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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate anything baby related?

26 replies

vampirethriller · 30/01/2018 22:31

I have a long history of miscarriage for no reason other than "I'm unlucky", and lost the last one of nine on new years day this year. I actually love babies. I adore them. There's nothing I want more. But now even the mention of someone getting pregnant even if I don't know them is making me angry? Is it normal or am I just a horrible person?

OP posts:
Jaygee61 · 30/01/2018 22:34

YANBU or a horrible person. Your feelings are entirely normal. You are grieving your losses. I am so sorry for them. Flowers

TrinitySquirrel · 30/01/2018 22:35

No such thing as 9 unlucky miscarriages. You need to go for more investigation work.

My friend lost 10 babies before they realised she had a heart shaped womb. Is that possible?

Changerst · 30/01/2018 22:35

I could have written your post OP. I don't want to feel like this. I can't cope with the grief and sadness of everything after 2 miscarriages so I'm truly and utterly sorry for what you have been through. Do you have a plan for the future? You deserve some happiness.

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/01/2018 22:36

I'm so sorry. You're not horrible, not at all.

I was slightly demented by pg losses too, I hear you.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/01/2018 22:37

I agree with Trinity. 9 isn't unlucky, it needs investigating properly. So sorry you have had to go through so much Flowers

Original poster
vampirethriller · 30/01/2018 22:39

Slightly demented is exactly it. There's no apparent reason for it, they're all so early that I'm considered a bit strange by some doctors for even being upset by it, but they're my babies, what else am I going to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
vampirethriller · 30/01/2018 22:42

Every time I let myself plan, I think of names, what they'll look like, who they'll take after, and then they're gone, and I'm left loving empty air

OP posts:
WetWipeofWonder · 30/01/2018 22:44

You need proper investigations. But after 9 they are doing you a major injustice to leave you with "unlucky" the fuckers. Have they checked for clotting disorders, genetic testing, hysteroscopu for bicornuate or unicornuate uterus?

Viewofhedges · 30/01/2018 22:48

I can’t have children and also fail to see the delight in anyone else’s pregnancy / baby. It feels like a personal insult. So I know how that feels, but I didn’t ever have a miscarriage so I can’t begin to know how hard that must be. I think you are astonishingly strong, and that you should allow yourself to feel however you feel.

isitfridayyet1 · 30/01/2018 22:49

Sending hugs OP, my sisters lost two babies to late miscarriage and premature birth one at 24 weeks and the other at 28 weeks. I know it must be difficult right now but when you have the strength be persistent with your Gp and if you're under the care of a consultant I second what another poster said by asking them to investigate further. You deserve to be happy don't ever think your being a nuisance to the health service by being persistent.

farfallarocks · 30/01/2018 22:52

Poor you, I am so sorry for your losses. Mc turned me into a bitter shadow of my former self. Please go and see a good specialist because 9 mcs is statistically significant. I had very early mcs at 5/6 weeks and I needed treatment to successfully carry a baby to term, it wasn’t bad luck.

Original poster
vampirethriller · 30/01/2018 22:53

Uterus all normal and no clotting disorders, I've got hypothyroidism but that's medicated. No genetic testing. I had an abortion 5 years ago and feel like as soon as I mention I'm it nobody cares about any other pregnancy. I'm also currently single and when I told the clinician this while he was examining me last time he actually laughed at me

OP posts:
Changerst · 30/01/2018 22:55

Have you been offered any emotional support by your GP? There's only so much anyone can take, what you've had to go through is way beyond what anyone should be expected to go through. I'm so sorry.

sillyquestion477 · 30/01/2018 23:04

I am so sorry for your losses Flowers
It's totally normal. I blocked everyone on my social media that was pregnant or had a baby or if I had a suspicion a pregnancy announcement was upcoming.
Have you had further investigations are you on the miscarriage forums in here. There was a recurrent miscarriage thread at one time with loads of advice regarding various different testing and treatments and most of those ladies have gone on to have successful pregnancies on various different treatment plans after lots of losses. It's worth a look perhaps although I understand it may not be what you are thinking of now xx

Original poster
vampirethriller · 30/01/2018 23:05

After the 4th they gave me a leaflet about grieving etc. After the 6th I was offered counselling but I moved house soon after and never took it up. Nobody thinks they're real. Nobody thinks I'm a mother but my body is a mother's body and it's bloody killing me.

OP posts:
OverinaFlash · 30/01/2018 23:08

It is such a horrible limbo to not be a mother but to have come so close you can't ever go back. Do you have funds to access a private fertility consultation?

Chocolatesprinkledcrumpet · 30/01/2018 23:31

There is a lot of discussion lately about elevated levels of certain types of white blood cells in uterine lining causing repeated miscarriages of otherwise inexplicable cause. I think there's an expert at University of Warwick who is conducting a research. Might be worth looking into?

peachgreen · 31/01/2018 06:04

Are you in the U.K., OP? Standard practice is to refer for investigation after 3 concurrent miscarriages - I can't understand why this isn't happening in your case. What stage have the miscarriages happened at? What do you mean when you say "nobody thinks they're real"? I'm so sorry for your losses.

Original poster
vampirethriller · 31/01/2018 08:22

By nobody thinks they're real I mean they're all early on, 5-10 weeks, and I've been told at least it wasn't a proper baby yet etc more than once.
Thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/01/2018 08:35

I don't know if this is helpful but I wrote a letter to the Guardian problem column after three early miscarriages when I had similar feelings that I was a bad person for how I felt, etc. I found the response (and, surprisingly, most of the comments) very helpful: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/25/after-three-miscarriages-im-becoming-jealous-and-resentful-of-my-pregnant-friends

I really think you need to explore options for different medical care (I know that might be easier said than done). Mine were all just as early or maybe even earlier than yours and I was taken seriously.

Again, this is easier said than done, I know, but try to be really kind and forgiving to yourself; you're not a bad or horrible person, just one who's been pushed to her limit by having to go through horrible experiences that no one should have to endure.

Original poster
vampirethriller · 31/01/2018 08:58

Thanks! I'll read that now.

OP posts:
WhiteWalkersWife · 31/01/2018 10:11

You are a mother, one with empty arms. Im so sorry for your losses.

Its completely normal to feel angry jealous envious even judgy. I was all of the above and judgy towards a someone who recreationally did coke while pregnant after my first trimester loss.

People that say such insensitive things, back away from them. It will help a lot.

OverinaFlash · 31/01/2018 10:17

If you are losing pregnancies between 5 and 10 weeks any good doctor will definitely consider these to be miscarriages. Please seek a second or even third opinion from another gp. I know several people struggling with fertility who've had multiple losses, all who have had investigations after 3 losses, none of whom have made it past the 12 week mark. Please go back to a doctor and push to see someone who will deal with this properly.

Original poster
vampirethriller · 31/01/2018 10:35

It hasn't helped that I've moved a lot and have to go through the whole thing with different doctors all the time. I'm going to be more demanding from now on, I've really had as much as I can take.

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/01/2018 10:39

Re-reading your posts, it sounds like you did have the standard NHS tests (physical check of womb, blood clotting and hormone screens) and they all came back normal? This is very common - they told me they only find a cause in 50% of recurrent miscarriers (they didn't in me either) - but after 9 leaving it there isn't good enough. They should be referring you to a more specialist centre, and if you can you should push for this. If you can afford it (it costs £540) I would also suggest seeing the NK cells research team at the Coventry RMC run by Siobhan Quenby - I turned out not to have elevated NK cells either, but I'd still really recommend them. For many women they do uncover an issue - and if not, I still found them much more knowledgeable, interested and helpful than my local hospital.