To ask, if you’ve struggled with a fear of death, how did you overcome it?

[TeamTom22]

I’ve name changed for this. I know it’s not really an AIBU, but I’ve posted in chat and response is slow.

I’m so scared of dying, my children dying, my husband dying or anyone that matters to me dying.

Sometimes the feelings are so intense that I just wish my life would all be over and done with so that I don’t have to live in fear anymore.

I’m definitely not suicidal, I would never take my own life and don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but when the thought crosses my mind of death, it is just an absolute overwhelming fear.

Has anyone experienced this? Please, please help. I can’t go on like this.

what part of "dying" frightens you? seeing them in pain? living without them? or something else?

If it’s affecting your day go day life OP I would recommend visiting your GP and asking about CBT or similar.

You've posted twice about this, haven't you?

You do sound v distressed, please seek RL help.

It’s the end part that scares me. For example, finding out I have a terminal illness and knowing the end is coming for me. Leaving my young children motherless is part of it. The thought of someone I love being diagnosed with something terminal and watching them gradually die without being able to stop it. That’s what I fear, it’s such an all consuming fear that it almost feels like I’m living with something terminal. I apologise in advance to anyone reading this who may be in that situation and I really don’t mean to cause offence to anyone. It’s just on my mind so much and I am living out all these scenarios in my head on a daily basis.

I think it's quite normal OP. No one wants to think about not being here for our children and loved ones, and it's not something we can ask people about experiencing so it remains very unknown. It's also quite a taboo and people don't talk about it. I went through a crippling fear of it after my son was stillborn, but never verbalised it to anyone as I thought they'd think I was going mad. I think as I've got older I've accepted that it's a natural thing that will happen to all of us, and DH and I had a good chat after his dad passed away that neither of us would prolong each others lives unnecessarily or let each other suffer. Would talking to your DH about it help?

All of us fear that kind of thing, and having children compounds it, BUT when the thoughts become overwhelming, intrusive and you find yourself unable to think of anything else, that is NOT normal and you do not need to continue feeling like that.

Seek RL help - it is out there.
This is a common problem, you are not alone.
You will not always feel like this.

Most of us manage a fair level of denial and just 'lalalala' having our fingers in our ears while we go about our lives not thinking about what may or may not be around the corner.

What you are doing is known as 'catastrophising' and a symptom of worsening anxiety.

Yeah. It does sound like you need a little help.

But in general terms getting older does help because it becomes a much more normal and familiar part of life rather than the huge drama it seems when you're young. It's still extremely sad. But like most things becomes familiar.

Put it this way, your first bungee jump would be a huge massive big deal, completely new and unfamiliar. Your 57th would be much more routine and just a part of your life.

so is it really the death part (final moment breath) or incurable illness?

I suppose it’s incurable illness. I never thought of it like that.

Thank you for everyone’s replies so far. It’s taking over and reducing me to tears sometimes. This is just unbearable.

Not necessarily just an incurable illness, but a terminal illness.

Sorry you're having a bad time with this.

I had this quite badly following serious illness. It is very distressing.

I think time and distraction have helped. Keeping busy. It has a tendency to return and haunt me though. I wish I was religious, I'm sure it would help. But I'm not. I would like to reach the point Elton describes.

I second the pp who suggests CBT. Might be helpful for you.

christmascardqueen do you have experience of this?

I've worked as a nurse for over 30 yrs. I've come to terms with death and dying.

Im not scared of dying as such now but I do feel scared about loved one dying. Not to a point where I think about it all the time or even that often. I do think it is normal and went through a phase where I was scared to go to sleep as I was scared I would die. I dont know how I got over it, I just did.

But I do think talking to your GP about this could benefit you. It sounds like it is causing you severe anxiety.

I often feel similar OP and often at the happiest of times. The thought of my young children growing up without a mother is unbearable, made a thousand times worse probably because that is how I grew up myself and I struggled so much.

I'm not sure how to control it but as a PP said, I tend to stick my fingers in my ears and chant to myself that I will worry about it if I have to and will enjoy the here and now by being the best mum I can be. Do you remember a tv programme called Fake It? The contestants had to pretend to be in a profession usually completely opposite their own one. I tend to try to fake it until I make it when those thoughts occur. x

Thanks all. I try to shut the feelings out but when I do manage that, they just come back with even more intensity.

OP, I know exactly what you are talking about. This started for me when I was about to turn 30, I was randomly watching an episode of Scrubs where an old guy knew he was going to die and I just started shaking and sobbing, it was as if I had suddenly just realised that I, and everyone I loved, would eventually die. Sounds ridiculous, but up to that point it had just been sort of background knowledge rather than me actually processing it.

I'm afraid the only way I deal with it is by being in denial most of the time, as well as trying to focus on enjoying the here and now. Every now and then, it washes over me though, and I can end up uncontrollably sobbing. It's usually at night, I have to say.

Not a huge amount of good advice but want you to know I do completely understand how you feel.

100 times worse since I had children, as well. So terrified of something happening to them, me or my partner.

Antidepressant antianxiety medication from the doctor.

no one likes or wants an incurable terminal illness, part of this fear (which on a certain level would be normal) is why there is a huge health care industry, why people go to the a&e or dr.
why do so many people want to be a healthy weight or avoid exposure to the sun?
but like others have suggested if it's overwhelming speaking to a professional will help.

Geordiegirl79 interestingly enough, I’m 29.

Ah, that is interesting. Yes, it just hit me so badly at that age.

I used to worry about this all the time, but what you are experiencing, the constant intrusive thoughts, that strikes me very much as a form of health anxiety. I would go to your G.P and describe everything, yes it's a normal fear, but it shouldn't be taking over your life like this. I am severely disabled and had septicemia in November, I went through several weeks of fear and horror at how fragile life is. I am on anxiety medication thankfully which stopped my mind from obsessing over it constantly. I used to have intrusive thoughts and crippling anxiety and having gone on duloxetine, it truly showed me that I didn't need to live with anxiety. Please see your G.P, it doesn't need to be like that.

To read books written by people who have lost dear ones or people who have terminal illness and write about it?

Here is one (definitely worth the read):
www.amazon.com/Rowing-Without-Oars-Memoir-Living/dp/0670034754?tag=mumsnetforum-21
Blurb here: www.curledup.com/rownoars.htm