To not want my mum's involvement with her first grandchild

[Mummblebee]

Hi mum's,

I am due with DD1 at the end of march but honestly starting to feel anxiety.
The relationship I have with my own mother has been strained for a good few years now. We just can not get along or compromise. My mum has a very Victorian view of "children should be seen and not heard mentality" and I'm not the type to keep my opinions to myself, especially as I got older and was no longer as frightened of her as I was growing up. Long story short she can be quite cold and aggressive and our relationship has always pretty much been me staying out of her way for an easier life.
I'm considering the type of atmosphere I want to expose my daughter too.. aibu to completely distance myself from my mother. I don't want to break her heart but I need to protect my daughter from this toxic relationship which harms my emotional well being. It's my mum's first grandchild..

Can I walk away from this or should I be loyal to my mother despite how she makes me feel?

You are not under any obligation to have your mother in your life. Protecting your child, but also yourself, needs to be your main priority. I don't have a good relationship with my mother and it took me years of therapy to realise that I don't owe her a relationship and that it's ok to listen to my gut and protect myself. I don't have children so had to make the decision for myself.

If your mother is too challenging for you to deal with, it doesn't sound like a good idea to expose a tiny child to her. You're right to be thinking about this now OP

It’s entirely up to you. Your child, your choice. Is it possible to play it by ear and have some short visits initially? Then see how it goes? This obviously depends on how close you live to her.

Some grandparents are far softer with their gc than they ever were with their own dc. Only you can decide how to proceed but to cut her out completely is quite harsh unless she’s really awful.

I wouldn't expose my DC to a toxic environment. After you give birth you'll be very tired and emotional anyway, and tempers will probably flare far more easily. I'd keep my distance 'till things have settled, and then perhaps lay down some ground rules - and if she won't stick to them then that's her loss. Good luck!

She may be different with a grandchild though?

Yes I'm thinking that too, @RedHelenB . My DM is very different with my 2 DDs from how she was with us. She's really warm and affectionate with them, and loves to play with them, whereas she was harsh and distant when we were growing up, and totally focused on her business, a language school. She always thought she was approachable but she wasn't.

But the biggest difference now she's Granny rather than Mum is that I can be in charge, and if she becomes too harsh with my DDs, who are adopted, I've learned to speak up if I'm not happy with how she's speaking to them. She can try and take over, which is hard work, but I've learned to limit contact and tell her if I'm not happy.

So as long as you remember that you're the mum and don't let your mother bully you and your DD, then it is worth trying to see if she can be a Granny to your DD.

But only you can decide. Maybe therapy could help you come to the right decision for you and your DD? You could also have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, where those of us who have survived toxic families offer each other non-judgmental support.

Thank you mum's for all of your responses.

@MatildaTheCat I think it's unlikely our relationship is salvageable, and I'd be concerned that eventually the contact will provoke undesirable sides to my character. I am however willing to make a cautious effort and play it by ear.. perhaps once or twice a month for a few hours with my supervision.

Thank you @Lizzie48 I think the stately homes board would be useful to look at. I'm quite new here, please could you tell me where to find it?

Xx

I haven't worked out how to attach links, OP, but the Stately Homes thread is in the relationships section on Mumsnet. It's so named because of one poster who shared that his parents said, 'But we took you to stately homes when you were a child.' In other words that meant they were great parents.

Put you and your child first. My relationship with my DM is weird ... that is a huge thread all of its own. She doesn't see my DC often enough to have any sort of impact on their lives, but I am still trying to deal with the negativity ingrained in me by her and, to a lesser extent, my DF (not that he was any better than her, he just wasn't remotely interested in me as a child). I have often wondered about lessening contact with my DParents, as I get very agitated when they are about to visit/are in my home/have just left. The fact that they refuse to acknowledge my feelings and think they were brilliant parents doesn't help me get over it. I hate the word 'closure', but I'll never have it as they won't talk about the issues I have. My DM even did the 'talk to the hand' once when I tried to raise the subject!

I expect your mother will be fine with your baby until she can walk, talk and have a personality and so challenge your mother. This is when the toxicity will start. Best to go NC now. Easier now than later. You need to protect your DD. Your mother won’t change.

My dm was a rubbish one. She thought she had a second chance with my dc. Once the criticism and parenting suggestions started she was gone... Dc can manage more than fine without dgps.

How old is your mum, op. I'm old and those sound like pretty "niche" views. Do what is best for you and your baby. If that means keeping your mum at bay at least until you have the strength to ignore her silly dictates, then do. Being a new mum is scary and you will blame yourself enough for things you shouldn't without her "encouragement "

Thank you mums.

Thank you @Lizzie48 i will check it out.

@Piffle11 sorry to hear your feelings are being disregarded. Maybe writing your feelings in a letter and giving it to your parents will make it more difficult for them to brush off. Then atleast you can put it to rest within yourself and know that you tried everything.

@ToadsforJustice this is definitely a concern, and something for me to bare in mind.Thank you.

@gussyfinknottle mum is 61. I think it's a generational aswell as a cultural thing. I won't be adopting her views in any aspect when it comes to my DD. It's quite a scary thing because I really have no role model when it comes to being a great mum. The worst thing that could happen is I one day turn in to my mother. God forbid.

Thank you mums.
Xx