Need some pep talk, sinking.

[user1482573375]

Hi, I'm struggling with life at the moment. I'm 40 in 2 months, I have BPD, 1 son who is 8 and a long term partner of 13 years, I am a SAHM.
I have always suffered anxiety and depression. I attempted suicide at 20.
My father & younger brother have MH issues and suspected aspergers and I try my best to care for them. My mother is dead. My older brother is an alcoholic, who I am NC with. I had a chaotic childhood due to parents problems, but get on OKish with dad now.
My partners dad committed suicide and I highly suspect my partner is a depressive as well. He's never wanted to marry me and wouldn't let me have anymore kids. He's always been very good at helping with my family. I'm lonely with him, he never wants to do anything and we don't even sleep in the same bed.
My son doesn't need me as much and I bitterly regret not having more kids.
My dad has cataracts and it may not work to have the operation. His sight is bad. Im not sure about him moving in with us, but would be happy to have him. He won't because my younger brother is in and out of his house, although he lives at his girlfriends house most of time. She has MH issues as well. Which causes additional worry.
I look after his son a lot, ( I am more like his grandma), he has split from nephews mum.
I have 2 best friends and am close to 2 female relatives. Semi close to sister in law
I am useless in social situations, I never had the chance to go to university etc due to background. Never achieved what I wanted in life, feel cheated with that.
My partner has had a cough for 11 weeks now. Had an xray that was clear at 6 weeks. Worried sick he's got cancer and will die. I couldn't cope on my own.
I'm just so depressed and feel like I shouldn't feel like this. I feel cheated so much in life, like I've never had what I wanted. I'm feeling really bitter about it.
I've got no confidence and people don't seem to respond to me anyway.
Just feel empty and like my life is over. My anxiety is terrible.
I know I am being unreasonable, could you snap me out of it?

I wish I could think of the right words to help but I think you need real life support. You have a lot on your plate. I think its worth asking at your GP practice what support there is for carers in your area. There may well be a lot they can do practically.

It's only a small thing in amongst all that, but jumped out to me about the university and that your DS needs you less (am sure that's not true emotionally) - is there something you'd like to study now? Even if it's not a degree yet or open uni or something? Anything that could help build your confidence and be a positive something for you' in amongst all the stresses?

That is a lot of shit on your plate. It’s all too much and so you need to break it down and tackle the small bits firsts.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Do that.

Join a gym, start running, so something to kick start those endorphins and start to feel
More uplifted.

Do those 2 things and clear your head a little.

Then start tackling the other stuff.

Career- can you volunteer in an area of interest? Become a parent reader at your sons school?

You talk about other people in the whole of your post.

What about you? What are YOU doing for fun, hobbies, looking at training for work, or just doing a course to meet new people. Start doing some fitness work even if it's just going for a daily walk. Untie the apron strings to your son so you have time for yourself, don't take on your DF as he will be with you for ever and you need to be looking after yourself not anyone else for once.