To ask if you let your baby cry

[Hippydippydoo]

Having a conversation amongst a group of mum's at a recent baby group, the topic of crying came up.

One mum had adopted the cio to try to get her baby to sleep through the night, I believe she is around 9 months old, with success. Other mum's in the group discussed that they didn't let their baby cry, and cio wasn't for them. Fair enough.

I felt a bit stuck in the conversation, I wouldn't say I have let my dd cio, however I have left her to cry. For example I would lie her down in her cot for a nap, and she would instantly start crying, I would then put my arm through the bars and place a hand on her chest, pop a dummy in etc, and eventually she would stop crying. I never took her out of the cot and it could sometimes go on for 30-45 minutes.

When other mum's say they never let their babies cry, do they literally mean that the moment they cry they are picked up, and even 1 minute of crying is not ok. Or are they exclusively talking about cio, laying baby down and walking away?

I just don't understand the sentence "I never leave my baby to cry" and to what extreme this is meant?

Any mum's that "don't let their babies cry" shed any light on this?

I didn't leave ds to cry until he was over 12 months and I was very confident that I knew the difference between whinging and distress... and even then I had a ten minute maximum which fortunately, even when I did a sort of controlled crying sleep training, only happened 2-3 times.

I don't actually know whether that was a good approach... ds is a happy, confident, affectionate 2.5 year old who now shouts for me (using my first name if he really means it!) rather than cries. But my mental and physical health suffered - I think largely as a result of exhaustion - and I'm not sure I could do it again. Dd is due in a couple of weeks and it's something I'm anxious about'

I never let my babies cry. With the first one, I wouldn't have had the patience to spend 45 mn next to a cot soothing them for a start. I did (stupidly) try the controlled crying technique at 8-9 months I think, and it was a disaster. Baby crying himself to sleep would end up waking up several times during the night instead of sleeping more or less through. Never ever again.

For the others, it was easier. A crying baby would have woken up everybody, so I didn't even asked myself the question.
If baby was happy being put down in his cot, fine, if it wasn't I wouldn't leave them there.

I've never left my baby to cry but she's still under a year. If a baby is crying they need something, whether it be food or a cuddle. If she cries I go to her straight away. But she also happily goes to sleep on her own in her cot and plays independently so I don't believe that tending to your baby's needs immediately 'spoils them or makes them clingy. Plus I known if I cry it makes me feel like crap both mentally and physically, wouldn't want my child to go to sleep feeling like that

If she's whingeing that's another story, I don't go to her when she starts whining unless it goes on for a while

Good question OP! I’ve never understood that statement either as it implies that the baby stops crying as soon as you pick him/her up. Which did not happen in my case.

I have done the Ferber method with two of my dc ( I have 4). It has worked great. You have to really follow it exactly and be very very patient. Basically it’s for parents who have tried everything else. But it’s in no way damaged my dc. They have learned to soothe them self to sleep and we have a much happier baby at the end. Took about 2-3 days max. My sis in law on the other hand picks up her ds at a whinge.

The sentence means they have never left the baby to cry.

So, there may have been times when mum/whoever couldn’t work out what was wrong instantly, and had to try several things before the crying stopped. But the baby was never left on its own, just crying with no care given.

Depends how much they cry I suppose. DS1 never cried, DS2 has been a terrible terrible sleeper until recently, but he never cried as such either, he just wouldn't sleep and thrashed about shouting and chatting (so you couldn't ignore him). I have never 'left him to cry' because he wasn't crying, but I have left him awake and a bit cross! I can imagine if he was screaming it would be awful and I'm not sure I could leave him, but I've never had to do it so I don't judge anyone who does.

Good point about other children. I respond much quicker to DS2 if he's noisy in the night because if I don't then he would wake DS1.

I'm on #3 and none have been left to cry through choice. A minute or two here or there while I get to them maybe.

I do think it is different if you are there with your hand on them as you describe, though I'm not sure I would do it for half an hour type thing.

Crying in arms is a different kettle of fish to crying on their own.

Whinging before sleep I ignore as with time I've figured out if I disturb him he will actually start crying properly (ds is 18mo)
Any distressed crying is responded to as soon as possible.

Recently it can take a while to calm him in the middle of the night, I think he's started having night terrors or going through a regression possibly.
I tried leaving him to cry once and i lasted 2 minutes, I find it too stressful and figure he must need something even if that is just comfort.

I also would like to know this and what constitutes crying to most people.
For example i will leave DD to whinge for 30 mins (going in about every 5 mins and giving her her dummy and lying her back down but dont pick her up) but if she cries a really distressed cry not just a whinge i never leave her.

We (DH) did cry it out at 12 months and a day. It took 2 nights. Go back in after 1 minute, 2 minutes, 4 minutes, 8 minutes, 16 ... A 5 second reassurance and then leave again. Parents are too precious nowadays.

DS was always happy to see us in the morning and behaviour didn't change. By the third night he was happy to go to bed and fell asleep silently. DD was similar although a little older.

People who 'never let their child cry' need to reassess.

Should add, ds is happy to go to sleep by himself most nights and has been since he was very small so any proper crying to me means something is wrong.

I leave my baby to whinge but pick them up if they start crying

My older kids are 7 and nearly 6 and are brilliant at going to bed etc so never being sleep trained/left to cry worked ok for us.

OP I did similar to you. I didn’t leave her to cry as a newborn and by the time she was around 4/5 months old she was sleeping from around 8-8. But she only slept so well because I’d leave her to whinge. I’m not talking about screaming, upset crying where something is obviously wrong, I’m talking about the tired little whinge they do for 10-15 minutes before they fall asleep. By the time her coordination was good enough for her to suck her thumb she was sleeping fantastically.

I will also say that swaddling really helped in the early days too.

I had no option but to let one or other cry sometimes as I had twins.

What chocolate said. Dc2 sometimes is crying in his bouncer for a minute or two whilst I'm busy with dc1, but I will always aim to get to him as soon as possible and I'm constantly talking to him, trying to reassure him.

Both my DC go down to sleep with no fuss at all, so I've not had to tackle "baby screaming at 2am" scenarios. Not sure what I'd do tbh.

Parents are too precious nowadays.
You are completely contradicting yourself in your post. I know some parents who used the controlled crying techniques from 3-4 months (when mum went back to work basically, not everybody lives in the UK) who might think you are the one too precious waiting until yours was 12 months old.

I don't leave my kids to cry, what do I need to reassess exactly?

Those that "don't leave their baby to cry" does this including whinging/moaning?

Or is it exclusively wailing?

I left mine to cry a bit sometimes. Not proper screaming, and not if he needed something, but he would fight sleep, and it didn't help to pick him up. He slept through from 8 weeks, and is a happy, confident child, so it doesn't seem to have damaged him. I think there is a happy medium somewhere between running yourself ragged preventing every squeak, and leaving them to scream the place down. It just takes common sense.

I've often wondered a similar thing...when my dad was born in the 60s he had a hernia and my nonna got told to never let him cry and it might pop back in by itself (she managed it, and it did pop back in but I always think my poor nonna as she also had a 2 and a 4yr old at home)

I've never done CC but DS used to absolutely wail sometimes as I rocked him to sleep for a nap. But I always felt more comfortable cuddling/rocking while he cried rather than leaving him crying in the cot.

No, never did with either of them. Leaving a baby to cry can cause attachment issues, they simply learn nobody will come when they need them.

Babies cry because they need something, not because they are naughty and just need to be ignored.

Never left them to cry unless their in a car seat and I am driving. Otherwise picked up at crying/moaning.