Long haul - leaving my 18m DD

[manicmumday1]

Morning MN

My DD will be 18 months and my husband and I were planning on going to Jamaica or Mexico, with my own mum coming to our house to look after DD in our absence so she will have her own bed toys etc.

We missed our honeymoon as my husband got deployed.

Has anyone went long haul and left their baby? I'm not sure if il be spending the week worrying I can't get home to her if needed as its such a long way.

my husband has said IABU

• that's your problem right there.

This isn't about being unreasonable or not. It's about selecting a holiday that both of you will enjoy, surely? If you're not comfy with going so long haul, then that's that! Just as your DH wants to go somewhere hot, so if you wanted to go to Lapland - that would also be off the table, yes?

His response indicates that HE is the problem. That he sees this as 'getting his way' and he doesn't see it as 'well what's the point if the other person going is going to be stressed and unhappy'. It's only a step on from there to assume that he's the kind of arse who actually doesn't care if you spend a week a bit tense and unhappy as long as he gets to be 'hot hot' - hmm, great. And this is your honeymoon? The irony!

You either meet in the middle and go somewhere where it's still hot but closer. Or you put it off. The very simple answer is that if your lovely new husband's first concern isn't that both of you will be equally happy and excited about the honeymoon plan you've both decided on, then he isn't such a lovely new husband after all.

It'll be 'hot hot' in the Canaries at Easter and not so far away. Plenty of luxury there if you're looking for it.

We went away twice when the DC were young, leaving them with trusted friends (who cared for them whilst I worked), and with the GP on hand.

We were at least a 12 hour flight away on both occasions.

Whilst we missed them, we had a brilliant time. The DC were probably between 4 - 7 on both occasions, and we left them a small present to open each, and that is all they remember - the excitement of present opening!

They are now in their 20s and tag along with us on most holidays - maybe it's the trauma of being dumped as youngsters, rather than the fact we pay as I'd always assumed!

Only you know whether it's for you OP - but don't let guilt stop you.

She is at a clingy age, but if she is comfortable with your mum will be ok. Your dh clearly wants a romantic time (which you did not have because of HIS work) so if you can enjoy it do go, if not you will both be miserable and he should wait.

Actually yes Easter - plenty of HOT places that are closer.

Yes, several times. The thing is I know that DS is in great hands, his relationship with his grandparents is a deep and wonderful thing because they have spent time like this. We missed each other but in so glad you’re home way. In the event I had to call me home early I’d stick the flight on a credit card and go.

Just another thought, your DH being deployed means presumably he spends much less time with you and DD overall? So would go regularly without seeing you both and has become used to it?
So he's already had the adjustment period, except when he was leaving DD he was leaving her with you - he knew you'd look after her because you're her mum. I would think he's so used to doing it now that he can't get his head around why it would be difficult for you, so you need to make him understand that.
Don't be forced into leaving DD and going away if you are really not comfortable with it, you'll resent your DH for it and it'll cloud your judgement for future opportunities to get away together because you'll remember the anxiety and worry from the first time.
Also, it's your honeymoon too, you should have a say in where it's spent

Well put Monkeys.
This is a very personal issue and not logical... it's about feelings.
DD knows your mother well and you know that she will be fine. She might miss you a bit but it's only for a few days. On the other hand you are used to being there for her and are anticipating missing her.
I have very rarely spent nights away from my children. I know they are fine ; I just feel that if I am away on holiday I would prefer it to be with the family. I am also motivated by not imposing on family members .
It isn't logical it is just the way I feel.

I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t want to be In Your mother’s position either.

I wouldn't do it. It's far and a long time. It's not the end of the world to have missed the exact honeymoon dh wanted. It's just a holiday!

I went to a conference on the West coast USA when DS2 was just over 2. He stayed with my sister. I hated it. I was still BF so got engorged and he was just too young to understand.

Having said that, we are no worse the wear for it and as I'd been invited to speak at the conference it was important for my career that I went.

I would be more worried about the fact both of those destinations have at least a moderate risk of Zika virus as you're planning on ttc later this year, as other people have said there are hot places with far less risk.

What about The Canaries? They will be nice and hot and lots of luxurious places to stay and the flight/distance is not as far.
Would thoroughly recommend Puerto Mogan in southern Gran Canaria.

I wouldn't want to leave 18mo ds for more than a couple of nights tbh. When I was in hospital for 3 nights I missed him so much even though he visited me. I'm aware I might be a saddo though.
Wouldn't bother going long haul for a week, half of it you'll be recovering from jet lag & the travel.
Why not Canary Islands? They're hot at Easter time and much closer. Could also invite your Mum so you could all go and you'd have a babysitter?

That's really far. Personally I wouldn't leave four year old ds for even an overnight yet. No way I'd go for that long or that far.

Each to their own though.

I missed that you're ttc soon. You are being very silly going to places with zika. It's not worth the risk.

I had to travel long haul quite a bit with work; China& India when my DS was 1, Japan, US & Malaysia when he was 2. It was always absolutely fine, he coped really well & the time went quickly. Having said that, I never left him for more than 3 nights in a row & he was with DH. And I only did those trips because I absolutely had to for work. I wouldn't choose to holiday away from him ever, but that's partly because we don't have GPs who're capable of looking after him, & I have to spend lots of time away from him for work so massively resent any unavoidable time apart.

Monkey -

You have hit the nail on the head with him being deployed / working away a lot he is used to leaving her a lot, she is used to not seeing that much until the weekends so I guess we have different feelings towards it.

To everyone warning me about Zika, I am aware of this risks but as I said it would be at the end of the year, so we'll put of the six month probation period.

Not overly keen on the Canaries, and he's just back from Cyprus (work) so that's out.

Il see if we can work round it by maybe going to Dubai for a couple of days, we live in London so there is a lot of regular flights back.

Thanks for everyone's advice, it's certainly given me food for thought. X

If you are going to worry and spoil the holiday for yourself and your Dh then I would go somewhere like Canaries, would be hot at that time of year.
But we always had a week every year on our own. It was something that we looked forward to. You have to think of your relationship as well as your Dc.
You and your Dh should enjoy some time together and be free of all responsibility, one week surely isn't too much to ask for.

Thank you Honky, that's what my DH said as well.

Certainly have a lot of different views to consider now X

I went to a funeral in America when my dd was 18 months left her with parents for a week. No problem at all. I FaceTimed every day. I would only trust my parents for this.

It is actually harder when they are a bit older as they want to go with you.