Living with in laws feeling depressed!

[Jengib]

Hi everyone

I am looking for a bit of advice/comfort in posting this.

Sorry its a long one.

Me and my DP have recently moved in with his parents with our 8 month son so that we can save for a house. We were previously renting a flat which I loved but my partner hated renting (calls it dead money) and he wanted a garden for our son which is fair enough. We have been here for a month now and I am so depressed! I can not stop crying. I feel trapped here like I can not be myself. I get on really well with his parents and I didnt think it would be this hard but I am really struggling.

They are in love with their grandson but spoil him rotten with food that I dont want him to have yet such as chocolate and cake I came home from the shops the other day to find him eating a cornetto! He is 8 months old. I just laughed it off infront of them but inside I was furious that they hadnt asked my permission before feeding him something like that!

They have also started passing comments on our parenting saying we were cruel to leave him crying in his cot! (He had been crying for 5 mins and we were watching him on the monitor to see if he would self settle). I also feel really self conscious if he crys because his dad has said a few times jokingly "what's your mummy doing to you" and I feel like they are judging me.

I go back to work next week which I think will help as I wont be rattling around the house with them all day but I cant help but feel like my last month of maternity leave has been ruined being here and I havent been able to enjoy it just me and the baby.

I know I should be grateful that they have let us move in and I know a lot of people dont have the opportunity they have given us but I just felt like I needed to vent as I fear my partner is getting sick of my emotional breakdowns.

I have been where you are. Utter disaster in my experience. You need to rethink your living arrangements, for your own sanity and the sake of your family and relationship. Nothing kills a relationship dead like resentment.

Renting is not dead money that sort of opinion makes no sense to me. You have a roof over your head and you pay for it so it’s hardly a waste of money.

Can I ask, what does your partner say about what his parents say? And did you get much of a say about where you live or was it all driven by his desires and wants?

Where is your baby going to be when you go back to work? If you think it is bad now, it will get worse if the ILs are your childcare. How long was the arrangement supposed to be for? It's not going to work. You need to rethink.

Sorry you're so down. Firstly don't laugh off things you don't agree with. You don't have to off with them but you certainly can tell them your baby isn't allowed chocolate and cake etc. If you don't say anything it will get worse I expect.

I'm sure you'll feel better once your back at work.

I think your situation has disaster written all over it; you need to lay your cards on the table with your DP right now. You probably will feel a bit better when you go back to work, but you'll still have to go back to your PILS every day.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I dont believe renting is dead money either my mum rents her house and has done for years after my dad leaving resulted in our house being repossessed. The moving in with the in laws was kind of pushed on me really but I agreed as I didnt think it would be anywhere near as bad as it has been and it was the only way that we could save for a deposit for a house.

My partner does agree with me and has stood up to his parents but there is only so much of me moaning he will listen too as they are his parents I feel bad as I would be really upset if he was to complain about my mum to me and he is used to their ways and things they do dont seem to bother him.

My mum will have the baby one day, the in laws one day and nursery the rest so at least it is only the one day out the week and I will have to grow a backbone and tell them the things I am not happy with.

Huge sympathy as I would find it impossible to live with my in laws especially with a tiny baby.

Put your foot down about the corner to and chocolate that is disgusting and you have the right to feed your baby healthy food if you want to. You also need to have words with your husband and make sure he knows who is married to - you not his mummy - and that means being loyal to you and defending your parenting.

In my experience certain types of parents love using their unearned baby boomer wealth to ransom against seeing their grand kids - unfortunately that’s where you are wit this living arrangement but that does not mean you have to hand your baby over to them to bring up as they see fit or take their insults on the chin. Set your boundaries and be strong - if they don’t like it they can ask you to move out.
Do you two have a separate living room that is ‘yours’ where you can destress and unwind? If not is there a spare room you can commandeer?

I lived with my mil for 15 years (always with the promise that we'd save for a deposit that never happened because the ex drank all our money).

You have my sympathy, OP.

How long does this arrangement have to last for? Six months you could maybe put up with it (although I couldn’t) but years and years no chance. If you were renting a two bed house before could you rent a one bed flat so you could still save up? What about housing association?

This sounds like a nightmare 🙈 Sorry op.
I know it's hard, but one thing you need to do now is to tell your in laws what your child can / cannot eat - make it very clear. The same goes for your parenting - ask them not to get involved.
I hope this won't be for too long.

Originally we said a year but I dont think I will last that long I am literally not going to do a thing and save every penny I get to get out as fast as possible.

We have the dinning room as a little living room for us but it is in the kitchen so there is no privacy they are in and out all the time and it is still full of all their stuff (which they promised to move before we moved in and didnt.)

I will have to have a proper chat with my partner tonight and I will have to tell the in laws that I am not happy with some of the things they are doing.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

And you have my sympathy YouTheCat.

Is there another bedroom that you could use as a living room instead of the kitchen/living room even if you have to have DS in with you?

I think your DH needs to have a chat with his parents about the food issues.

Can you encourage them to go out in the evenings ("there's a lovely film on locally MIL") occasionally so you get a bit of time as a family?

