Help me to help my dd10- please

[lina38]

I've posted this on relationships but I know this is a busier board and am in need of advice

My daughter has a phone and part of the condition of that is that I check it on a regular basis to make sure she is being safe. Fine- no issues there.

She has always struggled with friendships and has been verbally bullied on and off through most of her schooling.

What has struck me, is that upon reading her messages between 'friends' - she doesn't seem to have any social etiquette. Her messages sound needy, blunt and more of the mental age of a 6yr old.

The girls and boys clearly pick up on this and are very dismissive of her. From the messages, I can't work out if my dd is actually aware of this. It's so heartbreaking to see.

For context, my dd has had a turbulent few years after she witnessed her dad threatening to kill me. He was very emotionally abusive and as a result on that day, I fled with the kids and left my ex.

She has slowly built up a better relationship with her dad. But it is far from ideal. I've done as much as I could to help her come to terms with past events and she had a short period of counselling at my request.

She now suffers from anxiety. I'm sure this is what has hindered her ability to make and keep friends.

My only hope is that when she embarks on her new life in secondary school, that she has a fresh start to form friendships. But, tbh - if I don't find ways to help her, the same problems are going to be there aren't they?

What can I do to help her? Do I mention the way she comes across to her 'friends' or will I make her feel worse?

I'm literally close to tears as she's had a really tough few years and all she wants is approval from others and to have friends.

I always try and boost her confidence. But I think I'm tackling it all wrong?

Please please can someone offer me some advice.

Thank you

Gosh. It’s a tough one because on-screen the tone of voice can be misunderstood even at the best of times. From what I have seen of my friend’s DDs there is quite a large range of (im)maturity - even within the same class - at age 10 though; it’s juniors but some are clearly ready for secondary.
Is it possible you are looking too hard at DD’s messages and if you step back maybe you’d see that everyone is being dismissed all the time and others can sound just as blunt. Eg Their mum tells them time for dinner or whatever and it’s “GTG” and they’ve disappeared offline. Nothing personal, just how it comes across. They don’t have full conversations these days much less actually speak into the phone x

All I can say is DD was exactly the same, she is dyslexic which I think impacted but she just didn't have that smart snappy repartee that others her age did and as you say it stands out.
I would advise intervening early whilst she will tolerate it before secondary by helping her structure/construct/decode social media.
I supported DD like this from 10 to about 15.
I like to think I taught her not to escalate situations, shut down potential bullying of herself and helped her not to join in with bullying others. Even tricky boy situations... that was eye opening.
We would discuss potential reply's to tricky messages and I would accurately predict the response should she reply in a certain way.

She is almost 19 now and at Uni, she actually sent me a petty bullying group chat message last week saying, look Mum I think I handled this well.

It's very hard to watch them go through this, you have my sympathy.

Texts don't really have social etiquette, if you haven't noticed the same thing from your daughter in person or verbally then don't worry about it so much (you could ask her teacher if she/he has noticed anything )

If her friends are being dismissive or mean you could help her by having a chat about friendships and about how friends treat friends, and about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, and about how she shouldn't settle for being mistreated in anyway for the sake of keeping friends,

If she suffers from anxiety maybe teach her some anti anxiety exercises and some assertiveness exercises (there will be stuff online if you google)

My kids are younger and to be honest I'm dreading this stage, I'm sorry you're going through this. If they are friends in real life though and they know what she is really like I would try not to worry too much about the messaging side of things. Messaging friends as adults I have some who reply in very few words, fairly bluntly, it's just their style but they are great friends of mine, it took me a while to feel they were but in person they are warm and friendly. On the other hand I have friends who are lovely and flowery and so warm by message but you'd never think it in real life as they're much less warm in person. They're still great people, just everyone communicates differently. If they are friends it won't matter. I always over explain and probably annoy people with essays and actually now prefer the shorter, more blunt messages.

Oh gosh, this was DD last year, what a difference we have seen in a year, few things have changed, we moved which meant moving schools, this was the biggest and best step. DD actually has a decent set of friends now, she often comes home with sweet little gifts from her friends, she has 4-5 friends who text her each night, constant dog pictures btw! This is the same child who spent most Lunch times on her own in tears in the last school. I find kids of this age still aren’t that much about talking, it’s hpw they seem to interact with their body language etc, the girls are always giggling about something but not really chatting!

My daughters confidence has blossomed in a few different ways, she has a little more freedom, she is growing up and has responsibilities like our dog who she helps train, she is also able to choose a lot of her clothes and accessories now. Just cheap bits most of the time, but these things help her show who she is. We try to be as supportive as possible, she’s also started a lot of sports clubs which have done her confidence good.

