AIBU to think that this girl should have been punished.

[fallenblossom]

Opinions very welcome, and I’ll try to keep it brief and not dripfeed.

My DD is 12 and over the weekend discovered that her best friend (A) posted a video of my DD dancing, to one of her many Instagram accounts. DD says it had been up for a couple of months and that she only just saw it, and was embarrassed as it was ‘a silly video made in private’. She expressed her upset to A and A deleted it.

All of this communication took place via WhatsApp and resulted in DD being called immature for being so upset and that it was a FINSTA account (I had to look it up, means fake account. Though not fake as it still requires real life followers) meant to be fun for friends, (she has 60 followers on this particular account) and that DD 'wasn’t following her'. DD insisted that she hadn’t even asked her permission etc. A asked if she was looking for an apology and DD told her bye. I insisted she leave phone alone and we went out for lunch.

Upon return DD asked me to check her phone - as I had removed it. I found messages from A’s cousin (A must have passed over DD’s phone number) telling her she is as dumb as she looks and to have fun with the friends she doesn’t have and to see a doctor as she must have head trauma etc etc. By this point DD is crying. I forwarded messages and briefing of what had gone on to her parents. They are divorced and I am on good terms with both.

Some hours later both parents apologise and express their disappointment at both A and her 13.5 year old cousin, saying A will apologise, and that they have talked to her.
I then saw that A was back posting on her main Instagram, with cousin boasting about having her phone back.

For context: Girls are long time friends but now at different high schools. We live abroad and girls are bilingual, all communications were in English so no room for misunderstanding. We are family friends. I don’t know the cousin or her family. I am friends with A's mother particularly, and both girls have had a very close and loving relationship.

AIBU to think this girl wasn’t punished at all, and that I don’t wish for my DD to continue this friendship? DD is quite devastated and is off school today due to ‘bad stomach pains’. I’ve tried to remain calm and slept on it, but I cannot see any other side to this than spitefulness and bullying. I know I cannot expect other parents to punish as I would, but at the very least DD would have had all her electronics confiscated for the foreseeable.

The parents apologised, I don’t think you’re going to get much better than that OP. The girls have probably got away lightly but stewing on it won’t make you feel any better.

The upshot is your DD can now see this friend for what she is and be wary of her going forward. Stomach pains are likely down to stress, bless her, but don’t let her avoid school too long or it’ll make it that much harder to go back.

I agree with you. I wouldn’t be encouraging or facilitating any contact between her and your daughter, and I’d be watching them like a hawk.

But I don’t think you should make a big deal of it YET, because that will just make the friendship look more attractive.

How do oyu know she hasn't been punished?
She's not likely to be bragging about a punishment over Instagram. Just because you would remove electronics, doesn't mean other parent punish in the same way.
As a parent, I wouldn't be discussing how I parent/punish my children either.

You can't tell other parents how to discipline their children.

I would absolutely confiscate electronics and delete instagram accounts if they were my children but sadly, not all parents are very willing to face their children's flaws.

I think you're right to discourage the friendship but like @TheStoic said, I'd encourage your DD to come to this conclusion herself.

I'm really sorry this has happened - what a horrible experience for you

Well the very fact she was back on social media same day as DD received these messages says at the very least she still had her phone and access to the internet.

I will leave it up to DD, I just feel so sorry for her sadness. It is hard at this age, and this is the first time I have had to get involved in my child's friendships.

Thank you for your replies.

I think your 12 yo is too young to have Insta. I don't think you can leave it to your DD, she's too young to manage this alone.

I would be very disappointed in the parents - esp your family - and I'd make a point of saying it the next time I saw them.

Your DD needs to be friends with decent people, those girls are not going to add any value to her life. Cousin or not, I'd ask DD to delete and block and that I would deal with any family fall out

She took the video off that should have been the end of the matter.

I am so sorry that this happened to your DD but you must realise that you had a small part to play in this OP. Your DD is 12 and has many Instagram accounts according to you.

You have to be 13 or over to have an Instagram account for a reason (such as the one you describe here) and by letting your DD have free reign on a medium that opens her to abuse/cyberbullying/hacking, well, I'm not sure how you can be surprised to be honest.

Taken from Instagram itself Instagram requires everyone to be at least 13 years old before they can create an account (in some jurisdictions, this age limit may be higher). If your child is younger than 13 and created an account on Instagram, you can show them how to delete their account.

I think a little more education on exactly what your DD is using, both on your part and your DDs would be a good lesson to be learnt from this.

Rolyrocks, its the friend A who's has many accounts, not the OP's DD

Your DD is 12 and has many Instagram accounts according to you

No, A has many Instagram accounts. It's not clear whether DD has an Instagram account at all.

My apologies OP. Thanks for correcting me. I'd still be wary of free access to Whats App and other social media that opens your DD up to cyberbullying, though.

You have to be 13 or over to have an Instagram account for a reason

I believe the reason is something to do with US laws on keeping information about minors. Instagram really don't set their rules with any thought to bullying or maturity of the users they don't want to get into any legal trouble.

Parents know best if their children ar ready for social media accounts, there are many over 13 year olds who can't cope, it's not a magic age.

I’m sorry your DD has been upset by all of this.

However, try not to let it blow up out of all proportion.

My DD is 12 and over the weekend discovered that her best friend (A) posted a video of my DD dancing, to one of her many Instagram accounts. DD says it had been up for a couple of months and that she only just saw it, and was embarrassed as it was ‘a silly video made in private’. She expressed her upset to A and A deleted it

A did something a bit mean, they argued about it, A removed it.

I’m failing to see why she needs to be punished? 12 year olds do things that are a bit mean, you explain why it’s not on & you move on. They don’t speak to each other like adults, they’ve got quite a bit of tact & diplomacy to learn yet, though in someways I envy their much more honest language.

The cousin was pretty nasty, but that’s not A’s responsibility, nor should it affect your DD & A’s friendship.

It’s hard when your child is hurting, but you’re making too much of this.

You missed out the bit where A gave the OP’s phone number to her cousin so that she could bully the OP’s DD

Parents know best if their children ar ready for social media accounts, there are many over 13 year olds who can't cope, it's not a magic age.

In my experience, many many parents really have no clue and certainly don't know best - they don't even know what their children are doing the majority of the time or even anything about the programs their children are using/have accounts with. They just like the fact it keeps their children 'occupied' and quiet in their rooms.

NOT saying this is what the OP is doing but it certainly explains why A is allowed free reign, along with her cousin...