To ask how long is appropriate to ground her

[underapolestar]

Just looking for opinions.

DD15 (16 next month) is causing us a lot of worry atm. Not working at school and doing really badly, only concerned with seeing her friends. We monitor her school work carefully, she has to study for an hour every day, we help her with school work when needed. But still arriving late at classes and not working in class.

Things have got a bit better recently. Some hope her attitude was improving. She went out last night and was supposed to be staying at a friend’s, I had confirmed this with friends mum. She then turned up at home at 1030 saying she just wanted to come home. Stinking of booze and speech slurred, her hair was full of leaves and twigs. Couldn’t get any sense out of her so put her to bed and periodically checked in her through the night.

Woken by her loudly talking to friend on phone at 5am. Laughing about how they’d both ‘pulled’ - seems she was lying snogging somebody in a bush hence twigs.

Obviously not acceptable and I need to ground her. I’m thinking one month - is this harsh?

Please no telling me I’m a shit mum for whatever reason, I’m trying my best with her.

its So hard when they’re 16 isn’t it? Nearly adults but not adults.

I would be severely restricting access to the internet and her phone for a start. And yes, she would be grounded and I’d make her study in the kitchen.

Of course you're not a shit mum. Teenagers are hard!

I'm not sure why you'd ground her for snogging, though? The drinking and schoolwork sound like more of a problem, though she wouldn't be the first teenager to give trouble there...

Ps. A lot of this is just being 16. I did it, my DD did it (I had her very young - very very young - so I had shit teenaged single mother bad example guilt to add to the mix)

Does grounding actually work?

Pick your battles. Why punish her for coming home at a reasonable hour? Teenagers will drink ... I certainly did at her age and learned my own boundaries by feeling awful and throwing up on more than one occasion.

Not so bothered about the snogging - I was certainly doing it at that age! More concerned about the drinking and that she walked home alone and in a vulnerable state, I feel I need to give her the message that this isn’t OK. Restricting her going out seems like the way to do this ..... or maybe less harsh is saying she has to be home by eight thirty for a month and no sleep overs? I don’t know.

I do know this is all normal teenage stuff as I was doing the same at her age but I worry she’ll escalate if I don’t set some boundaries.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood you.

She did have the sense to come home, though, when she felt vulnerable, which was a sensible decision.

I would just say no sleepovers until she can learn to be more sensible. At 15 I would be open with my mum about what I was doing re clubbing, drinking and so on and between us we'd figure out how I would get home etc. Is there anyway you can discuss this with her and give her more freedom when she earns it.

I would take a more positive approach.

I don't punish. I don't believe it works, just encourages children to feel resentful and work out ways of being sneaky.

I would work on ways of nurturing your relationship with her and helping her with self esteem.
Whether she studies or not is really her own business. If she is not working in class or late for class then she will bear the consequences.
I would not interfere.

I wouldn't punish my teens for this. I get annoyed if they are not where they say they are or come home later than agreed.
I would have a talk about keeping safe and knowing who you are with, being drunk meaning you don't make sensible decisions etc.