to want to get marriage out of the way?

[CougheeBean]

DP and I are 24, together 5 years. I have no doubt in my mind that we intend to spend the rest of our lives together and have both recently become very excited planning the next step of our lives, moving across the country in 18-24 months and hoping to buy a home shortly afterwards.

I've never been the type to gush or obsess over weddings, but quite a few of my friends have become engaged recently and it's got me thinking about the practical elements - when will we get married? We both have elderly relatives and would want a reception close to our families, aka close to where we live currently. In fact, we are lucky enough to have friends/connections with land, marquees, sound systems, and assorted talents which would help us achieve the wedding we've discussed at the fraction of the usual cost. Frankly I'm worried if we leave it too long, we'll be CFs for asking for their help if it's years after we move away!

Financially we are planning to buy within the next 3-4 years. We could afford an £8k wedding after 18 months without upsetting the house-deposit-saving plans.

None of this sounds very romantic, I'm pragmatic in every sense, but DP is much more of a dreamer. I know MN hates a long engagement but saving for a wedding would take us 18 months minimum from the engagement... Obviously I have not yet been proposed to, but we talk about 'our wedding' often and have discussed practically everything down to flowers and guest list.

Would it be ridiculous to open up the conversation about timeframes? Or should buying a home be our utmost priority and we can reevaluate in 4-5 years time? I worry that we would then start TCC when we have the house, and marriage would be a mere afterthought if it even happened. I feel ready to start moving in this direction but at the same time, far too young to contemplate it...

I definitely don't think you're BU to open up the time frames conversation.

Do you need to be proposed too? DP and I aren't officially engaged but we've both had a chat about when we'd like to get married and what we'd like etc. I think in today's society and as adults it's perfectly normal to just have an adult conversation about it without the need to be proposed to as such.

We're in the purchasing a house stage right now so we're planning on getting married in a year or two once we've saved up the funds again and lost weight . We thought we'd do it this way around as otherwise we're saving for a house and a wedding whilst essentially paying somebody else's mortgage.

Could you buy your house and then come back and have your wedding where you currently live and just stay in a hotel?

If you are certain then I would try to save for the wedding and house simultaneously. Once you have the house the expenses keep going up with decorations, renovations and furniture. And of course it often paves the way to thinking about starting a family.

If you can manage to run two pots of savings and plan for an unextravegant wedding it could work really well. 8k sounds a lot to spend tbh.

Dh and I met at 17 and married and bought our first home at 23. We both took on 2nd jobs and just saved like crazy, stayed living with parents to help us save. Very small wedding with no frills (no regrets) as marriage and starting a family were our priorities over the actual wedding day. We are still very happy many years later, have good jobs and a nice home. If I had my time over I wouldn't change a thing. We wouldn't have bought a house or had children without marriage though so it depends on how much importance you place on marriage I think. Not saying our way was RIGHT, just that it was right for us and you should figure out what is right for you

We could definitely do house then wedding, but my main concerns are:

1. my nan will probably be dead (we're very close and she's my last GP)
2. we will (hopefully) make new friends in the new town and would then be split between inconveniencing old and new, so many people we love/will love may be disappointed to miss it
3. We would lose touch with connections who we see socially but could help us immensely - bit grabby but I did say I was pragmatic!
4. our earning and therefore saving potential in the new town would be significantly reduced

I always imagined house-then-wedding, but that was when I also imagined being able to buy a house near my family in SE!

I really think you are overthinking it a bit op - stop worrying about other people missing the wedding - if they want to go then they will. Lots of people get married far from their home town. Stop worrying about these things, it will most likely be a small wedding anyway as you say money is an issue. Focus on what YOU want. Remember marriage is a lifetime, it is the wedding that is only one day. Don't plan your whole future over worries around just one day of it!

Also I should have mentioned, DP is a tradesman and the likelihood of us buying a fixer-upper is pretty damn high due to his obsession with projects (and my sick pleasure from micromanaging the aesthetics of his projects - it's teamwork, honest). So the house would be a financial black hole, almost certainly.

I agree totally and would actually be happy with a registry office thing after work, an indefinite time in the future. However DP has a lifelong dream of planning a festival and has declared that this will be our wedding. I'm fully on board with this but it will obviously be more expensive! I'm the practical one, and as I want him to realise this dream, it's more or less my duty to figure out how many years we need

I definitely do overthink. Thanks for indulging me... it's a slow day...

In an ideal world, wearing my realist hat, since you are do sure about each other, you should get married before you buy a house together with your dp and before you have children together.

The only exception - and this is really thinking cynically - is if you are going to be the main breadwinner and/or vastly outstrip your husband's earnings over time.

You are not unreasonable and in fact sensible to want the wedding to kick this off this chain of events. I too set the wheels in motion with my now dh in that exact order.

It is not the most romantic, but I am a planner with impeccable execution Your wedding, I suspect, will run like clockwork on the day.

