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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Illness

21 replies

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 21:35

Aibu to avoid seeing friends and their kids when they are sick?

I am a sahm with two young dds. 2yr and 7months. No help and oh works long hours. I’m bf and exhausted with the children as it is.

I don’t know anyone else in not situation- my friends all have in laws or own family who help, or have kids in nursery (we can’t afford it but wouldn’t put dds in anyway as neither oh or I want to use one when I’m not working).

My in laws and a few friends have a habit of being ill around the children. I’ve said I’d rather see them when they are well (both dds have been very unwell and been taken to hospital a few times c/o my mil and one particular friend being ill and seeing us anyway without telling us until after the event).

Basically, I hate the girls being ill because it’s horrid for them and also makes my like a million times harder. It’s only me 24/7. I don’t get a break and have no support. When any of us are ill it’s a nightmare.

But, with so many friends and family members quite happy to bring their illness’ with them when we meet Aibu to feel annoyed when they make my children ill? - fo info, these people either don’t have dcs or have kids that are in nursery/cares for by family members regularly so ‘hand Them over’ when they are ill and don’t actually deal with any consequences!).

Please be kind and honest as I know my situation (no support) is driving my view on this.

If you were in my situation how would you feel?

OP posts:

Littlemissmuff · 30/01/2018 21:39

I totally get this. I would mention it before you see people and just say "can I just check none of you are ill? I don't want the kids catching anything". I look after 3 babies on my own and I so get it.

QueenNefertitty · 30/01/2018 21:41

YABU because you do have support.

You have a partner (support), and you clearly have family and friends nearby, if you're meeting up. That's emotional support at least.

I understand it's hard when kids are ill, but you're not working and you have a partner. I've just posted on another thread about my chronically unwell toddler, which I'm juggling alone, with a full time job, and genuinely NO family or friends to help- so I find this a bit irksome.

Els1e · 30/01/2018 21:43

I can see your point and it must be hard work. I’m no medical expert but don’t kids have to be exposed to a minor level of illness ie colds in order to develop their immune system.

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 21:48

Queen....if you work full time, who has your toddler? They must be somewhere or are they with you 24/7 whilst you work full time? If they are with carers, nursery, family etc then you have more support than I do. I literally have no break.

I’m with the children 24/7 and bf. My oh works long hours and often away from home for periods of time. Our family and friends don’t offer any support with the children and I don’t expect them to.

Littlemiss....thank you and I’ve tried that. They just take no bloody notice and turn up....then an hour in start coughing/sneezing/going on about how their dc has been up been sick all night ‘but felt ok this morning so still wanted to meet’ (!)

Pisses me off. They then bundle their lo off to gps/nursery whilst I’m then dealing with a sickness bug hitting both kids, me and oh whilst I’m the one that had to deal with it all - alone!

OP posts:

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 21:52

Els....yes, I agree that kids need to be exposed to germs....as in every day life, and the kids play in the garden and at park etc and go to groups so mix with other kids. But, I do wash their hands before they eat and if a child is obviously unwell I keep them away from them.

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kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:00

Op I don't think telling a lone parent of a chronically unwell toddler that she's got more support than you do (childcare isn't the same as a partners support) and that she's getting more of a break than you are (working full time?!) is wise or very empathetic.

I get that being a sahm can be exhausting but I think you're worrying about the wrong things here. Plan in advance for days off for yourself when you know your partner will be home.
Have you actually asked any of your family or friends if they can have the kids so you can have a couple of hours for hairdresser or to read a book in peace?

kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:01

And if the bf is becoming a problem for you then just stop. The baby will be fine on formula.

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 22:07

Kay....you’re probably right.

Sadly I’ve asked for help from inlaws and own parents and it’s either been refused on the basis that I am a sahm ‘so deal with it’ (nice!) or help is offered then 100% avoided to a point that I no longer ask as it’s obvious they simply don’t mean it.

Because I bf I can’t have a day to myself. I’d be happy with sleeping alone for an hour but oh has a very physically exhausting job and very long hours himself so I couldn’t trust him to stay awake long enough when home to be safe looking after them both. I wouldn’t be able to rest easy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 22:08

Bf isn’t a problem for me - it actually makes life easier as it’s only me doing feeds anyway so it’s easier for boob to pop out than faff about with bottles

OP posts:

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 22:10

So, is it reasonable in my specific circumstances to avoid seeing sick friends and relatives? I am made to feel unreasonable and like I have ocd or something.

OP posts:

deptfordgirl · 30/01/2018 22:11

I'm sure they don't bundle their children off to nursery if they're ill as nursery will send then home. In fact a few friends who work find it so hard as they constantly have to miss work to look after their dc as can't send them to childcare when they're ill. I'm a sahm and I can see it's a lot easier to care for my children when they are sick then friends who have jobs. My dh works long hours and all my family live a couple of hours away but I feel fortunate that I have the choice to care for my children full time. Also dh is v supportive when he's here.

