Stressed about everything

[peanutpumpkin]

I know IBU but I feel like I can’t cope with it all this evening. I feel unreasonably angry and irritated by everything.
Yesterday I saw a job advertised that is perfect for my skills, my experience- it is the kind of job I wanted to achieve by at the peak of my career .... but I kind of know it won’t work and I feel so hemmed in.

I have 3 kids, age between 7-12, DH works away during the week and only comes home weekends. Family and parents live miles away and due to ill health / getting on they only visit twice a year. I’m self employed and have a childminder 2-3 days per week.
I’m tired of having to do everything all of the time, and I’m finding self employment really hard. I love the actual work (consultant) but I find advertising and admin really time consuming and I’m not very good at that part. I don’t make enough to employ an admin assistant.
I’ve found a job that is basically my self employed role, but paid! The downside is it’s full time. The holidays won’t cover school holidays. My DH doesn’t have enough leave to cover school hols. I usually reduce my work to 1-2 days per week or evenings / mornings only during the holidays. I am the one that does all
The kids off school / illness / inset / concerts / after school clubs/ parents evenings etc etc.
AIBU to feel annoyed / angry / frustrated I can’t taje this role which would take the burden off of self employement? I feel like everyone else is away fulfilling themselves while I’m expected to just fit everything in and do the kids, house, work etc and make all the compromises. I think I’d like to be appreciated more both personally and professionally. I know that’s not going to happen with self employment because I’m just one of many fighting to get clients. I know I am BU. Say something nice and positive to me please, finding it tough!

Would the salary be enough to afford use kids clubs during the school holidays? Is it the kind of role where you could ask for flexible working (term time only/work from home)?

YANBU by the way!!

I get where you are coming from I have 4 under 8 and have mostly been a sahm because my dh is self employed and works ridiculous hours so can never do childcare . He gets called out at all hours.

Just recently I applied for a job that on paper was perfect and would have been very 'me' pre childen. I got to interview but let it go as I knew I couldn't do the job due to my own circumstances no matter how hard I thought it through, like you say the holidays and pick ups and school events are overwhelming.

The good bit is I did find another job which as it turns out is brilliant and I'm so glad I kept exploring different options as it lead me to a great role.

If I were you I would apply for the job and find out some more. Could you employ a nanny with extra money from working full time? Use holiday clubs in the summer? I'm sure you will find a way but stage one is getting to know more about the job and deciding if you would take it once you've been offered. I would never change my family but it can make you feel like a caged bird some times.

Yanbu, peanut the world is on your shoulders, and it's relentless.
Pour a glass of wine and have a bath and an early night. It'll look better in the morning.
Half way down the bottle remind yourself how blessed you are to have 3 lovely kids, a DH who brings in the money, even if he does have to work away, a home, a career you love at least some of, and to have the flexibility to also be there for your family. These are your choices. They sound like pretty good choices. There are a lot of full time working single parents in shit jobs who wouldn't mind your shoes tonight.

Apply for the job. If you get offered it you could either renegotiate your husband's work commitments, employ more childcare or negotiate flexible working. Or you can decline and look for a similar opportunity in a few years.

Thanks for the supportive messages. Yes it would pay enough for childcare during the holidays but I feel guilty considering that, because I feel I’m the only one here for the kids doing homework, discussing worries, sorting out problems etc etc and I’m worried with childcare during holidays as well, and I’m the only relative they come home to during the week, that they’d just need a parent around. But I do feel caged. And I feel
Like every time my husband comes home my effort just gets forgotten. He has an exciting and important job, and although we both Achieved senior roles and second degrees, my professional aims get forgotten.

And if I don’t listen to the kids, no one else does. He doesn’t ring during the week and neither do grandparents or relatives, and despite 20 years of asking them to, they don’t, so I’m not able to do any more to get them to ring. Occasionally the kids will ring them and if they’re in they’ll answer, but it’s rare. I just feel if I go for this job it will fulfill me butvthe kids will be left out because I’m the only one that cares about all the little stuff.

Yep I know the option to apply for a full time job or not is a luxury, sorry, I’m feeling unreasonable !!!!

Can you talk to your husband about this? Maybe he should return home, get a job closer to home, and share the job of raising his children.

That sounds curt, but you are obviously not happy st the present set up and he should want to fix that. I feel for you.

why have you let this - "Like every time my husband comes home my effort just gets forgotten. He has an exciting and important job, and although we both Achieved senior roles and second degrees, my professional aims get forgotten" - happen?

What happens when you raise this with your DH? I'm appalled at his lax approach to his children, never mind his wife.

Apply for the job.

You may not get it.

If you do get it, you can ask about possibility of part time (4.5 days over 5 so you have more time after school?)
They may say not
But they may say yes
And if you don't try, you won't know.

Kids survive with two working parents and no grandparents. Your kids are not tiny so won't be in bed super early - or at least not for much longer.

An au pair might suit - part time child care before and after school, step up to more hours in school holidays plus use summer clubs/ activities.
Your husband must get some holiday so have him do two weeks of childcare while you work and then two weeks of time all together and that still leaves a week of leave left.

I get it. Dh works away the same but he does facetime during the week. But I'm left to carry the burden of everything - in fact I just had huge email rant to him on the topic of the 1 thing he has to do.

I was lucky I could drop my ft role to pt so I have the best of both. Stalled career a bit but I'm happy enough treading so life is less stressful at home.

Dh hits hw with them at weekend helps hugely

I would apply. You can always try to negotiate them down

Thanks for all your supportive messages. I think I’ll apply and see. You’re right I could sort childcare somehow if they were able to offer 4 days a week.
Situ with husband has happened over many years and me trying to tackle it ranges from talking gently about it to screaming rows when he refuses to listen or agree that I have a valid point. He just doesn’t share the same opinion that it affects me, because he sees his job as the important one. And in giving up my job when I had the children and starting from
Scratch a few years later I’m constantly playing catch up and have no hope of getting on even ground with salary because I’m always factoring in children. In order not to upset the children with any more rows I just leave it now, and try to work as hard as I can.
Thanks all, will get on with it now x

Peanut, I would apply for the job. Lots of children have two parents who work full time, or a single parent who works full time. My kids only have me to discuss homework / problems with too, but I have to work as a single parent. We have used a whole host of childcare over the years - babysitters, holiday clubs, childminders, and on occasion a good friend has helped out, but usually it has been one form of paid childcare or another. Some school holidays I was working just to pay the childcare bills. My eldest learnt to stay home along from the age of ten whilst I worked and we all just got on with it. Being home for your children is a luxury that many cannot afford, you just learn to muddle through as a family and save the 'being home' for when your children desperately need it - such as when they are ill

Also, just to add (pressed 'post' too soon) that you deserve it too - if you are struggling to make a decent amount from self employment and know that you would be better off in an employed role, you deserve the chance to do this, for yourself!

Thanks

It's not just the job he thinks is more important, he thinks he is more important than you. Meeting his life goals, having a great career, having a lovely family on weekends, is working out great for him as you are facilitating it. He's not facilitating you meeting your life goals though, is he? This would start to kill my love, because basically he's saying 'get back in your box, you are simply not as important as me' and that would deeply upset me. You sound like a clever, capable person. He sounds self-centred. Hope you go for the job, it will be hard but not as hard as having your life side-lined by the person who is supposed to be looking after your best interests in life. It's not like you didn't tell him and he doesn't know you are frustrated/would like more support, you just won't be getting it.

Thanks. I’ll go for the job. It’s a big leap from seeing a job I like to actually getting it, but I really like it so I’ll give it my best shot.