Parental Responsibility

[MrsChumleyWarner]

Married but split up a year ago due to DV.

Child visits sorted through court. One day each week then every second weekend.

He is being a bit of an arse in my opinion...

Won’t buy a present or take the kids to parties if they fall on his weekend - he says it’s not his responsibility.

If kids are unwell he won’t take them to the walk in centre - he will start his visit after they have seen the nurse. sore throat not poos & spews.

The kids have never stayed over - their choice. Till recently he was ok with this but now they have to tell him by 6pm if they want to go home. If they do go home he won’t pick them up to see them the next day as they ‘have made their choices’. He now tries to bribe them to stay over with toys they want (he doesn’t have the toys but says he will get them if they stay over - so will have them next visit).

He won’t do homework with them as they don’t have time!

Probably other incidents but I have to just accept this as if I speak to him he just says ‘tough shit’.

Any advice please.

Sorry... I forgot...

Due to work commitments he has never had the kids for the weekly visit, just every second weekend which is as above.

And he won’t take them to weekly swimming lessons (kids have had swimming lessons for years).

My ExH was the same. The kids were involved with several after school clubs and were regularly invited to parties. They missed a few events as he couldn't be bothered or didn't see why he should take them. I gave the kids choices.....club/party or dad. Often the club/party won. I didn't have a court order though which made it easier.

There's probably nothing you can do about it. You can't force him to take them.

I don't think there is anything you can do.

What a twat but the children will get sick of him behaving like this and them missing out so you just have to bide your time.

I think that’s why the don’t want to stay with him.

He wants to take them on holiday for two weeks during the summer. Kids are excited but I am not sure they will go. I will worry about that nearer the time.

Why do they turn into utter shites?

The court states the kids needs should come first but he never puts the kids first just his wants/needs

He didn't become a site, he was always one, you split because of DV.

My DO is going through similar. My advice is to accept that you are doing the real Parenting alone.

Give the children choice about goibg/staying, but step in if any harm I'd being done and let it go back to Court.

I think it's a factor of a few things with these Men. Wanting to be in total control, not wanting to look after the children, wanting to still be able to get-to their ex and being utterly selfish.

I think you are right he is still trying to control everything and the poor kids are getting the shitty end of the stick. He won’t speak to me at all (which I can live with) but he passes messages through the kids which I really don’t think is fair. I have tried my best with him and given in too many times. I think it’s time for court agreed contact only and no extra time which makes me out to be the baddy.

I didn't have a court order, but same as WatchingInTheWings - I used to give my kids the choice when events clashed with dad's weekend. The hobby / party was their choice every time. If he had taken responsibility and offered to take the kids to these events on his weekends it would have been far less of a problem, but I always felt like he saw my daughters' hobbies as a disruption to his weekends.
He sees his kids on average once a month now, which is his choice for not being actively more involved in what goes on in their lives.

How old were/are your kids dancinfeet?

Oh don't worry the courts won't put the kids needs first either!

Just stick it out and do what the kids want - see what the twat does then.

dinners that’s my experience too. They sent us on this parenting course about how to put the kids needs first. Then when we got to court it was all about what he wanted. I gave him everything he wanted on his list and it still wasn’t enough. He still wanted to control everything.

It is a lot of BS at times.

My kids are old enough to make up their own minds he even tried to bribe them and they still wanted to come home.

I think you just have to do what works for them and TBH my Ex is threatening court again but i won't even bother to go.

It makes me laugh when posters say things like "the court will take a very dim view etc" They really have no idea how little the court cares.

Plus one of the lawyers on here said the court are dealing with serious cases most of the time, druggie parents, violence and life and death stuff they dont care about us with our every other christmas problems.

Thanks donners I worry about them going on holiday with him. They won’t want to go but I am sure they will enjoy it when they get there.

It’s all a bit crap. Who else would have to bribe their kids to spend time with them then blackmail them when the bribery doesn’t work.