In answer to your q I think it depends how ill they are. If they are well enough to meet you they can't be that sick, can they?

kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:20

I think you'd probably be unreasonable to avoid someone with a common cold (maybe ask them not to kiss the kids). Surely if they have v&d or anything more serious they would be at home in bed? You're talking like this happens often? Are you focussing on this because life seems quite tough at the moment?
Would you be happier going back to work, even part time?

kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:23

Also i agree with pp as a sahm it's much easier for me to look after ds when he's ill. Working parents have to call in sick themselves or sometimes take unpaid leave.
Im not saying that to minimise what you're doing but my 18mo had full blown flu recently, was ill for 2 weeks and i did wonder wtf I'd have done if I'd been working.

kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:27

has a very physically exhausting job and very long hours himself so I couldn’t trust him to stay awake long enough when home to be safe looking after them both. I wouldn’t be able to rest easy

This is a problem. When I was attempting to latch ds every 2 hours, usually giving him a bottle of expressed milk then pumping every 3 hours, cleaning up equipment etc. I was on my knees with exhaustion and was still safe to look after ds. Why is it some men get away with falling asleep because 'they work hard'?

Original poster

Palavapalava · 30/01/2018 22:42

This isn’t about a standard cold (although I do try to avoid them too)....examples as follows;

friend stopped being sick (that morning) with a nasty d&v bug they had for a few days (them and their dcs)....they said nothing and met us....-and felt sick again an hour or so in (after cuddling, the kids kissing and holding hands etc) so left to go home and to bed to sleep whilst their mum had their child). We were ALL ill within 48 hrs. My youngest was 3 months old and it was horrific.

A friend’s ds had chicken pox when I was pregnant (spots were still coming up and they were highly contagious but ‘felt ok in themselves’) so said nothing and met us at a play group which was also attended by other pregnant women and obviously other kids too. I saw the spots and their ds itching, asked and they sheepishly told me. I promptly left with my eldest and I did actually fall out with them over it as chicken pox could seriously harm unborn babies)

In laws/siblings in law have had bronchitis/various other nasty contagious infections around the children leading us to end up at the hospital because their breathing had got so bad

OP posts:

chocolateorangeowls · 30/01/2018 22:49

Regardless of the situation with support, help, getting a break etc it is selfish to exposure anyone with or without children to the illnesses you have described.

QueenNefertitty · 30/01/2018 22:57

I also breastfeed....

I know it's not the same at 18 months as when they're a tiny baby, but I'm still up 2 or 3 times a night....

I really don't want to sound harsh, but id take a couple of colds and stomach bugs, in return for some time with family and friends, and staying at home with my DS.

I really would.

QueenNefertitty · 30/01/2018 23:00

Just saw your last post on the sorts of things your relatives have been ill with and it seems quite extraordinary to me that they'd be that ill and still out and about- much less up for spending time with small children (who aren't exactly relaxing company)

It's very odd

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/01/2018 23:01

Well comparing my days being effectively a SAHM with no support (when I was on mat leave with each of the kids) with being a working mum with nursery / school as “support” I can say pretty strongly that it is a hell of a lot easier when kids are ill to be a SAHM.

Having said that I’m really shocked at your friends / family. I don’t know anyone who would risk passing on d&v or chicken pox like that. My friends and I are all generally pretty laid back about colds (if we didn’t meet up because one of the kids has a runny nose then that would mean that we’d have 20 minutes each August to see each other!) but other things we are always sensible about.

And actually - even with a cold we would warn in advance and last December I stayed away from friends as I had a cold the week before Xmas and didn’t want to risk passing it on just before the big day!

Only1scoop · 30/01/2018 23:02

Yes, I agree

Very extreme

Original poster

Palavapalava · 06/02/2018 17:45

I agree, it is selfish of those people to do that. Sadly when I say anything to oh he just accuses me of being ocd - then he heads off to work leaving me to deal with the sick children all day whilst I’m also ill myself and exhausted from bf all night long. I literally have no respite.

Oh gets that ‘attitude’ about sickness from his mum....who also acts like I’m Ocd, hence my asking if Aibu.

My friend with the sickness bug is notorious to a point that I now only meet her in public outdoor spaces now - she messaged me only yesterday to say how exhausted she was as she and her lo both have bronchitis and yet they had both spent the afternoon at her sisters house meeting their newborn!

The other friend exposing me and others to pox when I was pregnant has since been dropped. Having had losses I was furious that a friend could put me and my baby in that position.

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