I'm also living in the in laws. We were private renting, flat had terrible heating and hot water and we also fell pregnant with our 2nd. We moved back home and retreat it massively. We have a 4DS and inlaw undermine me every chance they get, like when DS won't eat his dinner and I refuse to give him anything else I get told by in laws that I'm cruel and should make him something else MIL even stormed up the stairs crying as I refused to make him something else (he did eat it all in the end) all this was done in front of DS which angered me too. DP has a very close knit family so everyone is always round so feel as though we never get any privacy anymore. Due my 2nd soon as we were suppose to be staying to save for our own place too but think for my mental health we will end up private renting again and DO agrees with me. My advice is think of the bigger picture, it's not forever and rant if you have to with friends, this is what seems to get me through majority of the time.

Please ignore all the spelling mistakes, using the phone!

I lived with my in laws for 7 years, the last bit was with my dad untyshe was just under a year.
I think how we managed so long was having a really open discussion regularly about how it was going, and accepting sometimes it will be hard.
On the doing things differently, I would say something like ‘I know it might seem over the top to you but X is my first baby and we really want to do it like this’ and again accept the grandparent do generally spoil them sometimes.
Good luck

It's horrible. My sympathy. Moving out was bliss

I’ve been here, never again.
Could you possibly rent somewhere cheaper whilst saving for a house?
We are currently renting, eventual goal is to buy a house (I’ve rented from being 21 but don’t regret it, you need your own space even if it takes longer to get on the property ladder)
I agree renting is dead money and I hate paying someone else’s mortgage but I also think you can’t put a price on your mental health. I am same situation as you - apart from my parenting decisions are more related to attachment parenting and my in laws wanted me to do self settling. Everyone’s choices are different and nobody’s are the ‘right’ way for all but NOBODY has the right to criticise a mothers parenting choices (other than if it involves neglect, abuse etc!)

Last night I moved out of my husbands family's house and came back to my family . My husband and I have been married 2 years and we have a 3 month old. We lived at my familys house for the first year and the second year his family .I deal with social anxiety and depression so living there was just a struggle I never left the room , to go to the kitchen , leave to talk with his family , and it was hard using the restroom cause I didn't want anyone to hear me . They all got into a family argument , my husband his sister his brother and dad. Talking about how I leave dishes in the sink and I leave the toilet all poopy . First of all I'm hardly home I leave every morning to my parents while my husband's at work and my sister in laws house is a huge mess . Dishes piled up everything on the floor , clothes everywhere food everywhere she never cleans but since we moved in and my husband tells her she needs to be clean she decides to make a big deal saying that I'm making the mess. Before I even lived there it the mess was worse. I hate how she's trying to point her finger at someone just so they can clean her dam house. My social anxiety makes me not want to talk to anyone and I can't be comfortable with his family and I just stay serious cause I don't know how to talk to them . It's been problem where it's hlu healthy for me to live there. My room was a mess clothes piled up crumbs on the carpet food everywhere room so crowded. Her messy house was influencing me so be dirty too and since I don't leave the room I never did laundry , cook for my husband , and take our dirty dishes to the kitchen . I feel so horrible cause my husband asked me not to go a few times but I couldnt stay there any longer . Plus his sister is letting her friend move in with her baby and I think the husband while they save up for a new place . Seriously? I can't take it to many people in the house especially people im not comfortable with . I go all day without eating and eat when my husband is home so he can go to the kitchen to bring me something and he gets home around 8 or 9 pm ..... Last night he didn't want to text me and he's acting a little cold on message this morning. I feel sad cause we didn't sleep together and now I don't know when I'll ever see him since he works so late and him and my mom are having problems so he never wants to step foot in my parents house as well as I never want to step foot in his family's house because I'm so uncomfortable and embarrassed to face them . Idk what to do my anxiety does things to me . I'm just feeling alone without him

This is simply not going to work - it rarely does.

It is so limiting and destructive to having control over your life - and how can you have a bit of riotous rumpy-pumpy or a darn good row if that is what is needed?!

I think you need to be planning to get out of there, even if it involves renting again. Renting is fine - folk in Europe do it more than house-buying.

You cannot live with your in-laws in an open-ended arrangement. Until you are able to get out, you need to have a family meeting (after talking with OH) and set some ground rules. Ask them what rules would help them as well as making your views on child-rearing clear and that that "your child, your rules." I know it is not easy but he is YOUR child and you and OH should be making the decisions about what is right and wrong as far has he is concerned.

Speaking now from the the side pf the fence, my DD, her OH and their one child (then) lived with us for about 9 months after a fire in their house and a massive clear-out operation. Luckily I have a good relationship with DD and was able to talk things through. But I started by making it clear that I knew this was their child and that I would try and stick by their rules - but to forgive me if I got it wrong sometimes! Luckily also her OH is very easy-going, so that helped a lot.

"other side of the fence" - that should read.

You have my sympathy, it sounds like hell. But...

I came home from the shops the other day to find him eating a cornetto

Why didn't you take your ds to the shops with you? If you lived by yourselves and wanted to pop to the shop, you'd have to take your baby with you.

🤔 I don’t think you’re alone in this, I know several young families who have had to move in with in laws. None have enjoyed it at all!

Renting is dead money but you have two choices don’t you? Shut up and get on with it, or go back to renting.

Homeownership is something couples should consider before having kids- it’s far harder to save (or to move in with parents) afterwards but so many couples now choose to do it the harder way around.

I’m sorry you’re sad but it is what it is xx

I think you need to have a frank conversation with them or move out. You need to tell your DP how you're feeling.

Definitely put your foot down about the food. That's not good for an 8 month old. If it was just a case of them doing one day a week childcare it wouldn't be too bad but whilst you're living with them it's too much. And it's completely undermining you, which isn't such a problem now but will be when he gets a bit older.