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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants me to travel halfway for child contact

57 replies

Nitika2 · 28/01/2018 22:05

I hope someone can give me advice on this

My ex lives about 90 miles away and travels to see our daughter for six hours but now he wants me to travel halfway. I can not drive and travelling halfway means travelling with my daughter by public transport which I can not afford financially.

he said he will take me to court if I do not agree and I can not afford going to solicitors as well.

I have never caused any hurdle in their contact/relationship and always kept him updated regarding our daughters development/life but I cannot afford to travel after every two weeks.

He also pays child maintenance now...

Will court order me to take our daughter halfway, even if I cannot financially do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nitika2 · 28/01/2018 22:53

bellie710

but is it ok for two year old to travel an hour and half by buses and a train and then again travel by his car to go to his house and then same journey for the evening?

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 28/01/2018 22:55

Courts do expect it to be shared unfortunately

Also, as you are in receipt of child benefit, child maintenance and likely child tax credits then there's also an expectation that you will facilitate the travel for your child

That's how it is, not what I think!

RunningOutOfCharge · 28/01/2018 22:56

Also, it could be that they suggest your child goes overnight to alleviate the tiring travel/journey..... so be careful with that

Original poster
Nitika2 · 28/01/2018 22:58

No he did not instead he said i will abduct our daughter and never come back and made lots of other allegations and told lies a lot in the court and made me look like a bad mother
which is why I'm scared to go to the court as he is very good at manipulating and twisting things
i don't think judges will see what he is trying to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Nitika2 · 28/01/2018 23:00

RunningOutOfCharge
but all my money goes to our rents, bills etc.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 28/01/2018 23:01

Op has he said any of this over text? That would help in court. Don't let him intimidate you, YOU need to take HIM to court so there's a formal arrangement and he can't steal your DD. Police can't help you without a court order if he did take your child.

Valerrie · 28/01/2018 23:01

Do not entertain it. You need a residency order.

Court need to get involved - if he wants contact, he travels.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 28/01/2018 23:02

A court will likely make you do it. Sorry. I had to in a similar situation, he moved. You need proper legal advice and representation in court

ThisLittleKitty · 28/01/2018 23:05

If you don't want to go court can't you compromise in some way and maybe meet closer for him but not half way. So say get the two buses? But not the train. If you don't drive then I assume you use buses so must be able to afford them or buy a bus pass.

maybaby17 · 28/01/2018 23:06

Travel expenses can be taken in to consideration for child maintenance. Dependant on amount, distance and regularity.

This could ultimately reduce his maintenance to you, if through CMS/CSA.

I think it has be at least £10 minimum per week/averaged. This can now be included in the calculation as well as overnight stays. Receipts and verification from you will have to be sought and it has to be reasonable. I.e he can't claim a taxi if a bus is cheaper and accessible.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/01/2018 23:10

If a judge said a year ago it would be too far I don't see that much would have changed. Driving is a lot easier than taking buses and trains especially for a day visit. I assume he comes to your town and sees her there, so with this change she would have to travel over 90 minutes to him and then be driven 90 minutes back. It's a lot for a regular arrangement. Simply don't agree to it. Stall him for a while by asking if he can think of any other compromises, but if he wants it to go to court, let it go to court. And look around for an advocate who can help speak on your behalf.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 28/01/2018 23:25

It sounds as if he's using this as a form of control. Going on what you've told us about him, I would tell him that if he's that keen on seeing your daughter, he needs to put the effort in to visit her.

You don't owe him anything OP.

RunningOutOfCharge · 28/01/2018 23:33

if he wants contact, he travels

No. It's not about him, it's aboutfacilitating a relationship with the child's father, for the childs benefit not his....

Valerrie · 28/01/2018 23:34

Nope, sorry. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his child, he needs to make the effort.

If he's capable of DV, he shouldn't be around a child on his own anyway.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2018 23:43

I don't think it would be fair to ask you to use public transport if he drives. Why not offer to go half with him for petrol costs as a kind of half way meeting point. I also thought you meant a six hour drive. Ninety miles is a fair distance. That's 180 miles altogether per round trip. But as others have said perhaps you should avoid going to court in case the judge orders you should do half the travelling.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/01/2018 23:48

As long as you provide evidence to back up your claim you can't afford it the court will not order it. Especially with regard to his violence.

It's not in the child's best interest anyway to face a far longer journey on public transport when he has a car.

Call his bluff.

BanginChoons · 28/01/2018 23:49

Have you contacted Women's Aid for advice? Due to the domestic abuse, you could be able to receive free legal representation.

Mary1935 · 28/01/2018 23:54

Hi Op he's happily travelled and done the journey previously so what's changed? He hopefully won't have a leg to stand on IF he takes you to court. I'd wait for his letter from a solicitor before I act (although information is power).
The previous judge said long journeys aren't good for your child.He may need reminding of that.
He hasn't got your daughters best interest has he? He's still trying to call the shots and control you.
As it was DV, depending on how long ago, you may get legal aid if he has a conviction and your earning are below £11,000 approx.
Have you done the Freedom course OP. I hope you have some real life support.
He's being difficult (unless he's lost his job and has no money!!!)
He maybe trying to intimidate - maybe just say - I will await a letter from your solicitor - if he carries on and do not engage.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/01/2018 06:53

When I was in this situation the Court decided we had to take it in turns, but he had to pay my travel costs. But how is 90 miles 6 hours?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/01/2018 06:53

When I was in this situation the Court decided we had to take it in turns, but he had to pay my travel costs. But how is 90 miles 6 hours?

BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2018 07:01

ask how it is in the child's best interests to have an increase in travelling time.

Thanxpanx · 29/01/2018 07:19

My ex asked this but I agreed as we both had cars. I would have refused if I had to use public transport.

My ex took me to court many times as he was furious that I divorced him and he lost every single time because his demands were unreasonable and not in the best interests of our children.
I found courts to be very fair and fully aware of how a bullying man acts as they've seen it a million times.

Do not be intimidated by his threats!! Once you cave in they will increase.
The courts will not support this is in my experience as you don't have a car or the money and he has a history of DV.
Courts always always put the child's needs first but only in so far as a mother can reasonably be expected to manage.
You need to keep records of his threats and a diary.
You can get a free hour with a solicitor for legal advice and to apply for legal aid.
Do not cave in to a bully not ever. I've repeated this because it's vital. Every time a bully wins they escalate their demands.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/01/2018 07:30

Do you have evidence of his threat to abduct her? If so, take it to the police.

I would also check if you can have an advocate in court - a relative or close friend who can speak on your behalf.

And definitely speak to Women’s Aid - they’re very knowledgable about this sort of thing.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 07:31

Just remind him what the court said last time & tell him to take you back to court if he thinks they’ll have change their mind 🙄

Why/how did contact progress to being unsupervised?

VileyRose · 29/01/2018 07:35

Anyone asking how 90miles takes 6 hrs has never been on the m25 😑 my 120 miles easily takes 6hrs on a Friday or Sunday. Anyway I went to court and I only have to go an hour, not half way. So courts are not always unfair x

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