We hold parties and pizza nights at our house every so often. We have all the friendship group over and it’s a relatively cheap way to get them all together, and DD seems firmly settled into this group despite being a fairly new child in the school.

Confidence will come.

Thank you for all your advice.

Unfortunately, yes she is like that face to face also. Her friends seem incredibly mature and are able to hold a flowing conversation (in rl not just text). Whereas my dd doesn't always make sense and can go way off track when trying to communicate.

Most people she talks to look confused or bored.

I'll give you an example of text conversation.

She was added in a whatsapp group chat.

Child 1: hi guys

Others in group say hi and follow on with something to talk about.

My dd: 'hi child 1 who added me. Does that mean I'm your friend'

Child 1: yes

My dd: I love my cousin (Jess) she is so sweet. Do you like babies. Can u be my friend on musically cos I know your friends with Lucy.
Bye

Other child: hi dd

My dd: (completely ignores other child). Child 1 why aren't u speaking to me. Don't u want to be my friend.

Back and forth random stuff like this until the group is deleted. My dd then post sad face.

Sorry to hear some of you have had the same issues. It's reassuring that you have been able to help them overcome it. I shall be taking note and using your advice

Oh, I see what you mean...
Maybe DD needs to know that she needs more than one friend, she needs to talk to more than 1 person in the group, and maybe to believe that people will generally like her, and it’s best to believe that until she has reason not to, ie being nasty to her.

Maybe clubs are the way forward, that way she has something to concentrate on doing, friendships will come a bit easier without the pressure of figuring out what to talk about.

I think you need to look into whether your dd may be on the autistic spectrum. I am myself and my ds is and as a result, I have researched a great deal on autism, which is harder to get a diagnosis for in girls. Most girls manage to cover up their social insecurities by mimicking their peers when younger, it isn't until late primary going into secondary that the social deficits become far more obvious, as their peers become much more socially advanced.

There is a great range of books from American girl which are actually great for helping teach social niceties and advising how to approach friendship issues and bullying etc.They are for all girls around your daughter's age and would be a great place to start teaching your daughter social skills. I have bought the series for my 8-year-old NT daughter, we often read them together when looking for a way to approach things that come up in her friendships. There are also books on bullying and other aspects of life for girls her age. They are rather American but my daughter is so used to American phrases due to TV etc that this didn't present a problem for us.

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Popularity/dp/1609582233/ref=sr_1_12?keywords=american+girl+books&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1517355924&sr=8-12

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Knowing-What/dp/1593697724/ref=pd_sim_14_2?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=F0Y92ZHH5B0FAJCKSH6J

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Yourself-Changing/dp/1609589033/ref=pd_sim_14_5?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=HF21JB8WAB7HFZ4BDMY4

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Manners-Confidence/dp/160958189X/ref=pd_sim_14_6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=VN8QG2K36TBXP0Z8MDZY

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Digital-Yourself/dp/1683370430/ref=pd_sim_14_6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=FFGHP1GFVHTH4M8V5X6D

There are also great books out there advising parents with daughters on the spectrum, it is hard seeing your child struggle socially, but you can help them develop social skills. Have a look on the national autistic society website, or call their helpline for support in determining whether your dd may have traits of autism, they will be able to support you and advise you on the best route to diagnosis. I personally prefer going through the G.P.

If your dd is on the spectrum there is a great wealth of resources out there on girls/ women on the autism spectrum, the girl with the curly hair have fantastic resources and website and they run workshops throughout the uk.

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Every-Autistic-Wishes-Parents/dp/0997504528/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=books+for+parents+of+autistic+girls&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1517356166&sr=1-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Girls-Growing-Autism-Spectrum-Professionals/dp/1843108550/ref=pd_sim_14_4?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=MQ2FZPZJBS95XMBTJ928

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Girls-Autism-Spectrum-Celebrating/dp/1849058938/ref=pd_sim_14_2?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=QD0CDDM4PCBCC48DPSP7

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Me-Girl-Curly-Hair/dp/095626932X/ref=pd_sim_14_7?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=NN9DV7HXBKX5E1EXQRVF

I would also say looking in to the fact she could be on the spectrum may help greatly. From experience of a close friend I have had since school, the struggles of your daughter seem very familiar.

If not that, I myself was quite immature for a time, and it was only from being told that I was being immature that I realised and changed my persona almost completely