or stop him seeing his son. What do you mean about previous bruises ? Why is your son still going at all? Sounds to me like you should be stopping all contact to protect your son anyway. Are ss already involved?

Sorry you said injuries not bruises. What on earth do you mean by that? If anyone injures my child while caring for them, even once, they would never see that child again.

I was exposed to awful arguments between my father and his girlfriend from eight years old. It was scary at the time and my father used to them take it out on me and my sister (four years younger). She used to creep into my bed crying when she heard them argue and we would rock each other for comfort.

I have been NC with them for years now. Can't be bothered with it.

I've tried stopping contact and it went through solicitors and was told judge unlikely to stop contact on the evidence I had even though DS at the age of 2 saying he didn't want to see his father. I would love to stop contact but have been told that I can't.

Children's services were involved as nursery flagged it. They did nothing to help. They've just been rated inadequate in my area though.

Would I be unreasonable to ask, if they are going to have arguments, can they keep them to the other 6 days a week when DS isn't around?!

Yes that would BU because no-one actually plans an argument.

However, you could gently suggest that if they're going through a rough patch, you'd be totally fine with him skipping/changing contact if he needs to, in order to avoid your DS being exposed to it.

That said, you don't know how big the argument was, how long it went on for or how many arguments there were. It may have been just a short argument that blew over pretty quickly and it's made your 4yr old sad because his dad was.

If that was the case then it's pretty much part of life really and I expect your DS will learn that as he gets older and be less bothered by it.

As pp's have said, realistically there's very little you can do about and it's not something you can stop contact about.

All I would suggest is speaking to your Ex and tell him that DS was upset by it.

I'd say you appreciate his relationship is not your business but you'd appreciate if arguments could be held out of his earshot if possible.

All couples argue though don’t they from time to time, I bet if/when you meet someone else you will at some point have an argument. Nobody plans an argument by picking the children up thinking fuck I can’t wait to get home to argue!

At age 4 it is possibly the child got upset by the small amount of the argument they heard.

You are being a bit unreasonable

very unreasonable

YANBU. They won't stop though will they? All I heard for 19 years was screaming rows and violence, it royally messed up my mental health and I'm paying the price for it now. Having arguments may well be part of normal life but children should not be exposed to it long term.

All I heard for 19 years was screaming rows and violence, it royally messed up my mental health and I'm paying the price for it now

Going by the OP though they have had 1 argument that she knows about