I personally think I would aim to get married before buying a house. A house is a huge financial and legal commitment. If you're committed enough to each other to take that step, same with children, I think equally you should be ready to be married - assuming you want to be married (not everyone does). I wouldn't focus on the wedding. The wedding is one day and honestly it's not all that important. Our wedding was lovely, but it really is just one day and not even an especially important day in terms of your relationship. We've been together 10 years now and we've had so many other big days that completely eclipse our wedding day. I really hardly think about it now and have little sentimental attachment to it, even though it was wonderful. It's still just a day. I would focus on the marriage. What does being married mean for you and your relationship and your finances, etc? That's really the more important bit. I wouldn't speed up being married or delay it for the sake of the wedding if that makes sense. If you are ready to be married, then I'd do it, but if not, I'd wait. I think it's good to be pragmatic. We got married for fairly pragmatic reasons (I'm not British, we live in the UK and we were sick of being long distance and for immigration reasons, it's much easier to be together if we're married), but I would pragmatic about the marriage rather than about wedding planning.

You would be a cf than to do anything other than offer the market rate to these friends with talents and resources. No matter the timeframe

Jeeeeeez OP you're 24 years old! An engagement is supposed to be a fun and romantic thing just let things happen. Stop trying to plan every detail of your life. Relax!

YANBU to open the discussion about time scales. It might not be very romantic, but then you both know where you stand.

If you're set on having an 8k wedding, do that before you buy a house, otherwise it'll just keep on getting shelved. Personally, I wouldn't spend that much on one day (our wedding cost less than £1500 including our rings and a meal for 19, and that was bad enough). The marriage is the important bit, so you need to enter into it knowing that you're on the same page for the important things. If he won't marry you unless the party is exactly as he wants it, be wary.

I'm not set on an £8k wedding, but my best mate is having a more conventional wedding with similar guest numbers and her budget has crept up to £15k! I don't know much about wedding costs but if we were to fund it entirely by ourselves, £8k would be comfortable.

Don't be silly, of course we would pay money to friends & family, but having a wide social circle in events/festivals is only going to help when planning a festival themed event!

Marriage is a tough one for me, I have no married role models. Most of my family is divorced. I'm terrified of being left, the way my mum was for OW. I'm not saying marriage prevents that - but my DP is the opposite of me in that respect and bloody loves a fairytale marriage (like his parents), he's a soppy sod. For me it would mean surrendering the burden of my independence and giving all my trust to DP, becoming an official unit and team, which makes me well up just thinking about it. Financially I am the higher earner, with tonnes more savings, however it's likely that will change as DP is in a career with an upwards trajectory whereas I prioritise my principles over any other job satisfaction, living in London I can make a good living from upholding my ethical beliefs but I'm more than prepared to live on min wage or start my own enterprise if that's what it takes when we move.

This feels like a bit of a test - is that what I should think of marriage? I know it's not all roses and butterflies, we've been through some very gruelling times already, but we've come out so much stronger and I want to be a family - his image of a family, not mine.

The time limit on elderly relatives is an excellent reason to get a shift on. Late afternoon registry office , nice meal out, 20 people or less. Few hundred quid, done.

Fart about with dresses, flowers, hats, music, frilly crap later on if you can be bothered.

Bless you. I can’t imagine sticking with a partner I met as a teenager but I know plenty of success stories who have.
Why is your independence a “burden”? That’s a strange phrase to me.
Can I ask why you are planning to move somewhere that will reduce your earning potential? Is there something there that outweighs this?

I agree- relax! I don’t even understand why you are worrying about money? £8k is an ok budget if you can get people to help out. Everything you’re trying to do is just normal, don’t let it overwhelm you.

For me it would mean surrendering the burden of my independence and giving all my trust to DP, becoming an official unit and team, which makes me well up just thinking about it.

A good marriage between 2 persons is greater than the sum of its parts. When you get married, your finances gets so unbelievably intertwined that it is not possible to realistically unravel. Marriage allows a couple to do long term financial planning because of the protection it offers. No need for counting pennies or contributions, because everything goes into the same pot. Which is probably why divorce courts award settlements on the basis of a percentage of total marital assets. It is the legal vehicle to accommodate ups and downs and careers moving at different speeds at different times of a couple's life.

I don't think I would feel safe to contribute freely, particularly monetarily, to a marriage unless I felt my dh was equally committed within the legal framework of a marriage. Hence, the personal need to be married before buying a house together or starting a family.

It is two becomes one

Yep, just get on with it. You’re sure, you’re agreed, so what you waiting for?!

Get married before you TTC.

I am the kind of gal who is never more relaxed than when she has a well thought-out plan

We are moving for quality of life. We have zero aspirations to be wealthy, just to be secure.

This all just occured to me this morning - we've been so excited about the idea of moving away now that we've settled on the perfect location; but hadn't thought through the implications to the rest of our timeline. I'm excited to talk to DP tonight, I'll ask him when he imagined this happening.

You could do what I did 30 years ago. Booked register office for two weeks time. Told very nearest family. Got married. Got it out of the way.