To be a bit sad that he's turned out to be such a loser?

[Woollylane]

Sorry for the inflammatory title. I might be a bit vague as I don't want to out myself.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend, he was a bit of a no hoper, wasted all his money gambling, stole from me, a liar, a nasty violent streak, very shallow, no real ambition but talked the talk, always big ideas and empty promises, boring as can be, but was also handsome, charming and very manipulative.

To cut a long story short we had a baby together and he left me high and dry all alone and in a right mess emotionally and financially (another woman). I picked myself up and carried on and we never had direct contact, but for a while it looked like he'd made a big success of his life and I thought maybe it was all just me. I've never had much self esteem so it was easy to believe.

Easy to believe it was probably just me, but nice to think that my son did have a dad out there even if they weren't in contact.

My life isn't perfect now but I'm settled down with a family, had more children I would say I am a responsible adult, I've brought our son up, I'm doing ok.

Turns out history has repeated itself for my ex, years later he hasn't changed, still just hanging around pubs and gambling, almost like he never grew up. Most of his crowd long since moved on and started families and just a few stragglers left.

What saddens me is I see a lot of him in my lovely son could be genetic or could be coincidence but I want my son to have a better life and I'm afraid that we turn out like our parents. I also worry that if my son one day ever wanted to get in touch, what is he going to see?

I wouldn't worry about your son turning out like him. Nurture counts for far more than nature and we only turn out like our parents because we are so heavily influenced by them while growing up. Your ds has no contact with his father, so is not being influenced or picking up on modelled behaviour in any way.

As for what your ds will think of his father if he ever meets him - well, having you as his primary influence, and a strong male role model in your dp, he is likely to be disappointed and consider him to be a bit of a loser. They may develop some sort of bond in years to come, but your ds is highly unlikely to want to emulate him.

Thanks for replying, just what I needed to hear.

Often people forget that my dh isn't sons real dad and they'll see a trait in ds (not necessarily a bad one) and say they wonder who he gets that from.

It's a strange thing when you have a child with someone. Even though you have no feelings towards them because they have a connection with your child, you want the best for your child.

Don't worry, you can be genetically very alike to your parents but it doesn't mean you'll make the same mistakes, especially if they've had no influence over your upbringing

Read this article by the journalist Stephen Bush, who grew up with an absent father. I think you'll find it really moving - it makes the point that it's the involved parent who is the defining influence on a child's life and the adult they become.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2017/12/tube-i-saw-father-i-d-never-met-and-was-happy-find-i-had-nothing-say-him%3famp